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Public Speaking I saw a study that said, the number one fear of the average person is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two! How in the world is that? That means to most people, if you have to go to a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.
Kids don’t want other kids to wait. They want them to “wait up.” Because when you’re little, your life is up, the future is up, everything you want is up. “Wait up. Hold up. Shut up. Mom, I’ll clean up. Just let me stay UP.” For parents everything is down. “Calm down. Slow down. Come down here. Sit down. Put that down. You are GROUNDED.”
Braces Glasses I had glasses at 10, braces at 12. When you’re thinking about talking to a girl for the very first time in your life, you want as much corrective apparatus on your head as you can possibly get. I said to my parents, “Let’s not stop now, how about a hearing aid, orthopedic shoes? I want to look like a human science project. Sparks flying out from behind my head. This is my image. Let’s go with it.”
Do the cows tip them off when they’re milking them…? (slow turn of the head backwards) “… July… 3rd…”
Mr. Coffee I went to buy a coffee machine the other day. I like coffee. But these coffee machines never let you forget how much you need coffee. I saw one machine, BREWMASTER. You wake up in the morning, “Yes… BREWMASTER… I—will—make—a—full—pot—today.” MR. COFFEE. I’m not even on a first-name basis with this one. “Think I’ll have a cup of coffee.” “Hey, that’s ‘MR.’ Coffee to you, pal.”
Watching postal employees work is like watching a lava lamp, isn’t it? They’re just floating and oozing around back there. I think there’s a big lightbulb in the back. That heats them up so they kind of float up to the front. Sell a few books of stamps, then they cool and slowly drift into the back again. That’s how the postal system works.
What kind of person is this? That sits around, “Let’s see, who should be the most powerful person in government? Commander in Chief of the Armed Forces? Leader of the Free World? You know, I’ve got to say… that sounds like me. It sounds like something I would be good at. I really strike myself as the best person there could possibly be for that kind of job.” No, you’re not. You’re sick and deranged. Who could be friends with this person?
The one movie ad I don’t get is, “If you see only one movie this year…” If you see only one movie this year, why go at all? You obviously don’t like going to the movies. And going once a year is ridiculous pressure to put on a movie. You’re sitting there, “All right, this is it for the next 51 weekends. Better be good.”
Armrest Battle Another reason I go to the movies is for the marathon 2-hour Battle of the Armrest with the complete stranger sitting next to me. You walk out, your friend asks, “Did you like the movie?” “Forget the movie. Did you see how I had the armrest for the whole last hour?! He went for popcorn, I moved right in. Forget the movie. This is real life.”
Old People Drive I just can’t drive around there. Old people drive slow, they sit low. That’s their motto. The state flag of Florida should be just a steering wheel with a hat and two knuckles on it. And the left turn signal on from when they left the house that morning. That’s a legal turn in Florida, by the way. It’s called an Eventual Left. You can signal this week, then turn any following year of your life. What is the age when old people decide that when they back out of a driveway, they’re not looking anymore? You know how they do that? They just go, (Looking forward. Puts the car in
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Rooting for Laundry Love my team. Even though we know, of course, they’re not really teams. We block that out. We have to. Players go to different teams. Teams move from city to city. The uniform is the only constant. Why am I yelling, “Go, New York, go!” at a guy from East Illinois that’ll be playing in Phoenix next season? That’s sports. The uniform is the only constant. We just want our clothes to beat the clothes from the other city. We’re rooting for laundry. That’s really all sports is. If a player leaves your team, then comes back and plays against your team? The hostility. “Booo…
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So because of the phone machine, what you can have is two people that don’t really ever want to talk, and the phone machine is like this relationship respirator keeping these marginal, brain-dead relationships alive. Why do we do this? Because when we come home we want to see that little flashing red light. And go, “All right, messages.” People need that. It’s very important for human beings to feel they are popular and well-liked amongst a large group of people that they have no interest in.
To me, a kitchen is just a big room to hold a toaster. That’s the way I think of my apartment. Bedroom, Living Room, Toaster Room. Winter—I’ll turn that dial thing up. Make the toast darker. Summer—I turn it down. With the sun and the hot weather I like it a little more on the light side. That’s as into cuisine as I get.
When I finish with my cereal, I put the bowl away with the spoon in it. Why go to a separate drawer to get a spoon every morning? How often am I going to use that bowl and not need the spoon that goes with it? I’ll worry about that situation when I’m faced with it.
The washing machine is like a nightclub for clothes.
I wonder if the dry cleaners ever wear the clothes? Why not? Imagine bumping into your dry cleaner at a party and he’s wearing your sweater? (loud whisper) “Hey!! What the hell are you doing?! That better be ready by tomorrow.”
“Dry clean only” is definitely the only warning label that human beings actually respect. They’ll look at cigarettes, “This will give you cancer, kill you, your kids, your parents, everyone.” “No, screw it. I’ll do whatever the hell I want.” “Don’t drink this medicine and operate heavy machinery.” “Ahh, who cares? Glug, glug, glug… That’s for people that don’t know what the hell they’re doing. I’m a pro.” But if you have something that’s dry clean only, and somebody goes to put it in the washing machine, “Don’t put it in the washing machine! It’s dry clean only! Are you crazy? You out of your
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I got engaged about 10 or so years ago. Didn’t want to get married, that was the closest I got. I can tell you this, if you’re engaged and you don’t want to get married… It’s a little tense.
Commitment Why is commitment such a problem for a man? I think that for some reason when a man is driving down that freeway of love, the woman he’s involved with is like an exit. But he doesn’t want to get off there. He wants to keep driving. And the woman is like, “Look, gas, food, lodging. That’s our exit. That’s everything we need to be happy.… Get off here, now!” But the man focuses on the sign underneath that says, “Next exit twenty-seven miles.” And he goes, “I think I can make it.” Sometimes he can, sometimes he can’t. Sometimes the car ends up on the side of the road. Hood up and smoke
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There’s no easy way to break off any relationship. It’s like the mozzarella cheese on a good slice of pizza. It just gets thinner and longer but it doesn’t want to break.
Bachelor Party and Bridal Shower I have a friend who’s about to get married. They’re having the bachelor party and the bridal shower the same day. So, it’s conceivable that while the girl’s friends are giving her sexy lingerie, the guy could be at a strip club watching a table dancer in the exact same outfit. That’s a special moment.
To me, there’s no better gift than a paperweight to express to someone, “I refuse to put any thought into this at all.” And where are these people working that the papers are just blowing right off of their desks?
Have you ever been alone with a monkey? You sit there looking at each other eye to eye… There’s a feeling like, “Did we go to high school together or something? You look so familiar… Did you go out for gymnastics? I’d remember that. You would be outstanding at that.”
A check is a very emasculating experience. It’s like a note from your mother. That says, “I don’t have any money, but if you contact these people… I’m sure they’ll stick up for me. I really don’t understand how this works. You see, I gave my money to these people here… (points to check) And they gave me these… (looks sheepish) I put my name on it. And the amount of money that I wish I had. Is that worth anything at all?” You have to beg this guy to take the check.
Men must control and dominate physical things. Because we know that women are pretty much controlling everything else. Ever see how if one man is doing some kind of job with tools out in his driveway other men in the neighborhood are magnetically drawn to it? They look through the drapes, “I think Jim’s working on something over there… I better get over there.” Men hear the sound of the drill, it’s like a dog whistle. “Whhhrrr… (head cock–turn)” They just start wandering up like zombies. They don’t help the guy. They don’t want to do any work. We just want to be in the area where work is being
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You ever see a guy with a mattress on the roof of his car, driving down the highway? Without fail, he’s got his hand out the window, holding the mattress. This is classic, male, idiot superhero thinking. This moron believes that if the wind catches this huge rectangle at 70 mph, “I got it. I got it… I am using MY ARM.”
I know I will not understand women. I know I will never be able to understand how a woman can take boiling hot wax, pour it on her upper thighs, rip the hair out by the root. And still be afraid of a spider.
Which is, women have sex control, men have phone control. In the beginning of a relationship, women control all sexual decisions. Who, where, when, type, style, duration, and rate of progress. The basic conversation between every man and every woman on every date is the man saying, “I would like to have sex right now.” And the woman saying, “Well, we’re not.”
You can’t give men sex control. That wouldn’t be good. Women would never see the inside of a restaurant for the rest of their lives. We’d show up at your house with food. We’d drive by restaurants, you’d go, “What’s that?” “It’s a clubhouse you don’t need to know anything about it. We’re going home.” We’d trade in all the sports cars. Just drive those aluminum snack vans with the sides that swing open. Who needs a sports car if you’ve got sex control? You just need a quick bite to eat, later.
When we finished the series the celebration was much more like the over-drained marathoner than the sprinter. They do one weak little fist pump, not even above their head and then right into the aluminum blanket. The look on their face is, “Obviously, that was worth it. But also… a ridiculously long run.”
First Aid What do you think First Aid was like hundreds of years ago? They had no medicine, no drugs, no technology, no equipment. Basically, they were there first. That was it. That was the whole First Aid. They sat with you, that’s all they could do. “Can you help me in any way?” “No. But we were the first ones here. Did you see our truck? ‘First Aid,’ that’s our motto. We do nothing. But we show up before anybody.”
Look at the job that this man is hired to do. He’s getting five dollars an hour to protect millions of dollars of priceless art, with a light mocha brown uniform and a USA Today. That’s all he’s got. Crooks must look at this guy and go, “Alright, all we’ve got to do is get past the folding chair and the thermos of coffee and we can get a Rembrandt.”
Men’s Jobs Women have to like the job of the guy they’re with. They don’t like the job, they don’t like the guy. Men know this. That’s why we’ve invented the phony, bogus names for the jobs that we have.
But if a man is physically attracted to a woman it’s not really important to him what her job is. “Slaughterhouse, really? That sounds great. Must be interesting with all the blood. So you take a big meat cleaver and are just lopping their heads right off? Amazing. Anyway, why don’t you wash up and we’ll grab a couple of cheeseburgers and catch a movie?”
I have not done well as an investor in things. People always tell me, “You should have your money working for you.” I’ve decided, I think I’ll do the work, I’m going to let my money relax. Because who knows what your money has been through before it got to you? Maybe it’s been working. Maybe it’s tired. Maybe that’s why it left where it was. Maybe if I’m nice to it, it’ll stay with me.
The Casual Heil I was watching a World War Two Nazi movie. The Nazis in those movies seemed to have two different “Heil”s. They had the regular arm-extended “Heil” that they would do at parades and stuff. And then, around the offices, they had this casual “Heil” where they would just kind of show their palm. They come in the office, “Yeah, Heil, how are you? Is the kid back with the coffee yet? Are you finished with the copier? Yeah, world domination, Aryan race, whose donuts are those? Hey Heil, nice to see you. How’s the Holocaust going…? Mind if I take the last jelly?”
Maid The first time I could afford a maid I couldn’t handle the guilt. I followed her around the whole apartment. “I don’t know why I didn’t pick that stuff up. Obviously, I could have. I just didn’t.” I’d be a terrible maid. Because that’s the attitude I’d have. “Oh, I suppose you couldn’t do this. No, no, don’t get up. Let ME clean up YOUR filth. Save your energy. So you can turn this place back into a disgusting rathole after I leave. You make me sick.” That would be me as a maid.
I’ll tell you one thing the horses definitely do not know. They do not know that if you should accidentally trip and break your leg at any point during the race… We blow your brains out. I have a feeling they’re missing that little tidbit of information. I think if they knew that, you’d see some mighty careful stepping coming down that home stretch. “Take it easy… take it easy… watch your footing… You win, I’ll place… whatever. First or last, it’s the same bag of oats, boys… The important thing is your health.”
Nobody wants any amount less than “EXTRA-STRENGTH.” “EXTRA-STRENGTH” is actually the absolute minimum we will accept at this point. You can’t even get “STRENGTH.” “STRENGTH” is not available. They don’t even make “STRENGTH” anymore. Some people are not satisfied with “EXTRA.” They want “MAXIMUM.” “I want ‘MAXIMUM-STRENGTH.’ I am in a tremendous amount of pain. Give me… the MAXIMUM ALLOWABLE HUMAN DOSAGE. Figure out what will kill me and then back it off a little bit.”
Doctors always want your pants off. “Get your pants off and get in there and then I will tell you what I think.” “The doctor would like to see you with no pants. Just get them off.” It really gives him an advantage. In any difference of opinion, Pants always beats No Pants.
Chopsticks I’ll tell you what I like about Chinese people. They’re really hanging in there with the chopsticks. Obviously, they’ve seen the fork… But they’re, “Yes, very nice. But we’re staying with the sticks.” I don’t know how they missed it. Chinese farmers working in the field with a shovel all day. Shovel… spoon… come on. There it is. You’re not plowing 40 acres with a couple of pool cues.
Which is why when people get ready to get married they so often seem to choose basic transportation. It’s simple, it’s reliable, and it gets you there. That’s important on a long trip.
Men’s Attention Why are women always trying to draw men’s attention to every area of your body we’re already totally focused on? Short skirts, push-up bra. Do we really need the coaching? I find some of these sexy outfits women wear a little insulting. It’s like they feel we need a highlighter. Don’t tell me where to look. If we can’t handle the leering and gawking by now…
I don’t know why we even bother setting up all these construction sites. You know women walking by construction sites is what built this country. There’s no other way to get people to do these jobs. Women complain but this system is working. “If you guys want to stand on the street, and be obnoxious all day, you’re going to have to at least pretend to be building a building.”
