More on this book
Community
Kindle Notes & Highlights
by
Henry Cloud
Infants who have a loving, caring, supportive, and attuned relationship develop all sorts of
Healthy relationship wires their brains for a host of functions—such as the ability to regulate their own emotions, solve problems, deal with stress, and be resilient. As we shall see, business leaders, athletes, and other high performers build their equipment through relationships utilizing
If the relationships are positive, attuned, empathic, caring, supportive, and challenging, then they cause positive development in the brain and increase
things to be built into us when they shouldn’t be—“bugs,” such as an overreactive brain, distrust, squirrelly thinking, an inability to focus and attend, impulsivity, controlling behavior,
Third, there’s the mind—and this is the biggest reason I believe my professor was wrong in implying therapy was only about relationship. The mind is the
mind
the mind “regulates the flow of energy and information within our bodies and within our relationships, an
true
This is why we can’t just be “in a relationship,” or just have a “friend” and expect that to do all that we need to get to the next level. Just anyone won’t do. There is the building of real equipment
Gracie
Yes, relationship matters, but it must be the kind of relationship that builds good equipment—the technology of your mind, if you will—to improve
in certain kinds of relationships.
get to the next level of performance, you certainly do have to think differently, but to think differently, you have to have a different mind, and your brain has to fire differently. To develop these differences in your mind and brain, the equipment in which thoughts and feelings and behaviors are embodied, you need to connect in ways that rewire you.
staff
sessions after a year and a half of working together. “It’s interesting,” he commented. “I’m
next level, works—it’s not something we can control, or will into being, or just choose . . . even though you would like to be able to do that, right?
It’s about becoming someone who performs better, and performs differently. It’s about changing the equipment.”
He had been growing as the result of a process, not by willpower or by working through a big to-do list each time.
key
But the change he was seeing in his performance really was more outside of his control than he would have liked it to be. Like a lot of top leaders, he had a real love of being in control and structuring things. But getting better is not a solo act and not something that you can control.
key
quantitative effects: How long you live Whether you reach or don’t reach your goals
key
Whether or not you close the sale How much money you make How well your kids do in school How much you trust people How you cope with stress and failure
How much physical pain you experience How and what you think
read
Or do you also focus on whether or not you are connecting with people you are close to and
focus only on your strategy, or on whom you are going to engage to help you get there?
i nerd to do
you are trying to change a behavior, do you set out a target for change, and begin to try to live up to that target? Or do you seek coaching and support that will help you get there?
ksy for everyone
Or do you focus on the relationship and shared values?
How we are always seeking connection, sometimes to not-so-good ends, and what to do about that reality
These issues include fueling, self-mastery, ownership, goal acceleration, structure, and others. Second, the truth is that each of these dynamics requires relationship in order to increase
keys
Your plane lands, and the flight attendant says, “It is now safe
cell phoner connections
But without a connection to the right network, that little device will never be able to do everything
each of us starts searching for a connection to the right network, one that will provide us with the energy and information (coding) to
Several others. A community that will bring life, all the ingredients of life that you need to get past the limit of your present existence and performance.
Fatima
Humans need connection, and their systems are always searching for one.
but the fact that he was so disconnected—from the board, his own team, and really the organization. His decisions were coming out of his
mary
WHERE ARE YOU?
The reality is that you are always in one of four places of connection.
Disconnected, No Connection 2. The Bad Connection 3. The Pseudo-Good Connection 4. True Connection CORNER NUMBER ONE: DISCONNECTED
4corners
Sometimes a person can be extroverted, even always around others, but still be disconnected.
True connection always means being emotionally and functionally invested in other people, in a give-and-receive dynamic. Disconnection lacks something, in one direction or the other—either in the giving or the receiving.
As leaders, people residing in Corner One tend not to build strong relational cultures.
The healthiest and most talented people usually leave to work at places where they’ll feel more valued, where they can be part of something with a soul.
Key
Under disconnected leaders, decision making tends to be done in isolation, either solely by the leaders or in organizational
This model of “closed system” leadership does exactly what all closed systems do: it
me and Maura?
Key people and other stakeholders begin to wonder, “What was he thinking? He’s so out of touch.”
“When I drink alone, I prefer to be by myself.”
So far I’ve described what it’s like to try to connect to someone in Corner One. It’s tough, it’s lonely, and it’s not sustainable.
Ask them if they feel needed, valued, listened to, and taken into your confidence. If they answer yes, then you are probably not stuck in Corner One.
ask
For whatever reasons, life has taught you that you have to do things on your own.
kid is a doer, the family hero, or a caretaker—the one everyone else depends on. I
fatimas
can’t tell you how many CEOs I have worked with who were the higher-performing sibling who learned early to make up for what others weren’t doing.
They are always putting out, performing for others, getting it done, and yet rarely ever taking in what they need from the outside world.
How many times have we heard that it’s lonely at the top? Many leaders do feel alone, but it doesn’t have to be that way, and the best leaders create conditions that help them avoid being pulled into Corner
asked what her board was saying to her. “What?” she replied. “I haven’t told them about any of this.”
“I can’t let them see me in this kind of vulnerable state. I can’t reach out to them like this,” she
