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January 7 - January 20, 2020
They need to learn the value of working hard, and to be encouraged to do more than they realize they’re capable of. However, there are also times when, if we dive deeper, we’ll discover that we’re making unrealistic demands on a child.
it’s not a choice that the child is making
Exactly. And none of this means you let the boy flout classroom rules or continue as a distraction. The behavior, obviously, has to be addressed for his sake and for the learning of the others in the room. But this different lens gives you a better idea of why your current system isn’t working with this boy.
chronic sleep deprivation
adjusting to a divorce
the demand of the environment exceeds her current capacity.
Make Space and Time to Look and Learn
I can do FBAs on students during specials
With a bit of forethought, you can schedule a few minutes of connecting time as part of your nighttime routine.
job may not be to encourage conversation, but to steer it in more focused and profitable directions, so that the discussion can lead to greater connection and understanding.
Silence is okay too. Being quiet together, simply breathing, can be intimate and connecting. So don’t feel pressure to force conversation when it’s not the right time.
One of our deepest needs as humans is connection—to be seen and therefore known. Being understood by another allows us to know ourselves and to live authentically out of our internal experience.
Even when things don’t go as you’d like, your relationships can serve as a source of strength and meaning.
They instead grew up in families where almost all of the attention was focused on external and surface-level experiences: what they did and how they behaved, misbehaved, or achieved. Families like these can have fun with one another and enjoy activities together, but the world within is largely ignored. Dinnertime discussions might cover surface topics like current events, what the dog did, what the neighbor said, or other topics that, while being perfectly acceptable subjects of conversation, are cut off from the internal experiences of feelings, memories, meanings, and thoughts—the
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emotions are often expressed with the nonverbal signals of eye contact, facial expressions, tone of voice, postures, gestures, and the timing and intensity of responses. Those are all expressed and perceived predominantly by the right hemisphere of the brain.
Do they believe that you’ll show up and be there for them, even when they’re feeling distressed or behaving at their worst?
Just take one small step toward making your kids feel more seen and understood than they already do.
“proactive soothing”? She could have said, “I can tell this picture is important. Who is it for?” Then she could have followed up by telling Max, “I know you love making things for your mom. Hmmm. Since it’s time to go outside to play now, where do you think we should put it to make sure it’s really safe until you can finish it later?
If my feelings get big and out of control, someone will be there for me and help me calm down and make good decisions.
his teacher could still have addressed the difficult behavior and helped him build skills like patience and impulse control.
What if there were two Maxes or 8?
They found that when their most dysregulated, reactive students were given empathy, connection, soothing, and support in the moments they were dysregulated, they calmed down more quickly than the times they were punished for their reactions or were told to go into a room and calm themselves down.
And remarkably, but not surprisingly, they found that this soothing approach over time also began significantly decreasing the length, intensity, and frequency of behavioral outbursts and other disciplinary issues.
You might not get what you want right now, but it will be okay. I’m here for you.
the repeated experience of interactive soothing can lead to an internalized capacity for the child to soothe herself when she needs it.
Her caregiver soothes her interpersonally now, thus building the neurological circuits for inner soothing.
“flipping your lid” because the prefrontal cortex, the upstairs brain, becomes disconnected from the reactive lower parts of the brain that hijack our thoughtful, regulated self.
Kids perspective
Not always, but often, controlling himself might be more of a can’t than a won’t.
able to control himself but is choosing to cry and flail in the hope of getting want he wants (an upstairs tantrum), our response can be the same. Hold the boundary, but do so while providing support and soothing for the emotions and reactions that result.
This is a point many parents often miss: We really can hold firm boundaries about behaviors and expectations while being “soft” toward the child and his emotions. Giving in or ignoring the child and his feelings are not our only options! We can connect first, then redirect.
I’m right here if you need ,e while you’re upset
I understand, honey. You felt like I blamed you without listening to your side first—you’ll
Great for classroom,
when the parents returned to the room after a brief separation—what’s called the “reunion phase”—the
Children need to know what’s expected of them.
“GO TO SLEEP!”? As if having someone angrily scream that you should sleep is going to make it happen. It really is humorous how often we parents behave in ways, produced by our own reactivity, that consistently end up being counterproductive—we often work against our own goals!
A soothing response, in contrast, is not only more caring and compassionate, it’s actually more effective.
a contingent response filled with compassion while honoring limits and structure.
!
it’s possible to hold the boundary even as you soothe.
Teach the lessons you need to teach, but do so in a way that values and prioritizes the relationship.
Send to hampton
sulking after losing a game,
parents can offer the repeated experience of interactive soothing, where we work with them to reclaim calm and return to the green zone.
“holding the space,” where we make it safe for our children to express strong or difficult emotions or though...
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give them some specific tools they can use to create calm within themselves when inner chaos threatens to take over. Here are some strategies to help you do just that.
watch for ways to rein in the reactivity before it gets too intense.
The basic idea is that you and your child work together beforehand to come up with some simple strategies to employ when he feels like he’s going to move fully into either the red or blue zone.
CREATE A “CALM CAVE” Sometimes we just need to get away, to remove ourselves from a high-stress situation. Our kids are no different. Having a place to retreat and recover when they feel strong emotions beginning to take over can be a great tool for returning to the green zone.
CHOOSE SOME SOOTHING MUSIC
movement soothes the body and the emotions it experiences.
getting them to move breaks through the hurt feelings better than just about anything we do.”
The final tool we’ll mention here is to teach kids that they don’t always have to use internal self-soothing strategies.
They’re not on their own.
