How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen: A Survival Guide to Life with Children Ages 2-7 (The How To Talk Series)

by Joanna Faber

What I discovered as a parent was that there is a certain twenty-four-hours-a-day relentlessness to caring for young children that makes it hard to think straight.

The problem is, there’s just no good shortcut to getting a cooperative kid. You can try, but you will likely end up knee-deep in a bog of conflict.

The point is that we can’t behave right when we don’t feel right. And kids can’t behave right when they don’t feel right.

We don’t want to accept negative feelings because they’re so . . . well . . . negative. We don’t want to give them any power. We want to correct them, diminish them, or preferably make them disappear altogether. Our intuition tells us to push those feelings away as fast and hard as possible. But this is one instance in which our intuition is leading us astray.

That last response perfectly expresses the intensity of hostility that we sometimes experience when someone denies our negative feelings. We can go quickly from unhappiness to rage when talked to this way, and so can our children.

The next time your kid says something negative and inflammatory, follow these steps: 1. Grit your teeth and resist the urge to immediately contradict him! 2. Think about the emotion he is feeling 3. Name the emotion and put it in a sentence

I was sure my son was having an outsized reaction to a trivial matter. To me, a missed TV show does not qualify as worthy of a meltdown. But a child’s emotions are just as real and important to him as our grown-up emotions are to us. The best way to help a child “get over it” is to help him go through it.

The good thing about being a parent is that if you blow it the first time, you almost always get another chance. In this particular case the same basic scenario recurred several hundred times, so I had ample opportunity to practice. Here I am in a finer moment: Dan guarding blocks, baby approaching . . . Dan: No! No! No! Me (acknowledging and identifying his feelings): Oh no, here you are working on something special and the giant baby is coming to grab it. How frustrating! Dan: Here, here, here! (He swiftly tosses a handful of blocks to the floor to distract the baby and moves his creation to the coffee table.) Me: Wow, you figured out what to do to keep that baby happy.

Without having their own feelings acknowledged first, children will be deaf to our finest explanations and most passionate entreaties.

Children depend on us to name their feelings so that they can find out who they are. If we don’t, our unspoken message is: “You don’t mean what you say, you don’t know what you know, you don’t feel what you feel, you can’t trust your own senses.”

Children need us to validate their feelings so they can become grown-ups who know who they are and what they feel. We are also laying the groundwork for a person who can respect and not dismiss the needs and feelings of other people.

“But” takes away the gift you’ve just given. It’s like saying, “I hear how you feel and now I am going to explain to you why that feeling is wrong.” Imagine hearing someone say, “I am so sorry your mother passed away. But hey, she’s dead, you’re alive, tears won’t change it; let’s move on!” If you feel a but bubbling up, you can replace it with this handy sentence starter: The problem is . . .

The problem is suggests that there is a problem that can be solved without sweeping away the feelings.

Even though you know is not off-putting because it gives your child credit for understanding the problem, while at the same time letting him know that you empathize with how strongly he feels.

Having their feelings acknowledged actually helps children accept that they can’t always get what they want. In the toy store you can say, “Oh boy, that is a really cool unicorn! You like the sparkles on his mane . . . and the pink and orange stars on his rump. Let’s write it down on your wish list.”

“Even though you know you don’t need new PJs, it’s still hard to see your brother get a new pair. Let’s write down the colors you like so we’ll know what to buy when you need them.”

I tried to be patient. I explained to him that he was sleeping, but that made him madder. Finally I said, “You really like that playground. Even though you were sleeping, you still wanted to play there. You wanted us to wake you up!” “Yeah!” I grabbed a piece of paper and a pencil and I started drawing. “What’s your favorite thing at the playground?”

A child in emotional distress is unlikely to be soothed by well-reasoned discourse. A terrific tool for moments like these is to give a child in fantasy what you can’t give in reality. When your child is crying in the car because he’s thinking about the candy you didn’t buy him at the mall, it’s not the right time for a lecture on tooth decay. Admit it! Candy tastes good! Wouldn’t it be nice if we could eat candy every day and nothing bad would happen to our teeth? What would we have for breakfast? M&M’s or lollipops? And how about lunch? Encourage your kids to chime in. I recall a memorable ride home when my three boys happily imagined a world where the car itself was made out of sweets and even the road was paved with candy. You could take a rest stop and nibble on the bumper, or crumble off a little piece of pavement if you felt like having a snack.

Resist the urge to ask questions of a distressed child.

You may have noticed that we don’t respond to a child’s distress by asking questions: Are you sad? Did that make you angry? Why are you crying? Even gentle questions can feel like an interrogation when a child is in distress. He may not know why he is upset. He may not be able to express it clearly in words.

You can say, “You seem sad.” “Something upset you.” Or even just, “Something happened.” That kind of phrase invites your child to talk if she feels like it, but also gives comfort if she doesn’t feel like talking.

I have more patience for him in the morning now that I understand what’s going on in his head.

TOOL #5: Acknowledge Feelings with (Almost) Silent Attention (Don’t just say something. Sit there!)

The gift we can give them is to not get in the way of their process by jumping in with our reactions: advice, questions, corrections. The important thing is to give them our full attention and trust them to work it out.

I was amazed because he’s never talked to me like that before. I had no idea preschoolers had such complicated social lives. I felt sad for him, but I think he’ll be able to work it out. He was certainly much cheerier after telling me all his woes.

Endless reminding, nagging, cajoling, demanding. That’s the reality of being a parent.

So our kids get told what to do. All day long. That’s the reality of being a kid. And they should listen, because we’re in charge

When we give children commands, we’re working against ourselves. Where we had hoped to inspire obedience, we’ve just stirred up rebellion in their little hearts.

The problem with a threat is that it can come awfully close to sounding like a dare. When a parent says, ‘If you throw sand one more time, you’re going straight home!’ the child doesn’t seem to hear the whole sentence. What the child seems to hear is, ‘Throw sand . . . one more time!’ ”

Please is best reserved for standard etiquette like, “Please pass the salt.” When you “ask” a child to please hold still . . . or get in his carseat . . . or put away his blocks . . . you’re not really making a gentle request. You’re not truly willing to accept “No thank you!” as an answer.

TOOL #1: Be Playful

One technique, sure to be a hit with the seven and under set, is to make an inanimate object talk. Lonely shoes can whine, “I feel cold and empty. Won’t somebody put a nice warm foot in me?” Hungry toy boxes can demand, “Feed me blocks! I want the green crunchy ones!” Cups can screech, “Don’t leave me out here by myself! I gotta get in the sink with my buddies.” Toothbrushes can use their best tough-guy voice, “Lemme in dere. I think I seen a germ hiding behind dat molar.”

Another playful technique is to turn a boring task into a challenge or a game. Instead of, “Look at this mess. You’re supposed to put your dirty clothes in the basket.” Try, “How many seconds do you think it will take to toss all your dirty clothes in the laundry basket? . . . Twenty? Oh dear,

Instead of, “Get in the car now. I don’t want to have to ask you again.” Try, “We have to get all the way from the door to the car. Let’s try hopping. It won’t be easy!”

Instead of, “If you don’t get into pajamas right now, there will be no story time.” Try, “Do you think you can get your PJs on with your eyes closed?”

Give them an “energy pill” (a single raisin carefully placed in the palm) to give them the strength to clean up. Almost any tedious task can be transformed if it’s infused with the spirit of play.

In my experience, if you can muster up a little playfulness, it actually takes less energy than having to deal with all the whining and resistance you get from a direct order. It also sets a nice tone. Even if orders are more efficient, the mood will be brighter with playfulness. It makes people feel more loving and cooperative.

TOOL #2: Offer a Choice

I’m not suggesting that you make uncomfortable compromises or that you put a three-year-old in charge of the whole show. I’m just saying that human beings, including small ones, like to have some input and control over their lives.

Instead of, “Get in the car, now!” Try, “Would you like to bring a toy or a snack for the ride?” “Do you want to take giant steps to the car or do you want to skip to the car?”

Instead of, “If I have to tell you one more time to get into that tub . . .” Try, “Do you want your bath with bubbles or boats?” “Would you like to hop to the tub like a bunny, or crawl like a crab?”

Instead of, “Pajamas now!” Try, “Do you want to put your pajamas on the regular way, or inside out?” “Do you want to jump five more times before putting on your PJs, or ten? Okay, let’s make them big ones. ONE . . . TWO . . . THREE . . .”

Each of these statements says to your child, “I see you as a person who can make decisions about your own life.” And every time your child makes a small decision, she’s getting valuable practice for some of the bigger decisions she’ll be making down the road.

I went over to her and said that I needed her to decide if we should take the picture with everybody standing or with the kids sitting on the picnic table. She stopped in her tracks and stared at me. Then she said, “Picnic table,” and went over and sat down. I was the hero of the day!

Don’t turn a choice into a threat.

When giving a choice, it’s important that both options are pleasant!

TOOL #3: Put the Child in Charge

A common complaint among parents of toddlers is, “He won’t do what he’s told because he just wants to be in control!” My response is, “Then let’s put him in control.” Whenever you can put your child in charge of his own behavior, you come out ahead.

country, you probably react badly to being controlled. Human beings of all ages yearn for autonomy and independence. How about that Boston Tea Party? If it had been a bunch of toddlers we would’ve called it the Boston Temper Tantrum. So let’s think about how we can put our kids in control.

We have this handy little timer in our classroom. When you twist the dial it shows a slice of red. So if you set it for 30 minutes, half the clock face is red. Fifteen minutes, a quarter of the clock face is red. The slice of red gets smaller as the time gets used up, so the kids can see time go by. That way we can put them in charge of taking turns, or knowing when it’s time to clean up, instead of nagging them. I’ve actually heard them warn each other, ‘We have to hurry. There’s only a sliver of red left!’ ”