The Variant Saga Boxed Set (The Variant Saga, #1-4)

by J.N. Chaney

“I will not. You let me out of here.

She said with seemingly no emotion? Jesus dude, at least use exclamation points!

but the hindrance slowed them down significantly.

And I quote, "Terry, Jinel, and Lena made their way through the tunnels beneath Everlasting with little hindrance."

had it replaced

Replaced it

It is a truth that will never change.

Awkward phrasing

brought out into

Climbed back up into the world and all its dangers, maybe?

could direct their path with some proficiency.

"with some proficiency?" Ugh.

could take.

Could take in

presented her with a wide grin.

Gave her a wide grin

smooth or clean.

Smooth and clean

from the western shore.

shore question mark

I do!”

No one was disputing that

“I’m here, captain!”

Unnecessary dialog

both the Citadel as well as the

The citadel COMMA

military forces

Forces COMMA

“One of Garden’s top agents has left the city and is attempting to procure a specific resource to use against our forces. I believe this to be a metal known as orinchalium. If secured, Garden could use it to bolster their offensive capabilities, potentially crippling Everlasting’s defenses.”

Ok, this is dumb. Gel KNOWS Terry and Lena are with them, right? And that John knows them both, right? So WHY would he give them the opportunity to meet? It's not believable.

You are also not to keep her conscious.

You are also to keep her unconscious

The DNA appears to have multiple unique molecules within itself,

What?

Perhaps there was more to the world than he first believed.

Hasn't he been thinking this exact same thing since he set out with Ludo from to find Ysa?

He hoped to never find out.

That would mean he wouldn't have the opportunity, which isn't what you were trying to convey here.

Maybe in another life.

Is he aware that Plead is dead? How?

smiling that

grinning that annoying grin

She hesitated, uncertain of what to do. She couldn’t get through that many people on her own. She wasn’t John. She wasn’t strong enough for this. She took a step back. Maybe there was another way out, another path to take to escape. She just—

Oh yeah, let's take a few moments during our hectic escape to reflect on possibilities and doubts

Many

approximately sixty-two

Approximately exact figure

the molecule responsible for Variant adaptability within the alien DNA.

NOT HOW DNA WORKS

acquire the supply.

Acquire the supply? How poetic

Houses? Rotations? It seemed so complicated

Is Terry an idiot?

placed at your feet.

Placed in your hands

smacked his chest as they approached a pair of guards.

I thought this gesture indicated affirmation

The visage

Visage is not the right word here

“Delicious!” declared Hux.

I've never heard anyone say "delicious" in this context

“The fifth house

Ok, I know there are six houses, but do you really refer to them by number rather than name?

A dead foreigner would look most distressing to traders.”

How would they know? Plus isn't the fact that your world-famous mines are shut down likely to be more distressing to traders?

Garden had eyes almost everywhere, including in his own department.

How does this square up with his assertion that they're basically paranoid schizophrenics? They're awfully high functioning ones, then.

Time he could have used to find her.

But according to what he knows that's what he's doing. Finding her.

an eager expression.

... on his face?

“Rightly so.”

Wouldn't "exactly right" be better here? It sounds like he's saying "just as it should be" which is odd

JUNE: All…is for the good of Everlasting…All is for the good of Everlasting…All is for the good of Everlasting…All is for the good of—

Burning your best mole before success is even assured? Gel really is an idiot.

to evade.

To evade her

tall and wide,

USE BETTER ADJECTIVES

known task.

Unknown task

flashed a sudden

Flashed with

was stifling.

Was overwhelming

with its full force.

With ferocious speed

ripping a piece of its body off.

Severing a chunk from the larger mass

but only barely.

If just barely. Don't use two 'buts' in a row

He had to end this quickly or he wouldn’t last much longer.

Amazing how Terry has this exact thought in every fight he gets into

like a spider.

Like a demonic spider

beneath

Between

the chall...

The monstrosity