The Perfect Child

by Lucinda Berry

She talks to everybody else but me, even strangers we meet in stores.”

I shouldn’t have to feel guilty because Janie had a different bond with me, but Hannah made me feel awful about it.

“Just because she’s challenging doesn’t mean those qualities you described aren’t real. Both things can be true,

She can be a sweet, charming girl and also mean and manipulative.”

“One of the things you realize pretty quickly about parenting is the number of conflicting emotions y...

I hoped we could find our way back to feeling like we were on the same team.

tried to keep my face neutral as Janie kicked the back of my seat while I drove her to her first appointment with Dr. Chandler. I’d asked her to stop twice, but as always, she’d acted like she hadn’t heard me.

She had paused, and for a second, I had thought she was done, but she had turned and looked at me, challenge written all over her face.

Janie curled her lips in disgust. “No. There’s no mommy.”

It makes perfect sense that she hates her mother. But not just her mother—all mothers. She associates women with mothers, and unfortunately, you happen to be in that role.

“Nobody else gets to see how it really is. Christopher acts like it’s not that big of a deal, and it makes me feel crazy.”

He got angry when I described the session, like I’d gone without him to create a secret alliance with Dr. Chandler, even though he’d known all about the appointment.

there was no mistaking the smugness on her face when she talked with someone while I was in the same room or in close proximity.

She can’t help what her mom did to her, and she doesn’t even realize that’s why she hates me, but Christopher, she does hate me.”

She’d drilled it into our heads since our second session that we needed to ignore her bad behavior whenever we could because she fed off the attention and emotional energy that we gave her when she was acting out.

how could they make any kind of diagnosis about her psychological state when she was so traumatized and far behind developmentally?

“The child will act a certain way with one parent and a different way with the other parent. They try all kinds of things to drive a wedge in the parents’ relationship.”

“Threatened by you? You act like she’s some jealous girlfriend. She’s a little girl, Hannah.”

“Right now, Janie thinks you’re on her side and that it’s the two of you against Hannah.”

I didn’t understand why we couldn’t just give Janie time to work through her feelings about her mom.

“What’s the point of going to therapy if you’re not going to do what the therapist suggests?”

I didn’t disagree with setting boundaries with Janie, but she was too fragile to be pushed.

saw Janie get so mad once that she chewed the flesh off her own finger.

“You know Janie took off earlier today to get your attention, right?” He shrugged. “Maybe, but she’s also impulsive. You know how she gets.”

I’d tried to talk to Christopher about it, but he didn’t understand my feelings because his relationship with Janie hadn’t been affected by the weeks of silence and the stitches incident.

I was an intensely private person about everything in the bathroom.

“I would do anything for her.” It wasn’t what he’d said. It was how he’d said it, like he’d do anything for her, but I wouldn’t.

She needs constant one-to-one attention, and we just can’t provide that because it’s not fair to the other kids.

“No, something always happens when we make her do things that she doesn’t want to do.”

don’t like school.” She grinned at us. There was no mistaking the pride on her face. My stomach rolled.

“Yes, I did ask the Bauers if they wanted to go through with the adoption, but only because it’s my legal responsibility to do so.

tonight. I couldn’t remember the last time we’d spent the evening discussing something other than her.

So much of the frustration and resentment between us was gone, evaporated by taking the time to connect with each other. I couldn’t forget how important she was to me too.

She functioned best in a structured environment, and I’d finally found a schedule that worked well for her.

“I don’t want people to know. I’m sure it’s not going to last. I’m just shocked.”

wanted the miscarriage to hurry up and happen so I could be done with it and we could keep moving forward in our lives.

I shook my head. I’d trained myself a long time ago not to get excited. That was when you got hurt.

Quit talking to me like I’m an idiot and acting like I was a teenager hiding her pregnancy.

“I’m sorry. Really, I am. I’m just shocked. I don’t even know what to say.” “You could say congratulations,”

Her face beamed with the glow of pregnancy, and I’d never seen her look happier.

I thought about being Janie’s dad, and I kept waiting for the sudden rush of love for our new baby, but it just didn’t come.

don’t know why you’re so scared. I’m the one who’s going to have to be here all day dealing with the drama.”

It was the first time in our marriage that I had consciously lied to her.

My family was thrilled about my pregnancy, which made up for Christopher’s lack of enthusiasm. They doted on me constantly.

She looked at him with confusion, like she wasn’t really sure what he was asking and was trying to figure out the correct response because she loved nothing more than pleasing him.

I was getting rid of anything old and getting ready for something new.

She glared at her, then promptly squeezed her hands together and popped the balloon, making us all jump.

We were one step away from a battle.

At first, we ignored her like we did with so much of her attention-seeking behavior, but we had to step in when she went over to the cake.

“You’re going to be a bad mommy.”