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After doing years of a technique called Embarrassment Inoculation, I’ve found I actually relish the experience of embarrassment. Embarrassment Inoculation is a method of eliminating your fear of what other people think of you by intentionally doing things that embarrass you. These might include lying down on a busy sidewalk, dancing on a street corner, or trying to order a pizza at Baskin Robbins ice cream shop. You do things that will draw attention, and will draw judgment. On purpose. And by doing so, you discover that it’s no big deal and you can handle whatever happens.
time to break free.
The Plan
Remember, this is the three-step process for eliminating excessive niceness and becoming a more authentic, confident version of you: 1. Decide to be not nice. 2. Do the not nice stuff that makes
you scared and uncomfortable. 3. Work through the internal backlash (guilt, anxiety, doubt, fear) afterwards.
I don’t need your approval.
Say it silently in your mind right now. Repeat it before any social interaction. Repeat it while you’re sitting in a meeting at work, or interacting with your boss or a customer.
If you feel ready for it, simply tell the person at the next opportunity, “It’s been great talking with you, Bob. I’m going to head over to the lounge area for a bit. I’ll catch you later.”
Day 9 – Endure Disapproval Today you are going to get some disapproval. Ack! That’s bad! Fortunately,
Find a quiet place to sit where you won’t be disturbed for fifteen minutes. Then, think of someone you know and like. Someone who you want to like you. Close your eyes and imagine them disapproving of you for something you did or failed to do. Preferably pick something you actually want to do, not just some random offensive thing. For example, let’s say you get terrified about being late for meetings with your boss. Whenever you’re late you have a mini panic attack and spend your commute freaking out about how bad it will be. In that case, imagine being late for a meeting and your boss
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Simply imagine yourself going through with it, and let yourself see in your mind’s eye their disapproval. Then, bring your attention to your body, right into the part that’s most tense, tight, or constricted. It might be your chest, throat, stomach, or forehead. Maybe your shoulders hunch up and your jaw clenches. Wherever you feel tension, let your attention rest there. Then breathe, notice, and feel. Stay out of your mind and in your body. You are simply increasing your capacity to tolerate this kind of discomfort. You don’t need to make it go away, or solve anything. You are just hanging
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shower.
Day 11 – Disagreement Lite Today you are going to pay close attention in your interactions with others and notice one thing: When you disagree.
When you notice when you disagree, simply take note of it. This is Disagreement Lite, so you don’t actually have to say anything. We’re just building your awareness about what you actually think, feel, and perceive.
Day 12 – Ask for Something For Free Today is another fun one. Go somewhere, such as a food cart, sandwich shop, or other establishment and
warmly ask for something for free. “Excuse me, can I get have this bottle of water?” “Can I ge...
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Notice your fear about asking before you ask. Notice their response. Notice your internal reactions to their response...
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Day 13 – Ask for What You Want Find an opportunity today to specifically ask for something you want. Not, “Will you pass the salt, please?”
Pick something that is edgy or uncomfortable and ask for it.
your coworkers are going out to lunch, ask if one of them can bring you takeout from the restaurant when they come back. Better yet, ask if you can join them. Ask your spouse to listen as you share about something you’re proud of or excited about. Ask your friend to give you back the item she borrowed.
Think about it for a minute and you’ll know what the thing is. If it’s a little (or a lot) uncomfortable to ask for, you know you’re on the right track.
Day 14 – Share Something, ...
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Today you are going to look for an opportunity to share something, without having been explicitly asked. This can be in any conversation, with colleagues, friends, or family. You’re going to brea...
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When you see your colleague, tell them about the improv comedy class you joined. When you see your friend, tell them about the hilarious movie you watched a week ago. When you see your spouse, share something you found ...
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Day 15 – Disagreement for Reals You know what’s coming here.
Today you are going to notice when you disagree with something that someone says, just like you did a few days ago. But today you are going to actually say something. If you’d like, you can review the many different ways to disagree, starting on page 277.
But trying too hard to get i...
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make it perfect are often signs of trying to minimize discomfort. Instead, go for it. Let it be a little awkward, or messy. Also, pay close attention to how they react. You might be...
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Day 16 – Disagreement Max
Today you are going to disagree again, but this time you are going to casually throw the actual word “disagree” in there. You don’t need to make a big deal about it, or bend the other person to your will or anything. You are simply using that word on purpose to show the scared, nice part of you that it’s no big deal,
and that you can handle...
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If someone’s sharing something and you disagree, you can simply say, “Interesting. I disagree. I think the most important thing to focus on would be blah blah blah.” Be sure to throw the actual word “disagree” in there. It might seem trivial, ...
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Day 17 – I Am the Owner Today you are going to see yourself as the owner of your life. Remind yourself throughout the day: I am the owner of my life. I create what happens to me. I always have choice.
In addition, let yourself see everyone you meet as the owner of their life as well. Give them that gift and the dignity of seeing them as a powerful creator.
They have power, freedom, and choice. Even if th...
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helpless, remind yourself to see them as the owner of their life, the captain of their ship, and the master of their destiny. Day 18 – Certainty Rant Sometime today, perhaps on your car ride to work or in the morning, go on a two minute certainty rant. To review this technique, refer to page 252. Pu...
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Day 19 – Say No Today The title says it all here. Find one opportunity to say “no” to someone today. Don’t wait for the perfect moment, or figure out how to say it in the best possible way. Just do it. Remind yourself that the ability to say “no” is a muscle that grows stronger with frequent use.
Day 20 – Interrupt Someone
Find an opportunity today to casually interrupt someone.
Day 21 – Approach Authority
Actively move towards someone who you view as an authority. Likely targets can be your supervisor, boss, or boss’s boss at work. In the past you may have had a bad habit of avoiding these kinds of people and turning the other way. Not today!
Today you are going to seek them out and initiate a brief conversation. It can be totally casual, as y...
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It doesn’t matter what you say. The important thing is to approach them.
As you do so, remind yourself that they are just a person. Think of them using their first name, not their title. Remember, they were a kid once, and they have pains and fears and experience self-doubt too. Also remember that despite their status, you are the source of approval.
Day 22 – Say “No” Again
This time, take it a little further and offer no with no explanation at all. Simply smile and say, “No, thanks.” If the situation warrants an explanation, check your nice-person programming; it might not.
Day 23 – Have the Conversation You’ve Been Avoiding
Day 24 – Commit to Take Care Of Yourself Decide today that you are going to take care of yourself.
This means you are going to ask yourself what you want and need in different situations and really listen to the response.
If a situation is unpleasant or unhealthy, you take care of yourself by speaking up, or getting out of there.
