The Power of the Other: The startling effect other people have on you, from the boardroom to the bedroom and beyond-and what to do about it

by Henry Cloud

help me, and I am free to bring my needs to them.”

LOSING HEART Liam was a renowned heart surgeon, head of a famous medical

He had received every accolade from the medical world as a leading innovator and from the business community for his ability to make health care systems profitable. He called me at the literal height of his career. “I need to talk to you,” he said. “I have a problem.” We blocked out a day for him to fly to Los Angeles, and he told me a painful story. “What brings you here?” I asked. “I have made some big mistakes,” he said. “Mistakes that can ruin everything, and I need to fix it.” He went on to tell me a story of Corner Three behavior involving several extramarital affairs over a number of years—with nurses, hospital staff, and others. His wife had recently found out, as well as the board of two of the medical systems that he was leading. Needless to say, there were serious ripple effects—more like a tsunami, actually. His wife moved out. His hospital ties and investors were threatened. His partners found themselves having to address very difficult HR issues, to say the least. His four children were hurt and disillusioned. On and on the

business sides of life. Not surprisingly, he was personally devastated as well. Even before getting caught, he had been in hell, living two lives: a leader in his field and community, on the one hand, and a cheater and liar on the other. As he put it, “I’m glad it all came to light, even in such a painful way, because it was killing me.” (In fact, his grown daughter and her husband had caught him in a lie, were curious, followed his car, and found him with a woman.) Which brings us to the moment that is the point of this story. “I came here to see you,” he said, “so you could give me some input about my plan. I want to turn everything around, save my marriage, and really change. So, I have made some serious commitments and put some things in place that I think are going to help, and I want to get your thoughts on my plan.” He was hopeful; he said his wife was agreeable to working things out if he was really serious about changing his behavior. Otherwise, she was done. So far so good, I thought. I asked, “What’s the plan?” “Well, I’ve made a commitment to Susan to be a better husband and attend to her needs more,” he began. “I can see how I kind of check out when I’m not working ...

her way. “So what do you think?” he asked. “Want the truth?” I asked back. “Of course,” he said. “I think you’re headed for another heart attack, to use your language.” Startled, he asked, “What do you mean?” I said, “I think you’ve probably had this very same conversation with hundreds of your heart patients. They have a heart attack, and then don’t address the lifestyle issues that caused the heart disease, and you know it is going to happen again. You can see it coming.” “But I’m making a lot of changes,” he retorted. “A lot!” “I know . . . and that’s what scares me,” I answered. “The changes you’re making are all going to make the disease worse, not better. You’re adding more and more to the problem, not fixing it.” “How?” he asked. “Every strategy you’re using involves more output from you. More giving. More discipline. More obedience to what is right. More effort. More service and sacrifice. This whole thing depends on you, and it’s not going to work.” “But . . . why? Those are the things I need to do to make it different,” he said. I regained my patience and explained that although his list addressed the problems in the marriage, they wouldn’t fix the underlying problem t...

“is when you perform well, by way of awards and trophies.” As Liam shook his head in agreement, I pointed out that real encouragement comes when you are feeling discouraged, weak, or down, and need help from someone else. In the absence of that, Liam had gone looking for comfort and connection in all the wrong places, in the arms of a lot of women. “That was a place where you could truly let down your guard,” I pointed out, “and someone was there just for you. Not demanding anything from yo...

He just kind of looked at me. Silent. Staring into the middle distance . . . no words. It was strange for a moment, how stunned he looked. So I asked, “Do you remember ever needing and depending on others?” This is when it got really interesting. He looked into space for a moment and then said that something had brought a lot of different strands of experience and memories together for him. “I just remembered something that might have to do with what you are talking about,” he said. “What...

come to a head and he had to go into rehab. It was something we always had around us, but no one ever really talked about it. We just stepped ar...

“Then, while he was there, my mother had a nervous breakdown and had to be hospitalized. They told us she was going away for a long time. I had two little sisters and two little brothers. That night, when my parents had gone, I remember walking out into the yard and looking at the sky, wondering what I was going to do from there. I remember this like it was yesterday. . . . I thought almost out loud . . . I might have even said it out loud. ‘There’s no one to depend on anymore. It’s all going to be up to me,’” he said solemnly.

taking care of his siblings and everyone else, busting his butt through college, and training for eight years to be a cardiac surgeon without complaint. It was all output. I suggested that what he was describing sounded a lot like what happens when the human heart stops working, an example he would certainly understand. “OK,” I said. “Try this analogy. Doesn’t a human heart have four pipes? Two coming in and two coming out?” “Yes . . . kind of, but go ahead,” he said. “So it’s as if you have two clogged veins. You’re always pumping out, giving out, but nothing ever comes in,” I said, instructing one of the leading heart surgeons of our day on how his metaphorical heart works. “Your entire life is performance, giving out and never taking in, in terms of what you need to thrive. At some point, something has to give. You begin to look for some way to meet those needs and

get something coming in. Get comfort—care.

care. You found a pretty good way. One that a lot of high-output performers have depended on for eons: sex. And it works, for a while. The problem is that it never is enough to meet those unmet emotional needs, just sexual needs. You always need more, like a drug. And the other pro...

career, everything that matters to you.” Liam had gotten into trouble by ignoring his need for help from the outside, from others, and now, to fix it, he had constructed a program for his marriage and health that is once again built on, and solely dependent on, his own solitary strengths. “You have to come up with an an...

“So . . . what would your plan look like?” he asked. I proposed that he look for help outside himself—just as when people can’t fix their own hearts, they call in an expert. They don’t do it themselves. “Look at it this way. How did you become a great surgeon? By yourself? No. You made yourself vulnerable and you went to others to help you. They imparted their knowledge, their expertise. They modeled it for you. They taught you. They corrected you when you mad...

came alongside you and encouraged you. When you lost your first patient, they walked you through it. When you needed to learn the newest technique or piece of equipment...

helped you. The truth is that you are who you are, highly successful in that arena, because the power of other people has helped you get there. But in those areas, it was a lot easier for you to show vulnerability. No one expects a first-year resident to know how to do a heart transplant. It was easier for you to ask for help. And I’m positive that your patients are glad you’re not a ‘self-made surgeon.’ You learned from the best. No...

One year later, the doctor and I spoke again. When he had first come to visit me, I had put together a very different kind of plan than his, one that focused on building Corner Four connections, and he had followed it with gusto. As a result, Liam was able to get his career and his marriage back to health. He had joined an SAA (Sex Addicts Anonymous) group, as well as a high performer’s support group; he had undertaken individual coaching and counseling and was attending weekly marriage counseling sessions with his wife. With his SAA group, he also had a sponsor he could call anytime, with whom he was meeting for lunch once a week, as well. It was a lot, especially for a surgeon with his level of responsibility. But here is what he told me: “I have to tell you, my entire

life is different. One year ago, you told me that my plan was not going to work. I had no idea at the

time what you were talking about, but I trusted you because you have seen a lot of people like me over the years. It was the moment that led to the big moment of clarity: I was going to have to find recovery in a different mode of thinking that required me to face my weaknesses and vulnerabilities, and reach outside for help.” Liam recounted how, with the help of experts, he’d realized that he had been relying on self-medicating patterns of behaviors...

fact that he did have needs and that he needed other people to help him. As Liam opened up to others, sharing his fears and insecurities, he’d had another big realization: a lot of top achievers struggle with the same issues. “I learned also from them as I listened to them . . . as they shared their issues, I learned about my own, and what I needed to do. Hearing their stories was really helpful for me.” Another important aspect of his recovery was accountability. To know that others will be checking in with you to see how you’re doing brings an important resource to the plan. When your struggles are no longer a secret, a problem that only you are addressing, you can find solutions and support through others’ words of enco...

comes to our needs, or vulnerabilities or weaknesses, that’s where the gl...

Finally, the fuel and fulfillment can get to the need. A Navy SEAL needs strength he doesn’t have . . . until he spots a buddy on the shore who gives him an encouraging fist pump. A leading surgeon needs repair, recovery,

read

“A lot of people have gone further than they thought they could because someone else thought they could.”

Henry Ford had Thomas Edison. Mark Zuckerberg was mentored by Steve Jobs. Bill Gates had Warren Buffet and Ed Roberts. Jack Nicklaus had Jack Grout.

Michael Jordan had Phil Jackson. Bill Hewlett and David Packard had Frederick Terman. Sheryl Sandberg had Larry Summers.

There is no such thing as a self-made man or woman.

the leaders who accomplish the most, thrive the most, overcome the most are not afraid to say they need help. Most of them have come to me of their own volition—the so-called self-referred, as opposed to those leaders who’ve

“I need some help with . . .” I’m often awed by their humility. What a privilege to hear a truly great leader get vulnerable, and say, “I need some help with this.”

The best ones, the greatest performers, are the humble ones who know what they need and express it freely.

The leader can’t humble himself to receive help, and the board is afraid to tell him he needs it.

So they ask. They need. They embrace their need, and they

Have you ever had one of those surprises that rocks your world? When you find out that everything you thought was wrong, and that reality is the opposite of what you understood it to be?

had hired someone without really doing all of the due diligence I should have done; I just had some friends’ word about him and had taken his résumé at face value. I should have taken more

Worse, I had ignored some instincts I’d had about him as well.

even if my gut was telling me not to be so sure. Probably worst

All I could think was What an idiot I’ve been! How could I have let this happen?

me

It was my main business mentor at that time, one of the

what I had done. And then he said it: “Well, we’ve all been there.”

“We’ve all made that mistake,” he said. “We’ve all hired the wrong person or done a deal with the

“Absolutely,” he said. “Anyone who has built anything or done anything significant has made that mistake. We’ve all had to learn that one.”

Now we know from science that I was getting “well” because of his empathy, his ability to connect with me and show me that he understood, that he identified with me, and that he was for me. My brain chemistry was changing. The effects of the stress hormones that had been interfering with my

Emotionally, I felt less discouraged for several reasons, not the least of which was the combination of not feeling like the only idiot on the planet who

I’d caught a glimpse of hope. The conversation with

me

Nothing about the situation had changed. Except one thing: I had tapped into the power of the other. After

me

“What is the ‘thing’ that is actually being regulated, the something that is shared by the body and by our relational communication? The answer is energy.”

Relationship, the connection between people, not only enhances our mental functioning, but actually works to impart it, to provide it. Capacity

me

It is “the capacity to do something.”

The energy derived from relationships isn’t something that’s easy to fully understand, even though it has become clear,

refueling

“All organizations inherently have energy because they are made up of people, and people have energy. But in winning organizations, people seem to have more energy, and they certainly use it more productively. While the losers waste their energy on negative activities such as internal politics and resisting changes demanded by the marketplace, the winners use theirs positively to overcome problems and meet new challenges.

MPT

The true fuel