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Doc Brown is like, “WHO IS THIS TERRIBLE PERFUMED YAPPER I THOUGHT THIS WAS A BOY MOVIE,” and immediately blasts her in the face with a shut-up ray. “She was asking too many questions,” he tells Marty. “No one should know too much about their future.”
I have the rain memorized in the future for reasons unexplained.”
The future is sort of like the present but more bitchin’. Like, they still mail things by having a literal guy pick them up and carry them from one place to another (LOL), but the mailbox has a COMPUTER ATTACHED, so, impressive.
TIME TRAVEL DOESN’T MAKE SENSE, AND I THINK WE SHOULD MAKE IT ILLEGAL.
If time travel ever becomes a reality, I don’t think its primary utility should be for middle-class white families to erase the minor consequences of their own incompetence.
because the internal logic of this movie is nonexistent.
Here commences a scene that I found so traumatizing as a child that I believe it rerouted the development of my entire worldview.
leverage. But what seven-year-old Lindy thought Biff said was, “I’ll cut off your TITS.” BECAUSE THEY WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT HER TITS IN THE PREVIOUS SENTENCE, YOU KNOW??? CAN I EVEN BE BLAMED?
Third of all, Maverick is such a desperate, narcissistic, posturing, alienating, twerpy little prince that I find myself disorientingly at odds with a former self who long ago considered Tom Cruise to be attractive.
Fourth of all, Maverick’s hair is bad! It needs to be EITHER SHORTER OR LONGER.
the unapologetic homoeroticism is, frankly, woke as hell (?).
Dude, that jet is really expensive. How about you be a maverick in your own plane that you buy with your own allowance?
In the first of about infinity times that Maverick breaks the rules and is rewarded for it, he and his friend Goose get picked to go to TOPGUN,
I want to hate it, but “Yeah, so’s my johnson” is a real workhorse of a phrase. It goes with anything,
Truly praise be 2 the cinema for giving me this lifetime of extremely lifelike and believable female human characters!
Maverick, did you sexually harass the civilian contractor AGAIN!?!? This happens every time we go to a new fighter boy pew pew school!
Exceptionalism is a grift!
MAVERICK. IT IS BAD TO BE DANGEROUS. YOU ARE FLYING A MULTIMILLION-DOLLAR WARPLANE PRESUMABLY CHUNKY-STUFFED WITH WEAPONS THAT COULD KILL LOTS OF PEOPLE AND POTENTIALLY CAUSE A GLOBAL WAR IF USED IMPROPERLY. HOW IS ICEMAN THE VILLAIN OF THIS MOVIE??????? BECAUSE HE LIKES SAFETY??????????????????????? THIS IS HOW AMERICA BECAME A HOTSPOT OF A GLOBAL PANDEMIC.
businesses will ultimately fail because you cannot sustain an economy on a handful of slobbering fascists who feel the need, the need for a Jamba Juice.
. It is sooooo ballsy to just assume people will watch your movie for three hours and fourteen minutes! Especially when everyone already knows exactly what happens in the end (spoiler: the boat is Keyser Söze).
An old lady recognizes her boob-doodle on the news and goes to visit Bill Paxton on James Cameron’s rock-and-roll treasure boat,
Leonardo DiCaprio rescues her from suicide, and she repays him by letting her entire family treat him like human feces for the last few days of his life. Then they fall in love.
Leonardo shows up at fancy dinner even though he is a stinky poor
“Aaaaaaaay! It’s-a me, Fabrizio!” Fabrizio treats everybody to all-you-can-eat breadsticks and then invents the Mafia. Can someone tell me why this movie wasn’t entirely about Fabrizio?
Then Theoden, King of Rohan, drives the boat into this big iceberg and the ocean starts coming inside the boat, where the people go.
Santa Clause (may its celluloid never decay). It’s not the most important Christmas movie, nor the best Christmas movie, nor really a beloved Christmas movie, but it is technically a movie. And it’s the only movie that teaches us one of the lesser-known meanings of Christmas: that putting on a dead man’s pants constitutes a binding legal agreement to assume all his debts and obligations.
He’s late for his divorced dad weekend custody drop-off snide remark summit,
This is a cinematic technique known as “not fucking bothering.”
Instead, they go to Denny’s, which apparently has two sections: the Asian people section and the sad garbage dads who don’t know how to cook turkeys section. It is not hot.
every Christmas morning parents would be like HOLY FUCK HOW DID ALL THESE PRESENTS GET INSIDE MY MOTHERFUCKING HOUSE OH MY GOD CALL 911 SHARON OH GOD KIDS RUN ACROSS THE STREET TO THE FERGUSONS’ RIGHT NOW THEY COULD STILL BE IN THE HOUSE. In other words, if there were a Santa Claus, we would know about it because there would be a Santa Claus.
if this ever happened even once in history, WE WOULD KNOW ABOUT IT because there would be a police report and many screams.
I’m sorry, but UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD TIM ALLEN BE REQUIRED TO BE SANTA CLAUS. You don’t fucking own Tim Allen, David Krumholz!
The Santa Clause, apparently some sort of perverse yuletide virus, has entered its Jiminy Glick phase.
(WEARING RED AND BEING FAT IS NOT A SAFETY ISSUE),
The Rock believes in itself, it commits, it is happy to be fun.
In my memory, this entire movie takes place on Alcatraz.
This is a soft, healthy masculinity of which I approve! Men deserve perceptive, caring friendships with other men!
He didn’t come here to kill SEALs! He came here to give Marines $1 million! This sucks!
not the fun kind of bombs (shits).
They’re like, “No, if I can’t get a million dollars, I at least want to kill all of San Francisco!” WHY, THOUGH? What’s the benefit? The whole point is that you are mercenaries driven by self-interest above all!
It’s tempting to say that every frame of Bad Boys II looks like a TV commercial, but truly every frame looks like a print advertisement, like those Candies ads where Jenny McCarthy’s taking a shit, shallow and glossy and tinged acid green.
Smith! Lawrence! Brutally roasting each other! Make it four hours long! That’s your blockbuster! NO NEED TO GILD THE LILY, BAY.
as far as I can tell, the plot of Bad Boys II is…MIAMI. ?
One cool thing about this movie is it’s got all the kinds of criminals. It’s got the Russian criminals! The KKK criminals! The Haitian criminals! A Cuban guy, I think! That’s all the kinds!
call me an SJW, but I think it kind of matters how many Haitians a cop shoots in the eyeball in one day?)
They sneak inside the Cuban crime mortuary, and Martin Lawrence accidentally eats two ecstasy pills out of a corpse’s rotten body cavity.
and the entire Miami police force leaves the country to invade a sovereign nation to save Martin Lawrence’s sister—who, by the way, works for the DEA! What are they doing to help? Is there truly no protocol for when a federal law enforcement agent gets kidnapped by a drug cartel? That’s never happened before?
PLOT HOLE: Sometimes when Martin Lawrence and Will Smith capture a criminal, they triumphantly sing, “Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do,” the theme from COPS, because they have defeated the “bad boys” (i.e., criminals). But then OTHER TIMES, they high-five and say, “Bad boys for life,” and THEY are the bad boys! So which is it!?!!?!??!? Get it together, movie!
then they’re like, “OM GROM GROMPH. WASN’T EVEN HUNGRY—JUST ATE HIM TO FUCK WITH YOU GUYS #YOLO.
DR. GRANT HATES KIDS. They’re like computers but covered in food and hair!
