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you are in a profession that exploits your ability to be there for others.
many subjugated people feel that they lack strong opinions about work-related issues.
Naturally, people take advantage of the situation. It is inevitable that you will become angry about your subjugation at work. But you rarely express your anger directly. You keep your anger bottled up inside. By suppressing it, you increase rather than decrease your anger, and make it more likely that you will express your anger in self-defeating ways.
you have difficulty setting limits on the amount of work you accept from your boss.
unprofessional and damages your image.
Start forming your own preferences and opinions in many aspects of your life: movies, foods, leisure time, politics, current controversial issues, time usage, etc. Learn about yourself and your needs.
Practice confronting people instead of accommodating so much.
Express your anger appropriately,
as soon as you ...
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Learn to feel more comfortable when someone is upset, hur...
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Do not rationalize your tendency to please others so much. Stop telling yourself that...
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Try to resist doing the opposite of what others tell you to do. Try to figure out what you want, and do it even if it is consistent with what authority figures tell you.
Stop Behaving Passive-Aggressively. Push Yourself Systematically to Assert Yourself—Express What You Need or Want. Start with Easy Requests First.
Changing the way you behave with someone changes the way you feel about them. For example, it is hard to remain intimidated after you have dealt with someone assertively. Most important, changing your behavior changes the way you think and feel about yourself.
Positive behavior change creates self-confidence and self-esteem. It builds a sense of mastery.
Do not get distracted by what is always a subjugated person’s hidden agenda: pleasing the other person.
To help the exercises generalize into all the areas of your life, begin to behave assertively in a more spontaneous way, as relevant situations arise.
Try to regard each situation that calls for assertive behavior as a cue for you to practice refining your assertiveness skills.
if there are people who simply do not want to listen, then it is time to reevaluate their importance in your life.
Pull Back from Relationships with People Who Are Too Self-Centered or Selfish to Take Your Needs Into Account. Avoid One-Sided Relationships. Change or Get Out of Relationships Where You Feel Trapped.
we no longer feel that relationships should be preserved at all costs. Some relationships are simply too damaging, and have too few prospects for change.
Practice Confronting People Instead of Accommodating So Much. Express Your Anger Appropriately, as Soon as You Feel It. Learn to Feel More Comfortable When Someone Is Upset, Hurt, or Angry at You.
you must learn to use your anger to improve the relationships in your life.
People can only listen when they are in a receptive state.
Use good timing. Do not choose a time in which either of you is in a highly emotional state.
Do Not Rationalize Your Tendency to Please Others So Much. Stop Telling Yourself That It Doesn’t Really Matter.
The patterns you identify are the ones for you to avoid. We know this will be hard for you because you tend to be most attracted to exactly these types of partners. The chemistry is high, but you cannot sustain these relationships. The cost to you is too great. In the long run, you become angry and unhappy. It is better to choose relationships in which you have equality, even if the chemistry is slightly lower.
As long as you feel some chemistry—even a moderate amount—give the relationship a chance. As you become more accustomed to your new role, the chemistry might increase.
Be More Aggressive at Work. Take Credit for What You Do. Do Not Let Other People Take Advantage of You. Ask for Any Promotions or Raises You Might Be Entitled To. Delegate Responsibilities to Other People.
Are you indirect with your boss and then passive-aggressive later?
It may be scary at first, but you will find that it feels good to be assertive, and this will motivate you to continue.
Try to even out the give-get ratio in your life, so you are giving as much as you are getting.
Make Flashcards. Use Them to Keep You on Track. When you find that you are having trouble, use flashcards. A flashcard can remind you of your right to be assertive. Here is an example of a flashcard written by Carlton. The subject was refusing unreasonable requests.
Flashcards are valuable in making the slow transition from intellectual understanding to emotional acceptance.
As you work to change, it is important to give some recognition to each bit of progress. Give yourself credit where it is due. Change is much harder when you forget to reward yourself for the steps along the way. Try to keep looking back at how far you have come, rather than looking forward to how far you have to go. When you make any change, no matter how slight, take a moment to feel good about it.
your Subjugation lifetrap has the strength of a lifetime of memories and of a multitude of repetitions and confirmations that it is right. Subjugation feels right to you.
You should not become discouraged because change is slow.
It is tempting to berate yourself for your subjugation.
31
It is as though you believe that one of the things you do is finally going to bring you satisfaction. You do not realize that the way you approach everything makes genuine pleasure impossible. Inevitably, whatever you try to accomplish takes on that same cast, that same heavy feeling of pressure.
You believe in the possibility of success—that
It may not make you happy, but it is familiar. It is the devil you know.
THREE TYPES OF UNRELENTING STANDARDS 1. Compulsivity 2. Achievement Orientation 3. Status Orientation
You may have a less severe form of Achievement Orientation. Perhaps the balance between work and play is slightly off in your life.
If you have an excessive Status Orientation, you never feel good enough, no matter what you do. You tend to be self-punitive, or to feel ashamed, when you fail to meet your high expectations.
With conditional love, your childhood is spent running a race to win your parents’ love. The race is endless, with few points of reinforcement along the way.
Success can be a strategy for making a connection to others. Unfortunately, it is usually a pale substitute for real nurturance and understanding.
Your whole life seems to revolve around success, status, and material things. You seem to have lost touch with your basic self and no longer know what really makes you happy.
Your relationships with other people are suffering because so much time goes into meeting your own standards—working, being successful, etc.
You rarely stop and enjoy successes. You rarely savor a sense of accomplishment. Rather, you simply go on to the next task waiting for you.
