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Kindle Notes & Highlights
by
J.N. Chaney
Read between
July 3 - July 11, 2017
try to disarm.
Disarm her
He slid the edge of his sword along her stomach, splitting her open like a fish, guts pouring out.
Good job disarming her
believing as much.
Hoping as much
Were it so easy.
Would it were so easy
feigning to hit her in the stomach.
Feigning a blow to her stomach
“Almost there,” said Zika.
"Said Zika in the middle of a fight to the death. Again, flavorless. "Whispered Zika" would add something nice here
reached at Zika’s eyes.
Reached at?
Pressing her fingers into the woman’s sockets, Ysa made the
Come on man, add some STYLE to the action! You're just blandly describing actions here using the most boring language imaginable. "Ysa dug her thumbnails deep into the priestess's eye sockets, tearing a scream from Zika's throat."
spurting red mist into the air.
A red mist spraying from the wound
As tall as the wall itself, it stood, lording above.
Looming above. Also, rework this whole sentence. I get what you're trying for but the phrasing is awkward
with various designs across
If you aren't going to go into detail on any of them then just leave this detail out
burying her entire body like a worm into the earth.
Worms eat their way head first through the dirt
crushed into a thousand pieces.
Is she made of porcelain?
tensed, all the feeling in his limbs draining out of him.
Contradictory. Also, the feeling in his limbs drained out of THEM, not HIM
He went completely limp over the next several seconds
Gotta be a better way to say this
rolling a few meters
Rolling helplessly for a few meters
“KEE KEE KEE!”
This is seriously just not an intimidating or impressive cry. It's like a bird call
“Even after the bodies are stacked, and the dust is settled and the rubble is cleared…even when you’ve wiped it all away, you’ve still got blood on your hands, and half the world’s still dead…and then it comes again.”
This really doesn't sound like Terry. It's like the noir version of Terry
god in Heaven's
God on heaven's throne
Other than that this intro is pretty good. Definitely a step up in painting a picture.
by some creature.
Give us an adjective here
“What are you talking about?” she asked.
Pretty sure she's not that dense
John chuckled so much
Just say "laughed so hard his face turned red," man. Who the hell just continually "chuckles" until their cheeks turn red?
“However, the mission was a success.
Giving everyone a shot is a "mission?" Wow, low bar.
hoping to begin?”
You're talking back into stilted dialog here. Try to think about how you might actually say this, like: "when were you hoping to get started?"
get dressed, groom himself,
Good way to get whiskers in your clothes
discuss topics of interest.
Dude. C'mon. Think of a more natural way to convey the same idea.
about a variety of subjects,
about anything and everything
“But if you do it again, I’ll have you confined.
It really doesn't make any sense that Jinel is so distrusting considering how similar her and Lena's situations are
“Don’t speak to me of cost. If we believe there is a chance to cripple them, we have no choice but to take it. Hob, keep your analysts on this and let me know of further developments. Vivia and I will begin preparations.”
It makes little sense that Jinel has this much authority considering how recently she joined garden
Choices
“We’re not kids,” said Bart.
I don't know if you're trying to make Bart unlikable, but if you are, you're doing a good job
Lena responded with a series of nods and smiles.
You can leave out "a series of" here. "Lena responded with nods and smiles."
in his vow
in his effort
she was falling in a plane,
She was in free-fall
tagged in the stomach.
You don't get "tagged" in the stomach. You get shot in the stomach. "Tagged" indicates a flesh wound, which does not include being gut shot.
clean through.”
Again, not something you'd say about a gut shot
you people
Your people
near the outer door. Their faces filled confusion and fear.
Near the outer door COMMA, their faces filled WITH confusion and fear
nearby supply,
Supplies
was lucky
Had been lucky
“There’s another location, if you’ll recall,”
This sounds rather snarky for the situation
then he could
Then he might be able to help us
the analyst Hob
Just "analyst hob." It's a title as well as a job.
stolen from me.
My, awfully possessive, isn't she? Stolen from us.
throbbed in pain,
Throbbed with pain
so much it
So much so that it hurt
And she slept.
Just "She slept."
“Just give me a direction to point my gun.
Just point me in the right direction
who can’t even fight.
With no one to fight
in a pool
In pools
