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We made an agreement that he would stop trying to escape in these ways for one month. We want you to do the same. We want you to stop engaging in patterns that keep you from facing your feelings of defectiveness.
when you allow yourself to be mistreated because you believe you do not deserve anything better.
Try to maintain hope throughout this process by reminding yourself that acknowledging these feelings is the first step toward overcoming a problem that is bringing you great unhappiness.
We want you to get a more objective view of yourself. The view you have now is not objective. It is biased against you. Your cognitive style is to exaggerate your flaws and discount your positive features.
she came across as too eager and too insecure. We could confirm this as well, based on her relationship with us. But, all of these behaviors are lifetrap-driven.
like every habit, the way to stop is to catch yourself, and to stop yourself every time.
there is also the vulnerable child inside, who wants love, acceptance, approval, and validation.
“You are only as sick as your worst secret.”
Be careful not to go too far in the other direction. Try to accept occasional criticism that is not demeaning. Recognize the difference between fair criticism and excessive or unreasonable criticism.
It is going to be almost impossible for you to heal the Defectiveness lifetrap without ending unhealthy relationships.
It is too difficult to fight this lifetrap when the people closest to you are continually reinforcing it.
Some patients continue as adults to live or work with the critical or unloving parents who were responsible for the lifetrap developing in the first place. We have found this to be extremely destructive to the change process, and strongly advise you not to continue such close contact with a critical parent.
At some level you feel guilty about what you have done to your spouse or children. Resist getting lost in that guilt. The important thing is to change now.
How quickly you can change your Defectiveness lifetrap depends in part on how punitive your parent was.
You may need help from a therapist. Get help if you need it; there is no shame involved in getting help to treat your problem.
Changing your lifetrap involves gradually improving how you treat yourself, how you treat others, and how you allow others to treat you.
it is an incremental process.
Patients gradually feel better about themselves. They become less defensive and more able to take in love. They feel closer to people. They feel more valued and more loved.
Once you can open yourself up to the idea that your defectiveness is not a fact, the healing process can begin to work.
People think I’m doing well. But still I feel worried constantly. It’s like I’m an approval junkie. If my boss tells me I did a great job, I’m on cloud nine, but if he makes one tiny correction I start worrying that he doesn’t like me anymore, he’s gonna fire me.
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Most of the people with this lifetrap are more like Kathleen than Brian.
With the Failure lifetrap, the degree to which you use Escape as a coping style is often massive. People avoid developing skills, tackling new tasks, taking on responsibility—all the challenges that might enable them to succeed. Often the attitude is, “What’s the use?” You feel there is no point in making the effort when you are doomed to fail anyway. Your avoidance may be subtle. You may appear to tackle your work but still do things to avoid. You procrastinate, you get distracted, you do the work improperly, or you mishandle the tasks you take on. These are all forms of self-sabotage.
Many of these patterns boil down to the issue of Escape: you avoid taking the steps necessary to advance yourself.
We need an accurate picture to see whether you have been capitalizing on your own talents. We believe that the people who are most successful are those who can find their natural talents and capitalize on them.
Try to see what your pattern has been in your career. Have you chosen an impossible career? Have you failed to commit to one career? Are you in a career that vastly underutilizes your potential? Have you been afraid to take responsibility, show initiative, or ask for a promotion? Have you procrastinated, shown a poor attitude, performed poorly at jobs? Have you avoided the discipline necessary to develop skills, get credentials, or receive adequate training?
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the only person you do not feel obliged to please—is yourself.
It
is what the other person wants that...
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Rather than an actor, you are a reactor.
Your subjugation lowers your self-esteem.
We hear this argument often from subjugated patients: that they do not fight for what they want because their desires seem so trivial. But in the end, when you add all the trivial desires together, you are left with a life in which few of your needs are met.
Unexpressed anger is another clue that you are subjugated rather than easygoing.
You might adopt other people’s goals and opinions as your own.
TWO TYPES OF SUBJUGATION 1. Self-Sacrifice (subjugation out of guilt) 2. Submissiveness (subjugation out of fear)
Rebels are not actually any more free than other subjugated people.
DANGER SIGNALS IN POTENTIAL PARTNERS
1. Your partner is domineering and expects to have things his/her way.
Your partner becomes irritated or angry when you disagree or attend to your own needs. 4. Your partner does not respect your opinions, needs, or rights. 5. Your partner pouts or pulls away from you when you do things your way. 6. Your partner is easily hurt or upset, so you feel you have to take care of him/her.
Your partner is very needy and dependent on you.
You let other people have their own way most of the time.
You do not like to disagree openly with other people’s opinions.
You are more comfortable when other people are in positions of control. 5. You will do almost anything to avoid confrontation or anger. You always accommodate. 6. You do not know what you want or prefer in many situations. 7. You are not clear about your career decisions. 8. You always end up taking care of everyone else—almost no one listens to or takes care of you.
You cannot stand to say or do anything that hurts other people’s feelings.
You often stay in situations where you feel trapped or where your needs are not met.
You do not want other people to see you as selfish so you go to the other extreme. 13. You often sacrifice yourself for the sake of other people. 14. You often take on more than your share of responsibilities at home and/or at work. 15. When other people are troubled or in pain, you try very hard to make them feel better, even at your own expense. 16. You often feel angry at other people for telling you what to do. 17. You often feel cheated—that you are giving more than you are getting back. 18. You feel guilty when you ask for what you want. 19. You do not stand up for your rights. 20. You
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These are pitfalls for you to avoid in love and work. Even if you find a partner who wants a relationship based on equality, you may stil...
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After a period of years, your anger may build up to such a point that you rebel, completely upsetting the balance of the relationship, or you may withdraw or retaliate.
If you become more assertive and no longer willing to stay in a subjugated relationship, your relationship must either change to adapt to your greater maturity or it must end.
