Not Nice: Stop People Pleasing, Staying Silent, & Feeling Guilty... And Start Speaking Up, Saying No, Asking Boldly, And Unapologetically Being Yourself

by Aziz Gazipura

For a condensed and highly accessible review of how Attachment Theory works and impacts adult relationships, I recommend Amir Levine and Rachel Heller’s book, Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find – and Keep – Love. To go deeper, you can look up articles by John Bowlby, who is the psychologist who pioneered the field of Attachment Theory.

Start looking inward in all settings–at work, in meetings, while speaking with your boss, with your spouse, your friends, and your parents. Ask yourself, “What do I think about this? What’s my opinion? What’s my perspective? How do I see the situation?” You don’t have to even voice this at first. You just have to assess where you stand internally. Notice if you agree with what someone is saying, or disagree. If you disagree internally, don’t immediately push that away with rationalizing and telling yourself to be more flexible and open-minded. Instead, honor that difference. Let yourself think: Hmm, I don’t know about that. Again, for now, you don’t need to worry about speaking up, what to say, and

how to disagree in conversations. We’ll

cover all of that in ...

“How could you say something like that to me?!” This is a defensive maneuver that is designed to shut down any sort of scary or uncomfortable conversations. Nine times out of ten it will work in the short term, especially if the person bringing up the complaint is nice.

You are not responsible for other people’s feelings. Take a moment to sit with that one. Breathe in and out. Re-read it several times. Try the personal version out: I am not responsible for other people’s feelings.

The Six Human Needs

read Tony Robbins’ book: Awaken The Giant Within. You

It just helps distinguish between being moved by another’s suffering, and taking that suffering on as your own. Seeing the pain and desiring to help alleviate it is compassion. Feeling the pain and becoming angry, sad, anxious, or upset yourself is a sign of taking on something that is not yours.

At its core, the excessive need for approval is a boundary problem. Mine and yours is not clearly defined. Thus, your opinion becomes my opinion. You think my shoes look stupid? Now I think my shoes look stupid.

If you’re enjoying your connection with someone, initiate further contact by saying something like: “This is great. I like talking with you about this. We should get lunch some time.”

Then, get their number and text them to schedule that lunch. If they’re busy, wait a little bit and reach out again. And again. After three times or so, if you’re getting very little response, you can move on, but most people don’t even make the initial attempt. We

Reach out in a playful way, a different way, and random way. Leave them a funny voicemail or tease them a bit via text. Remind them of the value of human connection and invite them out again. Do this enough times with enough people and you will have more friends, business connections, clients, and dates than you know what to do with.

Would you immediately jump in and say, “Dude! You are not going to believe what just happened!” Most

a colleague at work asks you, “Hey, how’s it going?” Instead of, “Good. And you?” You can

say something like, “I’m doing good. I just got back from the mountain yesterday. There is so much snow up there. It’s crazy!”

Or, if you didn’t have any big adventures the day before, you can simply share something from your life. “I’m doing fine. I talked with my brother last night. He met a guy at a party who was really into the topic of c...

so you can consistently take action in the face of fear, I recommend reading my book, The Art of Extraordinary Confidence, or exploring my interactive confidence training program, Confidence Unleashed (ConfidenceUnleashedNow.com).

While it’s most essential in your career, developing these two skills will serve you greatly in your personal life as well. Being the center of attention allows you to share a story at a dinner party, give a toast at a wedding, or approach a group of strangers to initiate a conversation. Being able to interrupt radically improves your social

experience, prevents you from getting stuck in one-sided conversations that drain you of energy, and helps you guide conversations to be more fun, engaging, or productive.

That's what you want to do. As you become less nice, and less concerned with how every single person will respond to every single thing you say, you can command the center of attention more easily.

Make a mini-project out of studying how people hold court. Notice it at work, and any time you see it on TV, at a party, or anywhere else in the world. Watch the person’s face, their body language, and listen to their tone.

Then mimic that in your own life until it becomes familiar and a part of who you are.

As soon as someone jumps in to speak over you, raise your volume just slightly and keep going. If needed, gently raise your hand slightly, palm out, and say, “Hold on a second, Jim, let me finish my point.” Then keep going without hesitation and finish your point. No apology, no hesitation, no niceness. Just you owning the floor while respecting both yourself and others.

If the same person continues to interrupt you it can be helpful to call out the pattern. Some people would approach the person one-on-one, but I would call it out right when it's

happening. “I notice you have been speaking up as I'm speaking, Jim. It seems like you're eager to share your perspective, yet I haven't finished mine. My preference would be to give each person space to finish their point, then to have a disc...

Below you’ll discover a clear 7-step approach you can take to handle any difficult conversation.

Step 1: I Don’t Like It.

Step 2: What Do I Want?

Step 3: I Noticed…

“I noticed that you share a lot of the details of your remodel with me…” “I noticed that you like to put paper bags in that drawer…” “I noticed you scheduled eight appointments for Barry this week and only 3 appointments for me.”

directly in a curious and neutral way. Using the phrase “I notice” removes an accusatory tone and allows the other person to be more receptive. Notice how all the examples above are very specific, and devoid of interpretation or judgment.

Step 4: Reflect

“So, you were just scheduling people as they came in, with whatever times worked best for them. And you weren’t paying much attention about if it was with me or with Barry. Is that right?” Notice the “is that right?” at the end of several of these examples. That is a simple, yet very powerful question to ask.

Step 5: Impact

Step 6: Desire

Step 7: Powerful Agreement

“I would prefer it if you responded to emails within 24 business hours.

want more communication in our team, as it helps me know what is going on and feel more connected. Is that something you would be able to do?” Then, even if they said yes, I would ask more questions. “Does that feel too fast for you?” “Is there any reason why you wouldn’t be able to do that?”

The purpose here would be to flush out any hidden resistance or challenges that might get in the way of them following through with the agreement. As you become less nice and a more bold, authentic, powerful leader in your life you will start to see just how many other people ...

When directly disagreeing, there are several important factors. First and foremost, what is your objective? What is the outcome you want? Is it to influence a team’s decision? Is it to make sure something happens in your company, or your life? Or is it about

speaking up against something you don’t like, such as racism or a narrow-minded philosophy? Is your goal to make sure they see that they’re wrong and you’re right? When disagreeing, it’s very easy to get sucked into this last arena and have it turn into a battle to win the “I am right” medal. This rarely works, as most people will never admit they’re wrong or rapidly change their viewpoint. Instead, it can be much more empowering and mutually beneficial to have a “side by side” mindset when it comes to differing views. Instead of “I’m right and my ideas are above yours,” or vice versa, our ideas are side by side. My perspective and opinion is over here and look like this. Yours is over there and looks like that. And they are different.

When you eliminate the need to convince the other person they’re wrong, you instantl...

and persuasive. If you are disagreeing with someone to influence a decision-maker who’s listening, your impact will rise exponentially. You can focus on the outcome and the needs of ...

When disagreeing directly, it is essential to be powerful and congruent in your communication. Now is not the time to smile, use softeners and qualifiers, and pull out other people pleasing maneuvers. Now is the time to sound clear, be an authority, and look people in the eye. It’s OK to be nervous or have your heart rate increase. That is normal and expected if it gets tense or the stakes are high. Your goal is to...

Information Gathering There is one more kind of disagreement that is valuable, especially in situations where you’re dealing with someone who is in a senior position. They might hold some authority over you due to job title, years of experience, and so on. Instead of coming in swinging, it can be more effective to begin your disagreement by simply asking questions about the process or decision in under scrutiny. As you do this, the flaws in their thinking or concerns they’ve overlooked can become obvious.

Here’s an example to illustrate. Let’s say you’re in a meeting with your boss, who was advised by the director of marketing to use a particular strategy. You don’t think it’s a very good strategy, and you also know it will cause logistical problems. You could say that

directly, but if your boss is sold on the idea, he may simply dismiss your perspective and order you to proceed. Here’s how you might use information gathering to challenge the plan: Boss: So we’ll go with Todd’s marketing strategy. I need you to tell your team about it and map out the plan to execute it with Amar (the sales manager). You: Got it. Can I ask yo...

Boss: The initial plan is for 6 months. That’s enough time to begin evaluating results, and we can decide to expand it, keep it, or kill it. You: Sounds good. And what is the metric for success? What amount of return would tell us it’s going well? Boss: Hmm. An increase in sales by 5% would b...

the creation and management of all the promotional materials? Boss: What about it? You: Well to do Todd’s strategy we would need two people on my team dedicated to creating and managing all the materials. And I’m guessing Amar would need to increase sales calls and hire another rep, right? Boss: Hmm. You: I’m curious about what sales a...