The Power of Showing Up: How Parental Presence Shapes Who Our Kids Become and How Their Brains Get Wired

by Daniel J. Siegel

They need us to be there and show them what soothing looks like.

In that case create with them a “distress signal,” possibly a code word they can use that means, “I need help. I don’t know how to calm myself down right now.” Maybe it’s a word they think sounds funny, like “boysenberry,” or a made-up silly term, or they might choose a more common term like “cardboard.” Or you might not even use words and instead decide on a nonverbal code,

Ask parents to use this word

Great chart have dan make (child artist)

Here’s an exercise to help you think about different ways to connect using nonverbal communication. Using your hands, working from the top down, point out each of seven nonverbal signals to remind yourself of the many ways you can engage with your child without ever saying a word. Start by taking your index finger and circling it around your face, representing facial expressions. Then point to your eyes, which stand for eye contact. Now, point to your throat, which represents tone of voice. Now point to your shoulders and body, which denote your posture. Move your hands and arms, which stand for gestures. Point to your wrist (where a watch would be) for the timing of your response, and finally, make fists with your hands, showing the energy or intensity of your response.

This is great Video

You communicate, with both your words and your actions, how much love you feel for your child. How much compassion about what he’s going through. How much you desire to help if you can. One of the most powerful ways to soothe someone—child or adult—is to help that person feel fully, absolutely loved.

One of our favorite techniques to help bring calm to a situation when a child is upset is to get below the child’s eye level during the discussion.

empathy springs from parental attunement and allows the child to feel felt.

We’re challenged by moments that require every ounce of our strength and courage. Treasured relationships end. We face a devastating loss. We’re shaken by difficult changes in our health, our career, our family, our finances, or some other crucial life situation. If we’re fortunate, we have attachment figures in our adult life, key individuals within our support system of family, partners, and/or friends to help us through the most challenging times.

disorganized attachment, our caregiver was a source of terror, and we had the internal experience of a drive toward the caregiver for protection but, at the same time, a drive away from that person—the source of distress. That fragmenting experience can lead to an internal state of dissociation, especially under stress. Even our sense of reality, our epistemic trust, can be on shaky ground when such a biological paradox is our attachment legacy. Both internal and interactive means of soothing are compromised, and even our sense of what can be trusted as real can be fragmented in the experience of disorganized attachment.

Showing up for your kids is about being there for them, even, and maybe especially, when they’re at their worst.

a slammed door his last word on the subject.

His nervous system would have remained in a heightened state of arousal, and the relationship would have suffered the consequences. It would have been a lose-lose situation.

Even in the midst of his anger and resentment, Clay was learning about his father, who was modeling for him the way parents provide secure attachment: They keep their kids safe even when it means making an unpopular decision; they see and listen even when a child is lashing out (while drawing boundaries at times regarding respectful communication); and they make efforts to soothe and offer P-E-A-C-E when their children are upset.

a child develops a schema—a generalization based on repeated experiences—that says, “My inner life is worthy of being seen.” Not entitled, just a sense of inner worth that says, “My inner world—my feelings, my thoughts, my dreams, my longings, my meaning of things, the story of who I am—these are good and worthy of being shared with others.” That’s security.

“chased the why”

you hurt your brother, so I’m going to help you calm down. We can go to your peaceful place, or I can hold you right here.”

When kids don’t enjoy this type of security with an attachment figure, the opposite typically applies.

fully expects safety to be an inherent quality in her life.

The safety provided by the secure base allows him to take on more and more.

Circle of Security International (COS),

In fact, the research shows just the opposite. Kids who believe that their caregivers will show up for them over and over again develop the independence and resilience that give them the self-confidence to step beyond their comfort zones. They will explore more courageously, and venture farther out, than children who haven’t received that kind of attention and care.

It is indeed important that parents remain the authorities in the relationship—you’ve heard us say so throughout the book.

prioritizing the relationship and maintaining self-control.

remain thoughtful, measured, calm, and fair-minded. That’s strength, not weakness.

Our point is simply that authority is not inherently linked to force or severity.

we need to be discerning as we decide how much struggle they can endure, and we always—yes, always—want to provide emotional support along the way. If we mess up, we can always make a repair with a sincere apology.

positive stress, which occurs when we feel pressure to perform in a way that motivates us without overwhelming or engulfing us.

It might make us study hard for a test, or be more productive, or perform well under pressure. Positive stress can mobilize and even invigorate us, nudging us to accomplish tasks we might not otherwise be able to.

toxic stress, which can become harmful. It has the potential to take a significant toll on development, on the life trajectory and quality of life, even including physical health and life expectancy. This is the kind of stress that results from the adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) we discussed previously. Especially in the life of a child, toxic stress contains the potential for trauma that can produce long-lasting harm.

When you show up for your kids, you build trust with them. Each time they need you and you’re there for them, the trust in the relationship goes up.

Call it a trust fund.

This phrasing is a little classist

Some experts have even taught that babies are capable of manipulating their parents. Fortunately, science has demonstrated otherwise.

We now know that newborn children don’t have the ability to manipulate.

Manipulation, after all, is a very sophisticated skill that requires the prefrontal cortex to process complex thinking, and that par...

Babies’ needs are needs, not mere desires. It’s not spoiling when we give our children what they need—when we comfort them when they’re upset, feed them when they’re hungry, hold them when they a...

A quick note to new parents: All that being said, you have needs too! It might help from time to time to get someone else to come over and nurture your baby for a while so you can sleep and shower or do something for yourself. And please take just an hour or two to go out to eat without your little one—preferably within the first six weeks of his life.

Remember, historically, we didn’t raise our babies so isolated from support and help. In our evolutionary history and in many cultures around the world in the not-so-distant past, parenting was a responsibility shared with a select few other nonparent figures, something called alloparenting in the literature.

Contemporary culture often doesn’t support this important way we developed to raise children in community. So you may need to find those trusted individuals in your life—they could be your relatives or close friends or people in your neighborhood who are caregiving as well—and take a needed break.

Care for yourself and replenish your energy and vitality. Chances are, after that break you’ll actually be glad to come home and pay attention to your baby’s needs once again.

More Classicism

A powerful message you can give your kids when they’re upset is, “You’re safe. I’m here. You’re not alone. It’s going to be okay.”

“That’s so frustrating when your screen time is up and you’re right in the middle of the level. I know that’s hard. I get frustrated, too, when I have to interrupt something I’m working on.”

!

Instead, we’re saying we want to build the firm belief for our children that when they need us, we’ll be there to support them, even when we can’t—or choose not to—resolve the specific issue they’re facing.

“Here comes a scary wave and I feel worried,” or “This wave is kinda sad, and that’s how I feel.” Then he could visualize himself diving down below that wave and allowing it to pass overhead before rising to the surface again. Lucia taught him this kind of visualization, along with some other simple ways he could find calm within himself—get still and pay attention to his breathing;

The core you is that quiet place within yourself, and you can go there any time you want, whether you’re happy or sad.”

This is the lesson of that baby sandpiper Pixar short

Just because a child gets bullied and feels scared doesn’t mean that he’s a victim in every area of his life.

Just because someone performs poorly on a test doesn’t mean she’s a bad student.

Those are just emotional events in their lives, and they have nothing to do with a person’s core iden...

feelings are important and should definitely be recognized as such, but we also should recognize that they are flowing and changing throughout our lives, and throughout our day.