The Variant Saga Boxed Set (The Variant Saga, #1-4)

by J.N. Chaney

smiled morphed into a frown.

Smile fell into a frown. Smile turned into as frown. Smile was replaced by a frown. Anything but "morphed"

“What did the lady say?”

He heard what she said. Try "What was the lady taking about?"

giving him pause.

Making him pause, or "filling him with sudden apprehension."

aboard the Red Door with quiet reservations.

Aboard the Red Door, filled with quiet reservations Aboard the Red Door, trying to ignore the misgivings swirling in the back of her mind

Emile, slightly annoyed.

Obvious impatience in her voice

Lena Sol, level-five.

She's level nine now, isn't she?

much sooner than normal.”

Much more quickly than one might expect

probably comes natural,

naturally

run a database check and search

run a database search TO check

watching as over a dozen natives collapsed onto the ground.

Uh, aren't most of them wearing breather masks?

forcing it to fall to the ground and disabling it.

Knocking it to the ground where it lay, obviously out of commission

and they were left without clue.

And they were left without clue? Good lord, man. "And all they saw from that point on was an extremely close-up view of the ground."

Somewhere in Kant

Somewhere ON Kant... At least, according to what we were told earlier, that Kant was the name of the planet

bringing a pool

Bringing a flood of salt water

“I can’t,”

I couldn't

“You expect us to teach her English by the time you get back?” asked John.

She did kinda start talking to you in English within minutes of meeting you... Or at least her computer did

“You should sit. The tide is unstable.”

Not what tide means. "You should sit down before a wave knocks you down."

which had been covered

Which was covered

slid to the rear,

Slid towards the stern

This caused the rope holding the cargo to come undone, letting them all go free.

The impact was enough to snap the rope lashing the cargo to the deck, and the motion of the deck immediately began tossing crates about.

He screamed as he fell hard and fast into the water

His scream was abruptly cut off as he was swallowed by the heaving waves

“You are a kind man.”

YOU ARE A KIND MAN. I LIKE KIND MEN. I LIKE COOKIES TOO. DO YOU LIKE COOKIES?

devouring them.

Wolfing them down with startling speed

surprising him.

Which surprised him. Man, your verb tenses are all over the place

“My cart doesn’t stop. We can travel through the night.

But you just said the animals could only travel for half a day without tiring

to try and open

To try to open

“I need you to promise me.”

I know he's not a diplomat, but this is NOT language one would EVER use in a diplomatic negotiation.

“You’ve got some good eyes on you,” remarked Plead. “We’re not far from it. You’re right.”

So, three different ways in a row to say yes

Terry debated whether to use his new sword or the knives in his pack, but opted for the larger weapon. He needed to get some practice in with it.

No one, and I mean NO ONE, HUNTS WITH A SWORD

The blade left his hand

This makes it sound like Terry threw it on purpose. Try something like "the weight of the unfamiliar blade had surprising momentum, and the handle was wrenched out of his hand"

Andur’s efforts were tame, resulting in dozens of failures and deaths,

Not sure tame is the right word here

happier than she had ever been.

Happier than he had ever seen her

What was he thinking?

What had he been thinking

nearby. I don’t know who they were. I’m telling you the truth,”

Yeah nothing sells a lie like saying "I'm telling you the truth" completely unprompted

for that garbage traitor?”

Ooooh, "garbage traitor," what an insult. Don't use garbage as an adjective. "Traitor garbage" would be better, but something else entirely would be best

“Is that true? Tell us!” ordered

Pretty sure the "tell us" part is implied by the whole situation

“Let’s kill him and go after them,”

These are some seriously bloodthirsty priestesses! Don't they have anyone to do the dirty work for them?

Why didn’t he tell her the truth?

Why hadn't he told her the truth

Why didn’t he just stay home?

Because he's a trader?

for your own sake.

For all our sakes

“Is it possible to see what you guys are doing? Maybe someone could show us around. Is Lena nearby? It’s been a few days since any of us saw her. Is she doing alright?”

Four questions in a row? Is he five years old?

giving them pause.

Seriously, stop using this phrase

breaking the area with a cackle

What?

flying into a set of trees,

Just say "into the trees". You don't have to specify that multiple trees are a set.

Her eyes were filled with complete and utter rage.

Complete and utter rage? No. Bad phrase. "Rage distorted her face, reminding Terry of some terrible beast."

while disabling another in the eye.

No, no, no. You don't "disable someone in the eye".

across one of their necks,

Across the neck of the closest one

without issue,

With no resistance

causing Tia to step away from him.

Knocking Tia off balance

almost seething at the mouth.

"seething at the mouth" is not a thing people say