The Perfect Child

by Lucinda Berry

“She didn’t come back until Janie was almost two.”

Our goal was to keep everything like the hospital so we could maintain her routines. We hoped her adoptive parents would do the same.

Maybe we didn’t spend time in the kitchen because we’d never had a reason to before.

Piper had stressed the importance of letting her sleep alone because otherwise it would be harder for her to leave when it was time.

There was so much we’d wanted to get her, but it didn’t make sense to fill her room with stuff when she was only going to be with us for a short time.

Her face was blank, emotionless, an expression I’d never seen her wear before.

She wasn’t bothered by her soiled diapers even when they were packed with feces. If it weren’t for the smell, we wouldn’t have noticed because she never complained about it or told us she’d gone. Urinating was the same way; she’d sit in her mess all

“I think you need to lower your standards for parents.”

“I just . . . I mean, I know it sounds silly, and I get that we’d be great parents for her, but I . . . I want a baby.”

During our infertility journey we had agreed to stop trying once I reached forty and accept our childless fate

We’d celebrated my forty-first birthday this past year and decided we’d stretch our limit to forty-three.

Every part of me wanted to help her, to give her a perfect home and wash all her pain away, but adopting her meant giving up my dream.

The only way I can do this with Janie right now is because it’s temporary, so I don’t allow myself to get attached like it’s permanent.

I grieved the loss of my faceless babies. I did it alone because Christopher didn’t understand.

Our whole life is going to be disrupted, and I’m not sure you’ve given thought to all the problems she’s going to have.

“Sometimes I think you let your emotions with Janie cloud your thinking, and I just want to make sure you’re thinking about this rationally.”

There’s going to be a ton of work initially, but there might come a day when she’s totally normal.” I raised my eyebrows. “Do you really think she could be normal?”

We could take our family leave time like we planned to do when we got a baby and put all our focus on helping her adapt and adjust.”

No matter what their stories, they had one thing in common—all of them were searching for their forever families, and their stories were heart wrenching.

We didn’t want to be saviors. We just wanted to be parents.

The closer I got to saying yes, the further away my dreams of a baby went.

What if this is our chance to have a beautiful family and we never get another one?”

knew what I had to do, what I wanted to do—but it didn’t make the pain of what I was giving up any less.

It was just like I’d imagined he’d react when I showed him a pregnancy stick with two red lines in the window. Maybe this wouldn’t be as different as I’d thought.

Janie had an entire team helping her with her issues, but they didn’t have anyone. Lots of parents forget about themselves.”

When you’re dealing with an emotionally troubled child, it gives a whole new meaning to ‘It takes a village to raise a child.’”

“I explained to them that sometimes they had to make decisions based on their own situation. I suggested they introduce Janie to their families.”

Christopher wouldn’t stop taking pictures, but she didn’t mind because getting her picture taken was one of her favorite things, and she never tired of scrolling through them. She smiled and beamed for each one.

She shined in the spotlight.

“She’s definitely not what I’d pictured.” She cast me a sideways glance like she was questioning everything I’d told her before about how difficult Janie was. I took a sip of my wine and laughed. “Maybe she just doesn’t like us.”

I wasn’t sure which was worse—being woken up by Janie’s bloodcurdling screams or her staring down silently while we slept, the anger radiating off her.

said it didn’t matter either way because it was common in people who had been diagnosed with posttraumatic stress disorder.

Janie always came to me first for everything, no matter what.

Christopher had left for his first day back at work two hours ago, and so far, Janie hadn’t spoken to me once.

At what point did we stop giving in to her and start holding her accountable?

“I have to get groceries,” I said, but neither of them acted like they’d heard me.

I told you that she’s mad about being left here with me while you go to work. She’s ignoring me to be mean.”

“Do you hear yourself? Being mean? She doesn’t even know how to be mean.”

“Parenting a traumatized child is horribly difficult. Most of them suffer from severe attachment issues, and mothers are usually the targets of their rage. It can get pretty awful.”

“She’s been like that since Christopher went back to work. Ignores me completely. Talks to everyone else but me.”

It feels good to hear you say that. Christopher looks at me like I’m making a big deal out of nothing. It drives me crazy that he doesn’t see how disturbing it is.

We always tell families that it’s going to take about a year before things stabilize. Sometimes it takes even longer.”

We’d fought in the car on the way over. I could tell by the rigidity in her body that she was still mad at me.

She was too young to be that manipulative. And besides, Hannah was an adult. She could handle it.

Hannah looked comfortable, but I was awkward and stiff.

parts of it have been extremely challenging, but things are steadily improving.” Hannah snorted.

not because she’s improving—we’ve just gotten better at dealing with her,”

I’d like for her to learn how to sleep by herself. It’s a skill she needs to have, and I miss sleeping with my husband.

I was okay with all of this in the beginning because having Janie feel safe and secure with us was the most important thing, but I feel like we’ve done that, so it’s time to move to the next phase, which probably means starting to deal with the issues head-on.”

I don’t know what she does to him now, but she just stares at me like she’s plotting something. I can feel the rage coming off her,”