The Variant Saga Boxed Set (The Variant Saga, #1-4)

by J.N. Chaney

Containerized Housing Unit

Not a word. Try "compact" or "capsular" if you need a 'c' word

All of them culminated into a fresh aroma, inciting his stomach to growl.

Just another version of "causing x to y." You really can just say "making his stomach growl." "Inciting his stomach to growl" is such an awkward phrase.

He was suddenly so hungry.

He was suddenly so hungry that what? Rather than using an intensifier like "so", just find a better adjective. "Abruptly he realized that he was ravenous." or something like that.

clambering to answer.

"clambering" is not the word to use here, unless the person is climbing over a stack of boxes or something.

disappearing briefly underneath the farmer’s

Behind his torso, not underneath, unless he's lying on top of her

basically to hunt monsters,

"basically monster hunting" would sound more natural

He kissed her, deep, and for a while,

"and for a while?" Maybe just "long and deep," or "he kissed her, taking his time, doing a thorough job of it,..."

when it was over he felt warm.

"he felt warm all over." Just "warm" sounds kinda lame.

No one’s ever opened a hole to another world,

Ever *purposefully* opened a hole to another world

seemingly carnivorous nature.

"obviously carnivorous?" "Aggressively carnivorous?"

especially the little ones.

From all of the experience we've been shown, is think the big ones would be the ones he watches out for

no knowledge with which to guide him,

He has some knowledge. No map (which is usually what goes along with a compass) with which to guide him?

to be constructed—an

Engineered, not constructed. He wasn't built from I-beams and two-by-fours

“Can we switch to another kind of signal?”

Like what, smoke signals? Either use "frequency band" or specify the alternate, like "laser com"

“We’ll climb the western wall and hide for a few days, then return once the soldiers have moved on.” “What about the caravan?” asked Terry. “They leave in two days. We will return before that.”

You're gonna hide for "a few days" but return before the caravan leaves in two?

“Then look after your chakka-kin,”

If chakka-kin implies an outsider to their culture, then Ludo can't be chakka-kin. If you want to be able to use this term both ways, change the meaning to something like "adoptive family."

Getting caught would do them no personal harm, to be sure,

What? How do they know this? If it's because they can handle any trouble, say that instead.

just as he’d predicted.

He was supposedly watching them with his... Mind's eye, right? So it would be "as he'd seen," not "predicted."

Terry heard a tapping sound in the distance, which gave him pause.

More stilted phrasing. Not "which gave him pause." "and he paused, listening hard."

couldn’t tell if

Couldn't decide if

with thick eyebrows stretched

With thick eyebrows COMMA

he lingered

his gaze lingered

causing it to cry out.

eliciting a squeal from the beast

“There’s no reason to get involved,”

Get involved in what? Wrong phrase. "I suppose we can make an exception for the Chaldean ambassador."

With a slight chuckle,

You sure have a lot of chuckling people. With a grin?

elusive field mouse,

Elusive? Mice? If you need an adjective, try "common."

language and emotion and scientific curiosity, capable of more than instinct?

I'd argue that this is a foregone conclusion considering they did build that whole base and the portal

“Yes, sir,” she responded.

He didn't ask a question or give an order. "Of course, sir."

so I’m sure you understand.

Understand what?

Lena had met Jinel approximately one year ago,

had met Jinel about a year ago

Lena had never known someone who was murdered.

No one Lena knew had ever been murdered before

The idea that anyone could harm another citizen

would harm another citizen

not understand the importance workers like Jinel Din had?

The importance of workers like Jinel Din

“It’s faster, Little Traveler.

I know he's using "little traveler" as a title of sorts, but there's really no reason to capitalize it

The countryside had shown them no kindness,

The countryside would be a risky venture

“Wonderful!” Hux grinned, wiping the juice from his beard. “We leave in a few hours.”

Yet neither of them ask the obvious question: why Hux would offer to take them, especially as he's captain of an ambassador's ship, and likely has other duties

drinking and eating

presumably they drink and eat every day - use a phrase that differentiates their behavior. "Drinking and feasting" for example.

Hux was a trader,

Weird, I thought he was captain for the Chaldean ambassador

a breeze of salted air blew through, opening Terry’s senses.

stimulating Terry's senses?

and the water clearer the further out they went,

This isn't how water works. You could say "and the water more pristine" though

dispersing as the vessel floated by.

You're missing good opportunities to paint a picture here - "dispersing into flickering silver daggers"

Some do trades,

Some trade/some do trading/some enjoy trading

bending in the light.

Glittering in the light

The formation surprised Track,

The portal's sudden appearance surprised...

frosted crackers

Frosted cookies. Never heard of frosted crackers

“Then she’s worthless to me.”

Wow, that's pretty harsh

Track threw his hands in the air to try and grab it. He missed,

Track made an unsuccessful grab for it,

towering above like

Towering above THEM, Also that simile is a bit odd since you normally don't see clouds in the sea

so long as he was kind.

Little kids usually think in terms of "nice" rather than "kind"

and he made a stinky face.

"scrunching up his face."