Not Nice: Stop People Pleasing, Staying Silent, & Feeling Guilty... And Start Speaking Up, Saying No, Asking Boldly, And Unapologetically Being Yourself

by Aziz Gazipura

At this point, you can more directly discuss your concerns, or keep asking questions that highlight the flaws in the plan. This method of disagreeing is useful in larger meetings, when speaking with authority figures, or eve...

at first you have some concerns and disagree with the approach. If you gather information and it clarifies things and gives you a sense of certainty that the plan is good, you may change your mind. If you ask the tough questions and you see that the other person has not thought everything through, you have opened a door to express your opinion.

the group, like you just don’t really fit in. These are just a few of

Hell Yes or Hell No “Anything less than a hell yes is a hell no.” - Rich Litvin The choice is yours. You can choose to avoid the Creeping Dread and carry out a series of obligation-based relationships, all the while feeling more drained, dissatisfied, and resentful. Or, you can choose to give yourself permission to say no. Not because it was allowed, or because everyone else would agree, but simply because you wanted to.

One of my teachers who’ve I’m mentioned before, Rich Litvin, taught me about the idea of “hell yes” or “hell no.” He was sharing this when it came to working with clients. He wanted both his clients and himself to be a “hell yes” on working together. If they felt ambivalent about it, or if he didn’t feel fully on board, then it wasn’t a hell yes, and so he would not work with them.

5 Tips for Saying No Like a No-Master

Below you will find 5 key tips to help you say no less like a noob and more like a practiced master. 1. No Is a Complete Sentence

The first tip to being more of a master is to avoid over-explaining. Short is good. You

can convey kindness in other ways, as you’ll see below. But explaining too much makes you come

across as anxious and unsure, as if you’re doing something wrong. Instead, simply say no thank you. Or, if you want to offer a reason, keep it brief. No-Noob: I’m sorry, I can’t make it. I would love to normally, but I have to pick up my dog that afternoon and I have a report due the following day. I wouldn’t be able to get everything done in time. It’s been a crazy week. Sorry : ) No-Master: Thanks for the invite. Unfort...

We’ll discuss unnecessary apologies in an upcoming chapter, but for now, watch out for apologizing as you say no to someone. Again, it makes

it sound like you’ve done something wrong. But you haven’t.

“I’m sorry, I like yellow socks.” Would you apologize for that? Notice how in the example above, the No-Noob apologizes twice in one simple message. The No-Master does no such thing. She does say “unfortunately,” which conveys that she is disappointed to not join in because it sounds like fun.

3. Make It About You Sometimes, further information or an explanation is needed. For example, if a friend invites you to do something,

and you know that you don’t want to do that activity, it can be helpful to let them know. Otherwise, they will keep asking you to do it, and you will keep saying no, which can create a sense of rejection.

“You can say anything, if you say it in the right way.” I use that as a reminder when I want to say no, or ask for what I want, and I feel like it’s “wrong” or “inappropriate.”

In this instance, the choice to attend less about her, instead of about them, is a much more skillful way to communicate her desire. Instead of saying, “I don’t want to spend the entire weekend with you guys, it drives me nuts,” she might opt for something focused more on herself that is more vulnerable and real. She could say “Thanks for the invite! I love spending time with you and the others. I noticed the last

time I went that I really need more alone time on the weekends to recharge. So, here’s what I’d like to do. I’d like to come up there Saturday morning, spend the day with you all, and then drive b...

Also, notice how she doesn’t check at the end, “Is that OK with you?” She

“Hi, Jessica…” she began, hesitating a little, “I’m looking forward to seeing you this coming weekend. Thanks for inviting me. I wanted to tell you ahead of time that I plan on just coming for Saturday. I love spending time with you all, but I find that I get filled up socially quickly. I really need my alone time to recharge on the weekend, so I can do that on Sunday. How does that sound?”

Warmth & Appreciation This approach helps you stay connected with the other person as you say no.

Say No Early

But instead of saying no right away, because that might seem offensive or dismissive, and it’s your job to take care of everyone’s feelings after all, you say, “Hmm, maybe. Let me check my calendar and get back to you.” Now you have this future no hanging over you. It becomes a bigger deal, and something uncomfortable you want to avoid. In addition, it leaves the other people involved hanging with a loose end, unsure where you stand. It’s not good for you or them. Instead, say no early. Say no instantly. “Hey,

“The three of us are getting together after the conference to get a bite to eat. I’d love to catch up with you. Want to join us?” “Oh, thanks. Catching up sounds really good, and I’d love to do that. This evening won’t work though, I’m planning on running and then having some down time. Want to do breakfast on Sunday?”

Upset in Others

Do you spend a great deal of time worried that someone might get upset with you? Does it cause background anxiety when you’re on your way to work, or going to the gym?

Let’s look at three specific techniques you can use today to handle the discomfort of someone being upset with you. These tools will give you confidence that you can deal with the situation when it arises, and help you let go of the chronic fear of it happening in the future.

Disarm

There are two elements to disarming someone who’s upset: empathy and agreeing with them.

First, when someone is upset, they

want to be heard. They want to be seen, acknowledged, and validated.

Them: I’m sad about you not being with us today. I feel hurt that you’d rather spend time with your friends than be with me and Mom and Dad. It’s so rare that they come into town. You: SHUT UP! (run crying out of the kitchen) No, that’s probably unlikely. But, the impulse here is to defend yourself, isn’t it? You: It’s only for this afternoon. We went out to dinner last night and then I’ll be spending the day with everyone on Sunday.

If anything, it will intensify the other person’s upset, because

they won’t feel heard, acknowledged, or validated. Thus, they might come back with more intensity to convey their point, which in turn creates more defensiveness. Then the rest of the weekend sucks for everybody.

Sometimes people don’t actually do this, and instead they speak in code. You have to infer what their underlying feelings are. Once you do, you simply acknowledge that they’re feeling that way. Them: I’m sad about you not being with us today. I feel hurt that you’d rather spend time with your friends than be with me and Mom and Dad. It’s so rare that they come into town. You: I’m sorry you’re feeling sad,

sweetie. I get it. You were hoping that we’d all spend the afternoon together, and you’re feeling hurt that I’m choosing to spend time with Landon and Ben. It feels like I’m choosing them over you. That’s it. No apology, no defense. Just a simple reflection of what they must be feeling like, described with empathy and love.

If your tone is dismissive or subtly mocking them for having so many feelings, then it won’t work very well, and they’ll most likely shut down, or defend their feelings.

The key here is to really empathize with their situation. This only becomes possible when you’re not overwhelmed with guilt and pain every time you act in your own healthy self-interest. If you haven’t worked

through that, then it will be almost impossible to not defend yourself, because on some level you feel shame and a...

Another element of disarming someone is to find something to agree with in what they’re saying. You: I know Mom and Dad come into town only once in a while; it’s true. You: I get it. I imagine I would feel upset if it were the other way around. I’d want you to want nothing more than to...

The Acceptance Paradox The most powerful way to handle any upset or criticism is to simply accept a piece of it as true. This is often the last thing we want to do because when someone is upset they might be stating or implying that we’re bad, hurtful, selfish, or otherwise no good.

Even

if they don’t think this, we might start to feel that way, and then nee...

And yet, if we can agree with some aspect of the criticism, without agreeing that we’re a bad person, we neutralize the conflict and boost our self-esteem. We acknowledge that we’re human, and let go of the need to be perfect. As humans, sometimes we say the wrong thing, are insensitive, focu...

To gain skill with this technique, I recommend you write out some of the criticisms you fear. Then, practice simply accepting a piece of each one. Let me demonstrate. Here are a few criticisms that come to my mind. The first three I’ve received from others. The last one has come solely from my own

inner critic. Criticism: You don’t really care about helping people. You are greedy and just want to take their money. (I get this one about once per month, usually from someone I’ve never met via email). Response: It’s true, sometimes I don’t care about helping people. Sometimes I’m focused on myself and not really thinking about all the people in the world who are suffering in different ways and need help. Criticism: Your YouTube videos are too focused on helping men, you don’t care about women. Response: Yeah, a lot of my videos, especially my early ones, were geared specifically towards men. I didn’t directly address women in those videos.

Criticism: Your books are total garbage. Long-winded, no value in them at all. Response: Ha, they definitely are long! I...

not for everybody. Some people really do...

if you simply accept the grain of truth, without taking on the implication that you’re bad, you can feel a deep sense of freedom and relief. The Peace Process

High Quality Discomfort As you build your capacity to tolerate discomfort, more and more possibilities will open up in your life. In fact, the pathway out of Extra Niceville and into being your most powerful, authentic self requires discomfort tolerance. Here are just a few of the things we’ve discussed in this book along that pathway: Saying no Asking directly for what you want Being assertive Having disagreement or conflict with another (and approaching it directly) Speaking up for yourself Taking care of yourself Acting in your healthy self-interest (instead of self-sacrificing)