Defenseless Hearts (Fumbled Futures #2)

by Meagan Brandy

I swallow, my leg bouncing. “Fine. Do you love her?” “Not the way you’re thinking.” “Don’t lie!”

“You’ve got nerve, Kenra. Real fucking nerve. All I’ve tried to do for years is get you to need me back because I’ve fucking needed you. You were the only one I had when my world fell apart. Nothing felt right if you weren’t around. Then, when you were there, it wasn’t as mine. I waited, Kenra. I held out hope that you’d one day knock and finally tell me you needed me back, but you never did.

“After two years of it, I realized I could never be enough for you, so I stopped waiting, but I couldn’t fucking let go. I was a zombie in my own skin who ran around like a fucking clown, not a care in the world when all I wanted was the girl I couldn’t have. All I thought about was how I wasn’t enough for my mother to love, not enough for my dad to be brave, not enough to save my sister from the hell I lived, and not enough for you to walk away from your asshole fiancé.”

“And then Lolli came along, and you fell in love all over again, right? Another girl you couldn’t have?” A bitter laugh leaves him, and he scrubs a hand down his face. “If you cared about me even a little bit, which I kno...

“And why is that?”

“Because she saved me, helped fix all the things you broke in me. She made me believe I was enough, that the things that had happened in my life were beyond my control. Bad happened to me, yes, but not because of who I was or wasn’t. Meeting her, growing close to her, might very well be the best thing that has ever happened to me. She gave me hope without trying. Because that’s who she is. I have a piece of her, just like she does me, and I’ll forever be grateful for her. And, yes, Kenra, since you wanna hear me say it so damn bad … I do love Lolli.”

He knows I love her. More than that, he knows how much I respect her and their relationship. I’d do anything for her. She’s a part of me, and she always will be. We’re family.

“Look, I don’t know what the fuck is going on with you and my sister—heavy shit apparently—but you guys need to figure it out and quick. She won’t stay forever, and I won’t have either of you making Kalani uncomfortable with the bullshit tension Kenra’s trying to create.” He eyes me. “I love my sister, but she’s not acting right. This is your home just as much as it is Kalani’s. If Kenra keeps this shit up, you’ll need to be the one to tell her to go.” He looks off before sighing and glancing back. “We can’t help her if she doesn’t wanna be helped, man. But we can’t let her come in here and fuck up the good thing we’ve all got going, sister or not.”

“I was coming home, Parker. For good. For you.”

Forcing my breathing steady, I shift to face her. “You were coming home?” She nods her head, tears spilling over her cheeks. “I was coming to you.”

My body’s vibrating as I pull her against me, step in even more, and then my lips are on hers, and if I didn’t know it already, this was the sign—nobody could ever take her place.

I drop onto my bed and stare up at the ceiling. This can’t be like all the times before. I can’t let her go. I need her to stay.

“I am not my brother. I am not my father, and I sure as hell am nothing like my mother. I was on the path toward all that, yes. I was numb to what was right and didn’t give a damn. Looked for the prettiest, smartest girl I could find, one I could groom, just like my mother had instructed. Payton was exactly the type of girl my mother wanted me to pull in. Except she wasn’t. She was so much more. As fucked up in the head as I was, we fought all eighth-grade year. Then, when she was pulled and moved schools, after you moved, I convinced my mother I needed to switch, too, to keep her. Took me two weeks to fall for her and took me a year to get her to trust me enough to show her. I would give up everything I have for her without a second thought. Instantly. Always.”

“Look, Parker, it’s obvious there’s history between you and Kenra, and for what it’s worth, I know my brother doesn’t deserve her. I have no respect for him and what he’s pulled to keep her. I hope she leaves him.”

This girl in front of me—this is my Kenra. Every damn bit of her. Every single inch is mine.

I told the girls Kellan and I had split up months ago but hadn’t announced it publicly yet.

But Parker’s stare makes the hairs at the base of my neck tingle.

Deaton speaks up, “My hands stay where they belong—on her. And I’ll take her on that walk, but you’re welcome to come if you feel like showing us around.”

“Open your eyes, Kens.” “I don’t want to,” I whisper. “Everything is better this way.” With my eyes closed, all that exists is him and me and the feel of his body against me. With them open, I have to share the feeling with the world, and I don’t want to share any part of him.

“Why, Kens?” he forces out. “Why do you do this to yourself?”

“Are you sure you wanna know?” I whisper. “You won’t like the answer …” “Why?” I fight to keep the tears away as I stare at the man beside me. “You.”

“Me … what?” His face slowly contorts as his head draws back an inch. “Every time I think of you, I feel like I’m on the verge of a heart attack,” I admit. “My chest grows tight, and my airway swells. I get dizzy, helpless. I literally can’t breathe when it happens. Breaking into my skin helps bring me back. It’s the only control I have. It makes everything easier.”

Everything reverts back to Parker. When I’m angry in my life, I think of him. When I’m sad, it’s because I’ve thought of him. When I’m happy, it’s because he’s on my mind. When I find myself relaxing in my new life, guilt comes because I know I should be with him.

“I’m right fucking here. I’ve been right fucking here. For years. You walked away. You refused to acknowledge what I’ve basically been begging to give you.”

“I’m sorry I can’t be who you deserve. I’m sorry I keep coming back,” I admit. “But, mostly … I’m sorry I ever left in the first place.”

“Are you?” he asks, staring at me dead on. “Are you really?” “Of course I am.” “Then, fix it. Right now.”

“What are you asking me exactly?” “I’m asking you to pick me.” My heart drops as I stare at this man. The only man I’ve ever truly wanted.

“I’m not looking for easy here, Kenra. Don’t need it. I can work harder, longer.” His arms shoot out. “Shit, I’ll work forever if it means I’ll have you in the end.”

“Don’t do this.” “Don’t do what?” He moves closer. “Push you? Fight for you? Fucking beg you? Because I will, and I am. For too long, I’ve sat back and waited for you to admit what I know you feel, and you refuse. Every time, you go back to him. I used to think it was me, that maybe I just wasn’t enough for you, but I know now that’s wrong. I know for a fact I can be everything you could ever need. I fucking feel it, Kenra. With everything inside me … I feel you.”

“Parker …” I tr...

He licks his lips, his face pinched as he glances off. “I’m afraid to ask, Kens, but I have to.” He looks back to me, anguish in his eyes. “What was that last night? And today? What are you doing, Kenra? Do you even know?”

“I didn’t mean to upset you, but damn … I don’t want this for you. I’ve stayed back because I thought you loved him despite everything, but now, I know that can’t be it.” “I wish I could give you-”

“Don’t wish anything for me. Don’t do anything for me. Do it for you. Be happy for you. What I want, shit, what I need? Is to know that you’re happy.”

I want this. All of it. And I want it with him.

“How about you ask me what you wanna know then?” “Are you fucking my sister? My engaged sister?” “No.” “But you want to. Or you would.” “It’s a helluva lot more than what you’re trying to make it, Nate. But, if you wanna demean it down to that, sure. Yes, I would.”

“Kalani’s nineteen years old, man. How could she be so certain about the things she doesn’t want in life? I mean, she could change her mind, right?” He’s slow to bring his gaze to mine. “Would it matter if she didn’t? Change her mind, I mean.” He stares at me, his eyes pinched at the sides. “Not even a little bit.” “Then, what are you worried about?” “Her selflessness,” he answers instantly, and it clicks.

“Nate.” I shake my head. He looks away. “She disappeared on me once. I know that shit was different, and we’re solid as fuck now, but what if she does it again because she wants me to have all the things she thinks I need or want? I don’t need a damn thing but her. Not a damn thing,” he mumbles. “You tell her that?” “’Bout every day since you brought me back to her.” “Then, I say you’re all right.”

“Get the hell outta here with that, Monroe. She wants to. You and football in the same place?” I tease. “That’s Lolli’s brand of heaven.”

“I pretty much asked Kenra to leave Kellan for me today.” Nate’s eyes flash to mine. “I’m in love with your sister.” “In love with my sister?”

“She know you love her?” “I’ve never said it, if that’s what you mean, but she knows.” “She love you back?” “She tries real hard not to.” His eyes close, and he drops back in the swing. “Fuck.” “Yeah.”

“Hey, Baylor?” “Yeah, man?” “I’m glad Kalani has you. She loves you.” I nod, smiling to myself, and he heads toward the house.

Because I know who she wants, and it’s not Kellan. But she has to be brave enough to make us happen.

From now on, I’ll be right here, fighting. Every day until the day she—if she—marries him. And maybe even after.

He grins, but it doesn’t meet his eyes. “Wow. Shorts and leggings in the same day, huh?” I smile at him even though my body aches at the pain in his eyes. Pain I caused but could easily take away. And I just might have to.

I don’t want to miss it anymore. I want to be a part of it.

After a couple of minutes, Parker’s chest hits my back, and I gasp. “Dance with me, Kens,” he breathes against my ear, and I don’t even attempt to cover the shiver that it causes. I go to spin, but he locks my hips in place. “Nah, like this.” His arm slides across my stomach, his fingers spacing out wide across my ribs so he pulls me closer, and then he buries his face in my hair. “Just like this,” he whispers.

And then I realize what they’re singing—Brett Young’s “In Case You Didn’t Know.” “Parker …” “I know, baby,” he whispers, and my heart beats double time.

“In case you didn’t know, Kens. Always.” My eyes squeeze shut, and his chest inflates with his deep breath.

“The night of the dance, when I came to see you, I really thought that would be it,” I tell him in a whisper.

“I wanted to let you go, but I didn’t know how. I kept waiting, hoping the next time I looked into your eyes, you wouldn’t be staring at me the same way you always had. I thought maybe, because of Lolli, that time would be different. That you’d let go. I wanted you to look through me. Past me. I needed to forget you, Parker, and I couldn’t as long as you kept looking at me like I mattered, like I was worth more than I felt. But, when I looked into your eyes, everything was right there, all the things I was feeling—hurt and anger and pain, hope and love. It was staring back at me.”