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(for best results, as you watch the sex scene, remember that James Garner is describing it all to an old lady with dementia).
every time the skeptical doctor comes in, she goes back to being senile again because she’s the Michigan J. Frog
As it is for, I assume, plenty of other adults with emotional problems, Harry Potter is a reliable security blanket for me—
However, the best thing about Harry Potter, the thing that keeps me hooked year after year, is that the internal logic barely hangs together. None of it makes any sense! The best thing about Harry Potter is that I hate it!!!
If you could run a light bulb on Harry Potter plot holes, we could solve the climate crisis because Harry Potter plot holes are AN INEXHAUSTIBLE RESOURCE.
Ma’am, you are engaged in guerilla warfare against a shadow army of fascists that can do magic. Turn into a cat one time?
The pointy hats are the most implausible thing in the whole series, and that includes someone whose last name is Lupin coincidentally getting bit by a werewolf.
Let the teachers live in Hogsmeade, at least! That way the students wouldn’t constantly have to see McGonagall in her tartan dressing gown, and the teachers could achieve some work-life balance. Can someone please start unionizing at Hogwarts?
AAAAAAAAALSOOOOOOOO WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO ALL FOUR OF HARRY’S GRANDPARENTS? DID YOU KNOW THAT IF YOU DO THE MATH, LILY AND JAMES POTTER WERE ONLY TWENTY-ONE WHEN THEY DIED???? ALL FOUR OF THEIR PARENTS WERE ALREADY DEAD!?!?!? DO YOU KNOW ANYONE LIKE THAT IN REAL LIFE WHO DIDN’T LIVE THROUGH A WAR OR PLAGUE? JUSTICE FOR NANA AND GRAMPO EVANS AND MUNGA AND POP POP POTTER2
I expected better logic out of Aunt Petunia, being the only non-fat in the family.
This chill is psychopathic. Harry and the snake bond over their shared traumas.
Now it’s Harry’s birthday, and for the first time in his life, he gets a letter in the mail. Mesmerized, this dumbass brings the letter into the dining room like he’s never met his own family before.
As a fat woman, this moment of cultural representation moved me deeply. My uncle got straight up killed by a dog at his own wedding and I was still like, “So, uh, when we gonna slice into this baby?? Don’t keep Mama waiting!!!!!!”
He is taking all of this in stride to a degree that, again, is disturbing.
Do wizards have bills? If they don’t, then WHAT DOES IT MEAN THAT THE WEASLEYS ARE POOR?
Because wizards literally treat Muggles like dumb trash, but there’s no way they don’t benefit constantly from Muggle invention. Not to be a capitalist, but don’t tell me wizards had any incentive to invent trains when they can already teleport.
Is there just ONE SIMULACRUM DUMBLEDORE FOR ALL PAINTINGS AND CARDS? The odds of ever catching him on your chocolate frog card would be basically zero, but this is the least fucked-up thing about the internal logic of the sentient portraits in Harry Potter, so I will back down.
BTW, Hermione should 100 percent be the protagonist of this whole shit and I cannot wait for this series to root deep enough into the public memory to produce a bona fide literary fiction retelling from Hermione’s POV and I’d like to put pre-dibs on the TV adaptation option for that property, please! Thx! I’m avail!
Does it ever get to fuck a woman hat? Freedom for Sorting Hat.
disband Slytherin! Why keep it? Do we need it? Why have one house that’s evil? Especially when your whole society is so scared of evil wizards they can’t even say one guy’s name out loud?
don’t send fully one-quarter of your children to Evil School, and maybe end up with 100 percent fewer evil wizards.
know that “Dumbledore trusts him,” and I get the whole Harry’s parents’ backstory, but the way that Snape treats Harry throughout this series is absolutely off the rails and would be illegal in Muggle society (but yeah, wizards are “better”!).
Snape, an adult male authority figure, has such poor coping skills he can’t stop himself from vindictively projecting his resentments onto an innocent child!
The acting in this movie so vastly outstrips the script and direction it is frankly problematic and I’m telling cancel culture.
Wow, you’ll KILL HIM???? For Neville’s Remembrall? What a psycho! #Maybe! #Snape! #Was! #Right!
They go to Charms class and we meet Professor Flitwick, the only professor who matters, who should be making a billion galleons a year but instead is only ever referred to as “tiny Professor Flitwick.” Charms is basically ALL SPELLS. Name one useful thing they learn in Transfiguration! Oh, finally, a solution to my teacup surplus / mouse shortage!
Why does a troll wear a loincloth? It can’t talk, but it feels shame about its genitals?
(This is why Harry never goes to an authority figure about any of his many outrageous and deadly problems. What does authority even mean in such a context?)
In the middle of the match, Harry’s broom—a.k.a. a stick that a child is riding in the sky—goes rogue and tries to throw him off.
This is great news for Harry, Ron, and Hermione, who are always looking for some fucking beeswax that’s none of theirs!
What the fuck is Christmas! If you’re a wizard! Wizards! Are! Christian! I! Guess!
There’s no internet, so these kids can’t google Nicolas Flamel, and there’s apparently not even a library catalog? You just have to pull books off the shelves at random? And you don’t even have a fucking flashlight? You have to bring fire into the library?
If I looked into that mirror, I would see myself blissfully smiling in a universe where I’d never heard writing as bad as “Mirror of Erised”!!! (See also: “Death Eaters.” PLEASE, is this a scary story I wrote when I was nine?) In that universe I also have amazing jugs.
Hagrid takes them into the Dark Forest in the middle of the night to investigate what kind of eldritch horror is killing unicorns and drinking their blood. HAGRID, ARE YOU SURE THE CHILDREN SHOULD BE ON THIS TRIP?
Neville stands up to them because they are breathtakingly selfish and he’s sick of getting in trouble for it, and Hermione petrifies him! Petrificus totalus!
Quirrell’s got male pattern VOLDNESS.
Dumbledore awards each of them a ton of points for being blisteringly stupid and reckless. No one is punished for the torture of Neville Longbottom. They all live to see another six years of being absolutely maddening impulsive narcissists! Cheers!
BOO, SEAN ARCHER, BOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
then I watch a Nicolas Cage movie again and it feels like coming home—to a house where your dad is cocaine and your mom licks your face if you’ve been good AND if you’ve been bad. I’m happy there!
in the ’90s we were really worried that bad guys were going to use computers to do scary stuff to us like send sarcastic e-cards about bombs. We didn’t realize they’d just trick us into using our own computers to voluntarily destroy ourselves!
Castor Troy is there, asleep in a hospital bed, and apparently Sean thought he had died? He screams, “Oh, god, you’re keeping him alive!” And instead of saying, “Yes, Sean, even incarcerated criminals have a right to lifesaving medical intervention,” they’re like, “Relax, Archer, he’s a turnip.”
Sean Archer has to take his face…off. It’s the only way. It’s literally the only way. No one in the entire FBI can possibly think of any other way. There’s obviously no other way! And Sean is definitely the only one who can do it. They can take someone’s face…off, but it would be absolutely impossible for anyone else in the FBI to memorize some stuff about Castor Troy’s life! Come on, Sean!
MA’AM, THERE ARE OTHER SEANS WITH BAD PERSONALITIES OUT THERE. PLEASE UNCHAIN YOURSELF FROM THIS FUNGUS.
There is no other movie where they do less to explain the science.
Are you actually worried that Pollux is going to see right through this insane fucking plan?
Erehwon is nowhere backward, so kindly reanimate my corpse from where it lies in front of the Mirror of Erised and kill me again.
Castor’s like, “I have got to go, I’ve got a government job to abuse and a lonely wife to fuck,” and, I’m sorry—did they change your dick too? Because I am over 70 percent sure that she will notice!
You absolutely need to take a couple of hours to find that bod and make sure he’s actually dead!
The most unrealistic part of this whole movie is that Sean’s wife does not beat him to death. Face/Off is just Big Boy Freaky Friday.
Maybe if Elizabeth Shue is in your movie, don’t name her character “Jennifer”? I already think that eleven out of ten blondes from the ’80s are Jennifer Jason Leigh, and this is not helping. I don’t come down to where you work and name David Niven’s character “White Flavor Flav”—GOOGLE DAVID NIVEN AND TELL ME I’M WRONG.)
