Is This Anything?

by Jerry Seinfeld

What if I’m not funny?” I remember thinking, “Well, but I wouldn’t have to be that funny anyway. I would just have to be funny enough to buy a loaf of Wonder bread and a jar of Skippy peanut butter a week.” I could easily survive on that.

I was more than happy to accept being a not-that-funny comedian over any other conceivable option. Without realizing it, of course, this attitude is the exact right way to start out in the world of comedy. Expect nothing. Accept anything.

I still don’t know exactly for sure where jokes come from. I think it’s from some emotional cocktail of boredom, aggression, intense visual acuity and a kind of Silly Putty of the mind that enables you to re-form what you see into what you want it to be.

The real problem of stand-up, of course, is that you must constantly justify why you are the only one talking while a room full of people sit quietly. And in the beginning, to just put yourself into what is—let’s face it—that fairly untenable position, you have to love it badly, madly, maybe even sadly.

Looking back, I like that I was successful. I’m happy I made money at it. But honestly, I swear I have really been in it for the laughs since day one, day two and every other day, including today.

A lot of people I’ve talked to seemed surprised that I’ve kept all these notes. I don’t understand why they think that. I don’t understand why I’ve kept anything else. What could possibly be of more value?

Stand-up comedy in the sixties made the same turn that music did with singer-songwriters becoming the way it was done. I’ve never done anything else. There is something exciting, I think, about being in the same room with the person who originally thought all the ideas you’re hearing.

Pajamas I don’t know why the suit projects this image of power. Why is it intimidating? “We’d better do what this guy says, his pants match his jacket.” Men love the suit so much, we’ve actually styled our pajamas to look like a tiny suit. Three buttons down the front. The little lapels. Breast pocket. What’s that for? You put a pencil in there. Roll over in the middle of the night. You kill yourself.

Ruin Appetite I really wanted adulthood at a certain point. I just couldn’t build one more balsa wood glider. I needed it to be over. I needed it to be: If I want a cookie, I have a cookie. I will have 3 cookies. 6 cookies. Or 8 cookies, if I want. Sometimes in fact, I will intentionally ruin my entire appetite. Because as adults we understand… Even if you ruin an appetite, there’s another appetite coming right behind it. There’s no danger of running out of appetites. I can ruin 100 of them. Still have thousands left. Why are we being so careful with each one? I got millions of appetites.

I think one killer thing for everybody in gym class was The Rope. What was that about? It didn’t fit in with the whole rest of the little fitness program, did it? Few jumping jacks, little volleyball, and then North Vietnam POW escape training. “Come on, get up that rope.” “Coach, do I need to practice this? I don’t think I’m ever going to date Rapunzel.”

Skydiving Helmet Skydiving is definitely the scariest thing I’ve done. My question, what exactly is the point of the helmet? Can you “kind of” make it? I think if you jump out of a plane, and that chute doesn’t open, the helmet is now wearing you for protection. Later on, the helmet’s talking with the other helmets going, “It’s a good thing he was there or I would’ve hit the ground directly. You never jump out of a plane unless you have got a human being strapped underneath you. That’s basic safety.”

Learned to scuba dive last year. Another great, fun sport where your main activity is to “not-die.”

I went and got a waterproof wallet. In case I run into a sea turtle that can break a fifty, I guess…

Sister Married I have an older sister who’s married. It was hard at first but I’ve adjusted to it now. When a brother or a sister tells you they’re getting married it’s a shock, because the way you know them, you can’t believe anyone would marry them. I met the guy, I said, “Let me get this straight. You intentionally want to spend the rest of your life with my sister? I have to tell you, I’ve done what you want to do. It’s a big mistake. Have you ever tried to borrow a record album from her? Ever shared the back seat on a long car trip? You’re going to need an imaginary line.

Coming Out to My Parents My parents never knew I was funny growing up. I don’t know why but I was very embarrassed to show them that side of myself. I’ll never forget how incredibly nervous I was bringing them to my show the first time. I had my little gay closet moment. “Mom, Dad, I don’t know how else to say this, but… I’m funny. I’m a funny person. I’ve always been funny. It’s who I am. I don’t want to be ashamed of it anymore. I want to lead a funny lifestyle. I want to have breakfast at 2 in the afternoon with other funny people.” And I was out.

To me, the ultimate would be to live the Parakeet Lifestyle. It’s the most efficient apartment possible. A well-ventilated room overlooking the paper.

Cold Cereal The most magic words to me as a kid were: FREE INSIDE. I guess they said that because it would have been a drag to see, TOY INSIDE. WE’LL BILL YOU LATER. Didn’t matter what the thing was as long as it was FREE INSIDE. Your mother has to pay $1.29, but to you it’s free. Because all you have to do is dump the cereal out on the counter and you get a little plastic monkey.

Grape-Nuts is a mysterious product. You open the box, pour it in the bowl, no grapes, no nuts. What’s the story?

Can you call things anything you want now? Can you call “milk,” “shoes”? You open the carton. Pour it on your feet. “Hey, these aren’t shoes…

Cookie Crisp Our parents had no clue there was no food in any of these products. Until the Cookie Crisp people came along and blew the lid off the whole racket. Just one little step too far… Cookie Crisp should have been called, “The Hell wth Everything.”

This is a cereal that… it’s not like cookies, it is cookies. This is your breakfast, a bowl of chocolate chip cookies. Ice cream for lunch, cake for dinner, bacon and cigarettes in between. This is the Cookie Crisp Total Health Plan.

I think it was after a bowl of Cookie Crisp that Nietzsche said, “If it doesn’t kill yo...

Smokers Win Arguments The ultimate conversation prop is the cigarette. You cannot win an argument with someone that has a cigarette in their hand. They’re always waving it around. “I’ve got fire right in front of my face. See that? Does that intimidate you in any way?” And then when they put it out, that just ends the argument. I can go, “I think this. I feel this. My opinion is this.” They go, “Really? That’s what you think? (exhale smoke) Pphhphphph… (twisting toe on the ground) No. It’s out. You’re wrong.”

Notary Public These notary public people seem to think they’re pretty something.

Vague Did you ever write a report or a paper in school, and you get it back and the teacher has written “Vague” across a whole page? It’s frustrating. Because “Vague” is kind of a vague thing to say… I would just write “Unclear,” send it back to the teacher. She’d return it to me, “Ambiguous.” We’re still corresponding to this day…

By the way, another interesting thing about circus elephants. And this is true. Before the circus starts, they stick a pole up the elephant’s ass… This is to make it go, so it doesn’t take a giant crap during the “performance.” Which is certainly the kind of positive image we want for our political party. I think it says, “We are ready to do whatever we have to do.”

The New York Times The first inside page of the New York Times is always a strange view of the world. They always have a full-page glamourous fashion ad. Right next to the third-world persecution story. “Wow, in South America political prisoners are being dragged through the streets by their feet, … and I see Saks is having a sale.” “Actually, that would be a nice outfit for a beating. Those would be great loafers for fleeing oppression. They make a statement and they’re comfortable to run in.”

Watching News Something happens when a man reaches a certain age that The News becomes the most important thing in his life. I remember when it happened to my father. All fathers think one day they’re going to get a call from the State Department. “Listen, we’ve completely lost track of the situation in the Middle East. You’ve been watching the news. What do you think we should do about it?”

And how about the professional wrestling referee? There’s a great job. You’re a referee in a sport with no rules of any kind. How do you screw that up? The referee is kind of like Larry of the Three Stooges. You don’t really need him, it just wouldn’t be the same without him. They must get these guys from the same place the Harlem Globetrotters get their refs. There must be this whole school where they teach you to just kind of run around and not notice anything. They sit you down. Show you the rubout scene from St. Valentine’s Day Massacre. If you don’t see anything illegal going on, you’re hired.

Professional football. To me the hardest part of being a professional football player is on the one hand you’re a millionaire. On the other, they blow a whistle and you have to run around after a football. To me, the whole idea of being a millionaire is, somebody throws a football at me. Maybe I catch it. Maybe I don’t. I would think you get someone to hand you the football at that point. “Here you go, sir, that’s another touchdown for you. Would you like a fresh squeezed orange juice before the next play?”

We all try and save time. All our little shortcuts. But no matter how much time you save, at the end of your life, there’s no extra time saved up. You’ll be going, “What do you mean I’m out of time? I had a no-iron shirt, Velcro sneakers, clip-on tie: Where is that time?” It’s not there. Because when you waste time in life, they subtract it. Like if you saw all the Rocky movies, they deduct that. So, you’ve got to be careful. You can take the Concorde to Europe, but if they show Porky’s on the plane, you’re right back where you started from.

Certainly those Oscar Mayer cold cuts labeled simply “Luncheon Meat” fall into this category. Here you have a product where it seems even the manufacturer is not quite sure what the hell it is. All they’re telling you is, “It’s some kind of meat and you should eat it… around noon.” That’s it. I think they figure, “You could never face it for breakfast. No one would have the balls to serve it for dinner. It’s Luncheon Meat.” “We saw an animal. We grabbed it. Never got a real good look at him…”

Plants I have such trouble with plants, they’re so hard to keep alive. Any little thing, you know you’re supposed to play them music. If I play one weak song. That’s it. Suicide. I come home, I find it hanging from a little macramé noose. The pot kicked out from underneath. Even left me a note, said, “I hate you and your albums.”

Dead Pillow The proof that we don’t understand death is we give dead people a pillow. Are they uncomfortable? If you can’t stretch out and get some solid rest at that point… I don’t think there are any bedding accessories that are going to make a difference. And why do we have the guy all dressed up in a suit? Is he sleeping, is he going to an important meeting? Is he going to nap in a meeting? We need to decide where we think these people are going.

Why do people who work in offices have pictures of their family on their desk facing them? Do they forget that they’re married? Do they say to themselves, “All right. Five o’clock. Time to hit the bars and pick up some hookers. Hold it a second, look at this picture. I’ve got a wife and three kids. Oh my god, I better get home.”

Sweepstakes Letter I did get some very exciting news recently. And I don’t know if I should really even be talking about it, because it’s really not a definite thing yet… … All right, well, I will tell you what I do know so far. According to the information that I have, in the envelope that I received, it seems… that I may have already won some very valuable prizes. Thank you, thank you very much. Now remember, they’re not saying anything definitely yet. To be honest with you, I didn’t even know I was in this thing. But apparently I am among the top people at this point.

Hallmark Greeting Cards People are so confused about relationships these days. You can tell just by the greeting cards. They have a whole section of greeting cards now with no writing inside. It’s like Hallmark is saying, “Hey, we don’t know what to tell her. You think of something, pal. For 65¢ I don’t want to get involved.”

What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The difference is, not too many job interviews is there a chance you’ll end up naked at the end of it. “Well, Jim, the boss really thinks you’re the man for the job. Why don’t you strip down so you can meet some of the people you’ll be working with…”

Let’s face it, the human body is like a condominium apartment. The thing that keeps you from really enjoying it is the maintenance. There’s a tremendous amount of daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly work that has to be done. From showering to open-heart surgery, we’re always doing something to ourselves. If your body was a used car, you wouldn’t buy it. You’d go, “Nah, I’ve heard about these human being bodies. This is one of those Earth models, right? Yeah, a cousin of mine had one. Too much work to keep them going. The new ones are nice looking, though.”

Deodorant Soap Deodorant soap has always been kind of a mystery to me. If you’re covering your entire body, hands and face with deodorant, don’t we have a larger problem? If you smell this bad, maybe just call in sick? “Listen, I can’t come in today. It’s happening again. I’ll be at the zoo if you need me. I think that’s where I’ll feel most comfortable.”

Your car breaks down. You get out of the car. Walk around the front… Open the hood… And then do the big “Look In.” “Well, there it is… That’s the car. Boy, I wish I knew what was going on in there.” We’re hoping that we will see something that’s so obvious. So simple. So easy to fix. Even you can do it. Like a giant On/Off switch turned “OFF.” “Okay… I think I can fix this.”

But I had long ago focused in on this being my only life interest anyway. I had other life experiences of course, but they always felt very light and thin compared to my life in comedy. It wasn’t for many, many years that I even began to consider that there might be other important things in the human experience besides doing stand-up and getting laughs. Might be.

They always have to close that first-class curtain, too. They always give you that little look. “Maybe if you had worked a little harder… I wouldn’t have to do this.” (swoosh shut)

Airport Cart People I believe the closest thing we have to royalty in America are the people that ride in those little carts through the airport. They come out of nowhere. “Beep, beep. Cart people, look out, cart people!” We all scurry out of the way like worthless peasants. “Ooh, it’s cart people. I hope we didn’t slow you down. Wave to the cart people, Timmy. They’re the best people in the world.” If you’re too fat, slow, and disoriented to get to your gate on time, you’re not ready for air travel.

Airport Tuna Sandwich Do the stores in the airport have any idea what the prices are every place else in the world? Or do they just feel they have their own little country out there, and they can charge anything they want? “You want a tuna sandwich? It’s 28 dollars. If you don’t like it, go back to your own country.” I think the whole airport/airline complex is a huge scam just to sell the tuna sandwiches. I think that profit is what’s supporting the entire air-travel industry. The planes could fly empty, they’d still make money. The terminals, the airplanes, the parking, the gift shops. It’s all just to distract you, so you don’t notice the beating you’re taking on the tuna.

Airport X-Ray I feel safe in airports, too. And I think the main reason for that is the high-caliber individuals we have working at the X-ray security counters. Here’s a crack squad of savvy, motivated personnel. The way you want to set up your airport security is you want the short, heavyset woman at the front with the skin-tight uniform. That’s your first line of defense. You want those pants so tight, the flap in front of the zipper has pulled itself open and you can see the metal tangs of the zipper hanging on for dear life. Then you put the bag on the conveyor belt. Goes through the little luggage car wash. Then you have that other genius down at the end looking in the little X-ray TV screen. This Einstein has chosen to stand in front of X-rays 14 hours a day as his profession. I’ve looked in that TV screen. I cannot make out one object. He’s standing there, “What is that, a hairdryer with a scope on it? That looks okay… keep it moving. Some sort of bowling ball candle? Yeah, I’ve got no problem with that, we don’t want to hold up the line.”

Drugs at Customs I went through customs recently. The guy asks me, “Any plants?” “No.” “Any alcohol?” “No.” Then he says, “Any drugs?” Is he catching people like this? “Any drugs?” “Bingo, you got me. Slap the cuffs on. I don’t know how you did it. I was not expecting that question.”

Hotels I like hotels because I enjoy tiny soap. I like to pretend it’s normal soap and that my muscles are huge.

Nice day today here. Or not. Who cares? I don’t even know. I’m a Northeast guy. I like whatever the weather. Because that is the weather for the day that it is. Here’s your choice: You’re dead. Or it’s today. Those are the options. You either don’t exist or, occasional drizzle. Take your pick. No interest in what it Might be Could be Should be Used to be. When people mention weather, I cannot pretend to care. I cannot keep the conversation going. “Can you believe this weather?” “Yes, I can.” “Do you think it’s going to stay like this?” “No—I don’t.” Indoors stays the same. Go there.

People can’t believe the weather, these are the same people who can’t believe the time. “Is it 3 o’clock already? I can’t believe it’s 3 o’clock.” “Well, it is. Every day at this time it’s 3 o’clock.” Can’t believe the time. Can’t believe the temperature. Why don’t you hang out in front of the bank sign all day? Every time it changes you can go, “Incredible. Another shocker. Is anybody else seeing this?”