Shit, Actually: The Definitive, 100% Objective Guide to Modern Cinema
Rate it:
Open Preview
82%
Flag icon
Since James is a “tracker” and he smelled Bella, now he will not chill until he gets Daddy’s num nums!!!
83%
Flag icon
So instead of setting some boundaries in their wildly codependent relationship, Edward takes her to the prom:
83%
Flag icon
Time to call Keanu Reeves and Jeff Daniels: ELEVATOR COPS!
83%
Flag icon
It was around the Speed era, I think, when people used to constantly make fun of Keanu Reeves for being a “bad actor.” Are you kidding me with that? I love Keanu Reeves! I love him. He is a really good actor, you fucks. Did you ever think that maybe you’re a bad actor??
84%
Flag icon
Keanu can’t help being a freaking lamb to his core!!!!!
84%
Flag icon
if you put good out into the world, good is what you get back. Keanu can have whatever he wants.
84%
Flag icon
Does anyone else feel like everything was 1970 until 2008 and then it abruptly switched to 2015 until 2017 when it became 2020 and has been ever since?
85%
Flag icon
You’re an already-comfortable yet inexplicably enraged middle-aged white guy in 1994 with a government pension who’s prepared to kill a bunch of working-class people on public transit so you can squeeze millions of dollars of fun-money out of the US taxpayer coffers because you want it? LOL. Is Speed an allegory for the twenty-first-century GOP????? I hope so because at the end Dennis Hopper is decapitated to death by a subway lamp! (My hope is allegorical, of course!!!)
85%
Flag icon
I feel like the one thing thrillers never take into account is that in real life all people are very, very lazy and no one would ever do this.
85%
Flag icon
Sandra Bullock is an unmatched charm powerhouse, and I feel like nobody acknowledges that anymore because she made too many comedies for women, and men can’t stand that.
86%
Flag icon
(Can you imagine being this pissed about getting a comfortable retirement, a lifetime of unconditional hero worship, and a present??)
87%
Flag icon
Wow, this is a beautiful movie about teamwork in adversity!
87%
Flag icon
then truly the bus is an allegory for human tenderness and teamwork during COVID-19! I feel strengthened by this.
88%
Flag icon
When Andy shows up, prison’s like, “Hey, welcome to prison. We hired Clancy Brown to be mean to you.” Not a terrible crime reduction tactic, TBH!
89%
Flag icon
Hey, prison, what the fuck is your wall made of? Ehhhhh, cookie dough. Pretty sure your main job is walls. You did it bad.
91%
Flag icon
American Pie absolutely captivated a generation because my generation is tacky as hell.
91%
Flag icon
This is why we have Jenny McCarthy, I’m pretty sure, and, by extension, the great whooping cough revival of 2014. Thanks a lot, jocks!
91%
Flag icon
them. I was a Can’t Hardly Wait girl myself, and that shit is absolutely radioactive with incel energy. This tension is the stuff of life.
92%
Flag icon
Can you put a movie in jail?
93%
Flag icon
Not to get all “postmodern feminist thought” major on you, but the idea that straight white men “deserve” some degree of unfettered access to other people’s bodies and if they don’t get it, they are being robbed of something that intrinsically belongs to them is white supremacist patriarchal capitalist imperialism, dog! People have inherent value regardless of their usefulness to you, sorry! Being able to squeeze as much pleasure or profit as you want out of somebody else’s life or body or labor (or out of any weaker party, any nation, any system, any natural resource), regardless of their ...more
94%
Flag icon
TAKE THE PIE UP TO YOUR ROOM, JASON! This is literally so disrespectful. Do you know how much work it is to make an apple pie from scratch????
94%
Flag icon
But, I’m sorry, as a married couple, your first allegiance is to each other. If my husband came home and our son was fucking a pie that I made and he didn’t IMMEDIATELY TELL ME so we could laugh and vomit and call 911 together, divoooooorce!
94%
Flag icon
This is one of the most fucked-up things to happen in any movie. It is so so so so so so so so so so so fucked up. Porky’s is bad, but at least peeping through a hole is purely analog sexual exploitation. Jason Motherfucking Biggs nonconsensually livestreams Nadia’s naked body to everyone he knows,
94%
Flag icon
THE NAME FOR THIS IS CRIME.
94%
Flag icon
It’s almost as though this character is not remotely a person!
95%
Flag icon
THEN NADIA GETS SENT BACK TO THE CZECH REPUBLIC BECAUSE HER HOST FAMILY WATCHED HER NONCONSENSUAL WEBCAM PORNO AND WOMEN MUST ALWAYS BE PUNISHED FOR THEIR OWN EXPLOITATION.
1 2 3 5 Next »