Darklight (Darklight #1)

by Bella Forrest

she and Dorian enjoyed each other’s company to the point that the adventure should have been fun.

It's because he's marked you, and there's nothing left for her there.

When he turned away from her to speak to Thoth, the humor fell from her face like a curtain dropping to the floor. I couldn’t interpret what I saw before she caught me looking and glared until I dropped my gaze.

You stole him, and she knows it. You're chosen.

"No, nothing’s wrong. I need to discuss something private with you. Can we sit down somewhere?"

OH! You should tell him you've been chosen and you're becoming a vampire and you're going to marry Dorian and bring balance to the worlds. That would be funny!

"Bryce, Dorian, and I have been working on a side project under wraps.

A special human-vampire breeding project.

We're going to Ohio, to an Amish community, to try and figure out why people have been going missing over the past year,"

It'll be really funny when it turns out the Amish are evil and the vampires are eating them. Either that or they've been chosen to restore the balance too.

"He made an executive decision for the sake of protecting human lives. And he's going to put tracking devices on them,” I said, projecting confidence.

Don't worry! We have it all planned out, and besides, Dorian's my true vampire love, and he'd never do anything to hurt me, except turning me.

The exhausted circles under their eyes grew darker by the day, in contrast to their moving shadows.

I feel like this should have been mentioned sooner.

“We’ve never seen hide or hair of these kidnappers. It’s a little depressing, after all this time.” The officer’s voice grew heavy and his gaze sad under his bushy brows. We moved on quickly; his admission made me impatient to get to the bottom of things. "Ten four," Zach said behind his hand as we went on our way, and I fought the urge to smack his arm. I knew it was his way of dealing with tension, but now wasn’t the time to be kidding around.

You really need to work on your dialogue. This is terrible.

"You guys haven't felt anything at all?" I pressed. My anxiety nagged in the back of my mind. I hated the idea of returning to the facility empty-handed, and I was projecting it onto the vampires. We'd walked the entire village, which comprised one

You just arrived. You expected it could be a multi-day mission. This author really doesn't want to write their own story and just wants to rush through everything with character impatience and ignorance.

Ah, there was the Kane we knew and loved.

I wouldn't know, I haven't been exposed to him enough as the reader.

"Aye-aye, Lieutenant," Kane replied, only a little sardonically.

Seriously? He's cracking Zach jokes now?

The main room contained a rickety table and a few thin-legged chairs,

Rickety is not a descriptor I'd expect to hear in regard to Amish furniture.

I felt a twinge of disappointment, but professional Lyra nipped that right in the bud.

Oh yes, please nip that. We're not in middle school after all.

This mission was about proving the vampires’ ability and saving children,

Was it about children? I must have missed that.

I heard Kane sigh heavily behind the plywood. I wondered if it was in response to my mention of food or if he was just being… Kane.

Yeah, don't ask them how their starvation fast is going or anything. Wouldn't want a vampire thinking you cared, and especially wouldn't want to have a better understanding of them so you could know whether not they were on the verge of attacking someone.

"Old school," Zach noted with a hint of wonder, wandering closer. "Way fancier than the ones we had as kids, though."

He didn't notice it when you got it? Plus, that works way out here in the boonies? Why the heck were you dropped off in the middle of nowhere anyway?

"Don't act all innocent, Miss Prissy Pants," Zach replied with his crooked grin, easing down into a chair next to me. "You were an accomplice to that crime." He hadn’t called me “Miss Prissy Pants” in a good long while. I still lovingly hated it.

Yeah, I don't care, let's just end this book already.

“It’s bothered me for a while. It doesn’t feel humane, especially with the little guys,” Zach said. He shifted in his cot, his emotional discomfort evident in the movement of his body.

Finally somebody cares!

I looked forward to soothing them with warm water.

Ha! Seriously? Did you forget where you were?

Dorian said calmly, watching me watching him. I told myself it really wasn’t that big of a deal. I mean, I’d been to a beach before. This felt much different than hanging out at the lake.

Ugh! What are you trying to say here? Just say it. Is it like the beach, or not like a lake? Learn to express what you mean!

Someone had set my skin on fire.

Oh good! You're going to die and this torture can finally end! How are there seven books of this trash?

The image I’d come away from this incident with would probably come back late at night when I couldn’t sleep.

Ugh! Stop saying stuff like this.

I might’ve raised my idea with him in the morning, when it was just the two of us, if I hadn’t been distracted by certain visual environmental factors.

Seriously! Isn't dealing with starvation more important then being embarrassed by his wet pecks? Ugh. Middle schoolers!

My walkie buzzed, saving us from the need to disagree about further details of the plan.

And saving the author from having to write meaningful dialogue.

I thanked him for their kindness, specifically leaving out the fact that we would be night-surveilling in secret. Shelton didn’t need to know any specific details of our plans that didn’t involve the cops. Besides, the last thing we needed was more officers in our way during our investigation. They had turned out to be of very little help up until that point, though they were kind enough.

Now that they don't know what you're up to, you're gonna catch one of these graveyard drivers in the act.

I paused to make sure that the infrared video camera I’d requisitioned for the mission hung securely over my shoulder. It was a fancy gadget, phenomenally lightweight yet jammed with features, including the most powerful zoom lens I’d ever used and a live backup-to-cloud mode.

Cloud access out here where you have to use walkie talkies instead pf cell phones? Plus super zoom and lightweight? Ugh... Get real.

I physically shook my head to remind myself to focus on my steps, not his fingers wrapped around mine.

Stop this! No one in their right mind would think about this in the "hunting" situation they're in.

I didn’t even realize his intention before, without hesitation, he swung me onto his back. In silent understanding, I wrapped my arms tightly around his shoulders and gripped his sides with my thighs.

Well I bet this wasn't inspired by Twilight. Still wondering why I'm here reading this when I could be reading that.

"Found them," Dorian whispered triumphantly, his breathing remarkably steady. This guy was all business today. I looked through the camera screen, but I heard them first. Cracking pinecones and voices about forty yards ahead.

So here in the middle of nowhere he had to be close to sense their darkness, but back in the middle of Sin City he was able to hunt down murderers from blocks away without any trouble?

The men were wearing police uniforms.

Big shocker there!

"Stay on my back." Dorian began to crawl toward the cabin, leaves and twigs crunching under his arms and knees. If they hurt him, he gave no sign.

Did you even bother trying to think about how this would actually work? Have you ever crawled with another person on your back? Even disregarding the strength required, there are now four extra limbs awkwardly dangling from his body.

I silently thanked the stars I hadn’t texted Zach. The last thing we needed was two vampires acting up.

Oh, is this it? Are you going to kiss him in order to distract him and calm him down? Ooh! I can't wait.

The sound of beeping woke me. I slowly opened my eyes, a heavy fog stifling my brain. My arms, chest, and legs were dotted with Band-Aids, and I felt one on my chin, too. I noticed several new, blotchy bruises. I blinked, searching through my clouded memory to remember where I was. We'd flown home. Zach had gripped my hand the whole time. I’d drifted in and out of sleep. Dorian had been watching me every time I’d opened my eyes. They'd admitted me to the medical wing the night before. Both had followed me until the medics told them they weren’t allowed in the medical wing. They’d tried to speak to me, their expressions reassuring, but I’d been too out of it to register the words. They’d waved to me from the glass window, Dorian staying a heartbeat longer, as the staff ushered them away. The rhythmic beeping continued as I sat up. My chest didn't hurt. Only a lingering dull ache remained in my muscles. I took solace in that, grateful for the relief. I wiggled my toes, warm under several blankets.

This is starting to make me think of the ending scene of the first Resident Evil movie.

"Have some follow-up for you on your excellent mission," he continued before I could even ask anything, jumping straight to the subject I desperately needed to know about.

Wow! Too lazy to even finish writing the mission. Flew them home instantly while she was unconscious and then don't even bother asking how she's feeling now that she's awake. Just straight into questions about the mission that she didn't finish.

He set a hand on my shoulder for a second, probably knowing I’d been torturing myself over that for hours.

No you haven't . You were unconscious.

"Kane, Dorian, your brother, and another senior soldier flew to the police station in Vegas right after dawn,” he replied. “Jim wanted their confirmations on the arrests."

So they flew home over night while arrests were happening, then they flew to Vegas while the culprits were also being flown to Vegas for some reason. And somehow we have evidence against these crooked cops, even though we can't admit there were vampires involved. Sure there's the video, but any sign of Dorian on that recording makes it useless, because as soon as you edit it, it's worthless .

“Dorian let us know about the difficulty that could arise due to their hunger, and he and Kane graciously agreed to be restrained during the validation process. They won't return with regrets.

Lol. That's the best solution you could come up with?

"Things are going really well. Better than expected. The species relations are calm, even friendly."

Almost frisky, even!

"So, tell us about these redbill missions," my dad said, taking over while Mom set the phone down on the table and continued eating her breakfast.

So... Let's reexamine the clock here. Flew back overnight, team flew out after dawn, you woke up in hospital wing, ate, checked out, showered (taking your time), etc. Everybody is gone on missions, and your parents are in a timezone an hour ahead of you... Why are they still at home eating breakfast and not at work? Who wrote this!?

Dad described some of the hitches they'd overcome in the previous week. Business as usual.

Ugh. If you're just going to fade to black, why bother bringing it up in the first place. Lyra may as well have just gone to vegas and never made this call in the first place. Could have saved you all the holes I've poked in this chapter's timeline.

That had only taken thirty minutes. How did normal people stand downtime? I wanted to be in Vegas with my team.

Not a bad idea. Would have left fewer holes in your plot and timeline.

I wasn’t sure I’d ever had a moment that left me feeling so connected to another person during a mission before.

Why does it matter that it was during a mission? Based on your "workaholic" character, I'd expect you've never had a connected moment like this ever in your life.

I’d never had a boyfriend; I’d always had other things occupying my time.

Well you've got one now. Partner for life.

The children dropped their stuffed animals and hurried to their doorway, where they gazed up at me with their normal mixture of cheer and intense curiosity. I smiled down at them, pleased to see their little faces.

When did they stop being shy and become so friendly?

Detra looked me dead in the eyes. "Did you and Dorian go on a 'date'?"

Uhh. Because refugee vampire kids know what that means.

glassy, steely gray eyes

got enough Ys in that phrase?

I sat alone, thoughts of Dorian and what my life would be like after this mission ended swirling in my mind, until the kitchen staff started cleaning. Then, to get out of their way, I headed to the side-door to walk aimlessly around the yard.

Didn't the last chapter just say she liked to keep herself busy and avoid down time for this kind of moping? Stick to your developed character. She'd be in the gym working out.

"Relax, Lieutenant. Your beau will be here soon," he said, winking at me for the second time that day.

Seriously! They're okay with her vampire crush? This is beyond dumb. Of all people, I think Bryce would have been the most guarded and cautious of the vampires. His character has been wrong since this whole experiment started.

Now, she crumpled the napkin in her hand, threw it away, and walked directly up to where Sike sat, her knees almost touching his.

Now this is a pairing that seems more natural. Side characters that we don't have great insite into. But Lyra the workaholic and Dorian the tribe leader just doesn't fit their character profiles.

Sike regarded her. Then, with his newly cast-less arm—he’d finally ditched his bandages a few days earlier—he reached out and took Louise’s extended hand.

How do you know about the bandages? You haven't seen him for a few days.