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You may have associated with other children who were different, but longed to be part of the in-group.
This pattern, like the other origins we have already discussed, leads you to feel socially anxious and isolated.
Reevaluate the importance of flaws that you cannot change.
Make a hierarchy of social and work groups you have been avoiding. Gradually move up the hierarchy.
Stop trying so hard to compensate for your perceived areas of undesirability.
The first thing to do is to remember. Let the memories come of yourself as a child, feeling different or excluded by other children.
Orient yourself toward the outside world.
People with this lifetrap spend too much social time staying in their own head. They do not connect.
This is how it usually works with avoidance.
This is to hide parts of yourself.
share some of your vulnerabilities and insecurities.
It is the only way for you to find out that you are acceptable nevertheless.
Not only is counterattacking like this a burden, but your behavior is transparent as well.
Replace the person that you pretend to be with the person you really are.
calm down, to stop trying so hard to impress people.
You can feel part of a group or the community.
Difficulty trusting your judgment is a core feature of dependence.
Alternately, you might seek the advice of one person in whom you have great confidence, and rely solely on that.
But when you confront a new situation, unless you have someone to advise you, you have to rely on your own opinions, and you do not trust those.
When you consistently act in ways designed to keep people doing things for you, you are surrendering to your lifetrap.
Escape is another way of reinforcing your lifetrap. You avoid the tasks you believe are too difficult for you.
There are certain tasks dependent people commonly avoid. These include driving, attending to financial matters,
making decisions, taking on new responsibilities, and learning ne...
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Dependent people often allow themselves to be abused, subjugated, or deprived in order to maintain the dependence. They will do almost anything to keep the person with them.
You probably accept a subordinate role in your relationships with family members, lovers, and friends.
The dark side of this lifetrap is that you feel trapped in your dependent role.
Dependence exacts a high price in terms of freedom and self-expression.
It may be that you have a combination of the Dependence and Entitlement lifetraps. In this case you get angry when people do not meet your needs.
No matter how anxious she feels, she forces herself to face things alone. This tendency to go to the other extreme—to act as though she does not need anybody for anything—is called counterdependence, and is a strong indication of the presence of the Dependence lifetrap.
Counterdependent people refuse to turn to others for help, even when it is reasonable to do so.
They often give love, but not the
specific kind of support and freedom that is necessary for a child to become independent.
Often the Dependence and Subjugation lifetraps go together. Subjugation is an effective way to keep a person dependent.
The parent who is overprotective is often overcontrolling.
If you have no sense of self, you are totally dependent. There is an emptiness inside, and the only way to fill it is to rely on someone else, someone who has a sense of self.
You have managed to prolong your dependence into your adult life. You have few responsibilities, few worries, few challenges. Although this may seem to be a satisfactory arrangement for you, it is time for you to consider the price you pay to maintain your dependence. It costs you your will, your freedom, and your pride. It costs you your very self.
You ignore the part of you that wants a little healthy dependence, that just wants to stop coping for a while and rest.
In addition, it is important to do a lot of planning before you actually attempt an item, even an easy one. We want you to be ready.
You need to tolerate the anxiety of functioning alone.
“It is the relationship that heals.”
Do not pick your partners foolishly.
The other aspect of changing your lifetrap is gaining control over how much you take on in life. We want you to regulate how much you take on at home, at work, in the community, and with friends.
Give up the exhausting struggle to get people to take care of you.
Learn to believe in your own ability to cope by mastering the tasks of life.
You are unrealistically worried about going broke. This leads you to be unnecessarily tight with money and unwilling to make any financial or career changes. You are preoccupied with keeping what you have at the expense of new investments or projects. You cannot take risks.
You can never be reassured enough. It is a bottomless pit.
You are only drawn to the most attractive and desirable partners, even when it is obvious that you will not be able to attain them.
Are you defensive about criticism? Do you devalue the people you love? Do you overemphasize status or success? Do you try to impress people? Do you ask for reassurance incessantly?
success never touches his core feeling of defectiveness. It just provides temporary relief.
Similarly, if you are always running away from your feelings of defectiveness—if you are always drinking, avoiding close relationships, or hiding your real thoughts and feelings—your lifetrap cannot change. Your feelings of defectiveness remain frozen.
