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by
Henry Cloud
If you can’t find connection in one aspect of your life, even if only temporarily, then all the more reason to seek it in other supportive relationships.
Bill Hybels, founder of the Global Leadership Summit, and
you have someplace where you can be 100 percent honest and vulnerable as to what you are going through in your leadership role, where you can totally be honest about struggles, conflicts, needs, weaknesses,
Questions chapter 3
totally committed to your growth and well-being as a leader? The very role of that relationship is just to develop and help you?
Have you experienced anything in the last year that you would say has gotten to “clinical proportions?” Burnout, loss of energy, difficulty getting motivated, concentration or focus problems, anxiety or stress, depression, an addiction or other habit, sleep problems, etc.
does mean that it’s all coming from you. You might be giving to others and having
out for: Clinical: Increased stress; lower energy levels, concentration, and motivation; problems sleeping; lowered libido; increased fear and anxiety; increased levels of suspicion, distrust, and resentment; loss of hope and purpose. Relational: Not feeling as connected to others as you once did—even
Performance: Not getting the results you need and feeling as if it all depends upon you to do so; not being able
We are made for connection, remember? The “chip” inside is always searching, even if we’re sometimes afraid or unaware of
Corner Number Two: the Bad Connection.
Corner Number Two, the Bad Connection, is not necessarily a connection with a bad or abusive person, although it may be. Instead, it is a connection, preoccupation, or pull toward a person who has the effect of making you feel bad or “not good enough” in some way.
But the one common ingredient is that they have the power to make you feel bad. High expectations, perfectionism, unreasonable demands, a critical spirit, withholding of praise, shame, guilt, put-downs, silence—these are just a few of the many ways that a person like this can hook someone into feeling the Corner Number Two bad connection.
Still, I have been amazed by the number of extremely high performers, some admired all over the world, who have confided to me that someone has that power to make them feel not good enough—from sports to business to entertainment, literal superstars who cannot shake the feeling of disapproval and disappointment from that particular someone.
if you are in Corner Two, for some reason the chip inside of you has connected
to this particular network, a critical one in several senses of the word, this connection with a person who makes you feel bad about yourself, or your work, or your life. The connection produces anxiety, fear, guilt, shame, and feelings of badness or inferiority.
Corner Number Two annihilates high performance through self-doubt and self-deprecation. You become more concerned with gaining someone’s approval than with the performance itself. Simply stated, when that is happening, you have become less of you.
Corner 2
Kevin, now playing defense, was no longer being all of himself.
experience this not-being-good-enough feeling. You might be having a primary connection not with someone like Kevin’s boss, but with your own internal critical voices. It doesn’t even take a boss or another person to drive you
into Corner Two; you end up there all by yourself. You can even do it in your car driving alone!
No matter whether a move into Corner Two is triggered by a real person or by voices in your head, your performance suffers.
Over the years, I’ve had many conversations with team members who’ve expressed these sentiments about their leader. “I wish he would just stop wanting people to like him, and just take charge. It
true
There is more attempt at selling it than declaring it.
CORNER NUMBER THREE: THE SEDUCTIVELY FALSE “GOOD CONNECTION”
want to feel good.” So it finds something to connect to that feels good.
Whereas a Corner Two connection leaves you feeling
bad, or not good enough in some way, in Corner Three it’s the opp...
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Sometimes really good. The positive feelings take a variety of forms: the affair, the addiction, the attachment to promotions, awards, or positive results, the next acquisition, the next big product launch, accolades from others. Food, sex, drugs, . . . a new Ferrari. It’s all an attempt to soothe the soul. The problem is tha...
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I have seen leaders addicted to good news. They want to hear only about what is g...
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Flattery is perhaps the worst drug of all for Corner Three leaders. They thrive on it, and unfortunately their position puts them in the exactly right circumstance for the pushers of this drug.
mary
Substances, awards, accolades, the approval of yes-men and sycophants, sexual acting out, indulgence in hobbies
or materialism—they all have the power to make us feel good . . . for a minute. Then, we need another fix. Another good report. Another
Like all forms of addiction, the drive for more itself becomes the reason for being.
Corners One and Two are downers, but Corner Three lets the good times roll. It’s fun. High energy. Electric at times. The person or leader who is experiencing Corner Three is on an endorphin high. Champagne is flowing; high fives rule the day. Sometimes entire companies can get caught up in the hype.
There are a thousand ways we humans have come up with to self-medicate, but they are all ultimately a trap of our own devising and lead to diminishing performance. One executive I worked with figured out that her Corner Three was retail therapy.
Sex, food, good wine, hobbies, awards, good revenues, celebrations, wins, fun, exciting relationships and events, exotic trips, products, and toys—they are awesome, fun, and life enhancing. They should be enjoyed. But they will never fulfill your “searching for a connection” drive. Ultimately the new car smell goes
THE THREE-CORNER ROUNDABOUT
You start in Corner One, feeling a bit alone and by yourself. You reach out, hoping for some support or a sense of partnering or community. But you have unwittingly drifted into Corner Number Two, into some kind of connection that ends up making you feel not good enough. Now you feel bad, less of something than you should be, guilty, or some other version of inferior. Well, enough of that, right? So you do something to make yourself feel better. Let’s take a trip into Corner Three, whatever your medicine of choice. You imbibe for a while, feeling some relief, and then, before too long, you
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Summary of corner1-3
Well, you could go back to Three . . . take another dose. And sometimes you do. And so it goes, round and round and round. You pass through the same places over and over, but you’re not able to escape or find a way out. Is there anywhere else to go? And if there is, how do you get there? Let’s see. . . .
At the same time, it is a state that we don’t relish embracing.
“need-fear” dilemma. We fear the vulnerability that it takes to embrace our needs, so they
the simplest terms, a real connection is one in which you can be your whole self, the real, authentic you, a relationship to which you can bring your heart, mind, soul, and passion. Both
relationship
parties to the relationship are wholly present, known, understood, and mutually invested. What each truly thinks, feels, believes, fears, and needs
Where am I? Where is the enemy? Where is my buddy? No matter what the answers are to questions 1 and 2, the way out of difficulty is going to come from having the answer to question 3. If you are lost, you can connect with your buddy and find your way. If the enemy is about to get you and you’re surrounded with no way out, you can call for reinforcement and your buddy will take the enemy out. If you can’t find your buddy, you’re in some deep stuff. You might not make it out at all. Everything ultimately hinges on each other. SEALS know that, and they train to always be there.
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THE MASK OF INAUTHENTICITY
The concept of the true self versus the false self is an old construct in the field of psychology, meaning exactly what it says. The true self is who you really are, and the false self is the mask that we put on to protect ourselves.
how bad it is, the leader has to put on “the face”—the face of hope, strength, optimism.
The question for the leader is this: Where can you go without the mask? Or as a Navy SEAL would put it, where is my buddy when I
never ends. Everyone needs a buddy; we all need to be able to express our needs and know that they will be heard and met, that we will be relieved.
Fatima
Young President’s Organization (YPO). Members are
As he put it, “No one there is invested in my results other than they care about me and want me to succeed. So, they have no agenda other than to be there for me, to
