The Man's Guide to Women: Scientifically Proven Secrets from the Love Lab About What Women Really Want

by John M. Gottman

Research shows that what men do in a relationship is, by a large margin, the crucial factor that separates a great relationship from a failed one.

it is what you do and the way you think that matters most.

We’re not going to tell you what’s wrong with women—we’re going to explain where you may have gone wrong in the past.

the goal is not to become the world’s greatest lover, or boyfriend, or husband, but to become the world’s greatest lover, boyfriend, or husband of your particular partner.

Think Midnight Express. No one wants to end up in prison in a foreign country. The Land of Women is no exception.

The number one thing women look for is simply this: trustworthiness.

What trustworthiness looks like in dating and mating is this: You are who you say you are and you do what you say you are going to do. It’s about reliability, accountability, and showing up just as you are (but with good hygiene).

Opening a door for her, pulling out her chair, and walking on the traffic side of the street (yeah, really) all signal that you care about her and are willing to protect her.

In our Love Lab, we found that women have two major complaints about men. The first complaint is: “He is never there for me.” The second complaint is: “There isn’t enough intimacy and connection.”

The fights of many couples result from men dismissing women’s emotions instead of attuning to them. You dismiss a woman’s emotions every time you try to fix them, distract her from them, minimize them, mock them, or ignore them altogether.

We found that men who learned emotional attunement got what they ultimately wanted from their relationships: less fighting and more sex.

Trait women want most: trustworthiness. Trust is built through: emotional connection. Emotional connection is created through: attunement. Therefore, emotional attunement = trustworthiness.

turn toward her while you talk.

No matter what she is saying, the goal is understanding. And how you get to understanding is by asking questions.

If the woman in your life is complaining about her best friend, don’t offer a solution, don’t try to distract her, don’t think of how you can “fix” the problem, don’t make jokes, and don’t minimize the problem. Ask questi...

Whether she is complaining about her mother, frustrated with her boss, or pissed off at you—let understanding be your goal.

The men who were able to “downregulate” their anger (in other words, calm themselves down and not overreact), were the men with great relationships.

Understanding is an intellectual pursuit, while empathy is an emotional pursuit.

the emotional part of the brain calms down when it feels connected to another person and not alone. Show empathy. Show compassion.

remember that attuning with how she feels doesn’t mean that you agree with everything that she says, just that you hear her—that you “get it.”

Attuning is a skill, and like any skill, you get better with practice. So practice. Attune with your partner, attune with your mother, attune with your buddy, attune with your boss, attune with your dog.

To put it simply, listening is sexier than talking. Asking questions is sexier than broadcasting. Being genuinely interested in her is much more important than trying to be interesting to her.

Men are often bigger than women and their voices are deeper and louder. If you use your voice or your size to intimidate or to make a point, even if you don’t intend to do this, a woman will not feel physically safe with you and will not trust you completely. You can attune all day and night, but you will never obtain Hero status in the trustworthy department if you lead with your might.

For now, it is enough to know that if she thinks you are lying to her, being fake, not being accountable, dismissing her feelings, or just not showing up to the party in some way—your sex life will suck. And no man wants that.

Women have big feelings. Men have big feelings, too, but they’re better at hiding them.

He just needed to know that she wanted to feel less alone.

When you attune, the woman you’re with feels safe. When she feels safe, the world is your oyster and life is good. Sex is good. Your relationship is playful and happy and joyous.

If you are in a close relationship with a woman, you are going to get to see all of her emotions (and all of your own emotions) in their raw, ugly beauty. Don’t let them scare you. Don’t think you can give her logical reasons why they should not be present. Acceptance is the key. As you learn to accept her emotions, you may learn to accept your own.

The goal for men is generally dispensing with the emotion so that the play and fun (relationship) can continue.

Emotions are not a problem for girls. They are a good thing, an opportunity for intimacy. To girls, expressing the feelings requires taking a risk, opening up, and trusting one another. It’s a good sign that the relationship is deepening.

Men have a problem with the so-called “negative” emotions, like sadness, anger, fear, disappointment, jealousy, loneliness, shame, and insecurity. These are emotions that many men would just rather not have at all, much less constantly talk about or dwell on. The majority of men believe that talking about these feelings will only make matters worse. This is not true.

Let’s be clear. Let’s get to the ultimate bottom line: For a woman, there are no negative emotions. For a woman, there is no “point” to being emotional. Emotions just are. For women, they’re as natural as breathing.

Emotions are opportunities for intimacy. This bears repeating. They are opportunities to build emotional connection, and they are opportunities to demonstrate your trustworthiness.

Wouldn’t it be boring if you were dating a clone of yourself, or worse, married to your clone? Since you can’t clone yourself what can you do? You can try to understand her. When you give up trying to change her into someone more like you, you can attune to who she really is. That’s when the real magic happens.

When in doubt, remember the hopscotch story. Put a barrette in your hair and show up and attune when your woman needs you. This is what it means to understand the heart of a woman.

You show up and you show up as yourself.

Women need to feel emotionally connected and emotionally safe. This happens through attunement.

So while we’ve established that the brain of a woman has the same parts as the brain of a man, it does operate somewhat differently in two important areas: rhythm and fear. Grasp the importance of these two areas and you are going to get your Hero badge for understanding a woman’s brain.

women are more complicated rhythmically than men, as their hormone levels rise and fall during each month with their menstrual cycles.

The holy trinity of female hormones—estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone—determines a woman’s day-to-day reality: what she values; how outgoing or active she is; what her needs are; and what, when, and even who she desires.

During the first 2 weeks of the menstrual cycle (when estrogen is peaking), women are friendlier, more talkative, more socially relaxed, calmer, and more emotionally sensitive. During the second 2 weeks of the menstrual cycle (when progesterone is peaking), women can be more irritable, more stressed, and less calm, plus they want to be alone more. They can also be more focused on their interior worlds and more creative.

Many women experience an increase in irritability and insomnia in the perimenopause period (mid-forties to mid-fifties) that is exacerbated by stress.

A woman’s needs and emotions can vary throughout her menstrual cycle, although the differences may be extreme for some women and barely noticeable for others.

At ovulation, women may be more emotional and possibly more interested in sex,

In traditional cultures, there was often a place where menstruating women could go to be alone during this time of the month, where they could be relieved of tasks and have time for introspection and reflection.

women tend to be somewhat more attracted to aggressive (alpha) men when they are ovulating and more attracted to kinder, gentler, more nurturing (beta) men when they are not.

She may want you to take a protector role one day, as the two of you are coming home late from a movie, and on another day, she might want you to take a nurturer role by cuddling up with her on the couch and talking about, you know, feelings.

dancers made 80 percent more money in tips when they were ovulating.

Women who were on the Pill had no change in the amount of tips they received. (Women who are on the Pill do not ovulate at all and their hormones remain relatively constant.) It seems women aren’t the only ones driven by the hormonal changes associated with ovulation.

Unlike other primates, humans don’t go into “estrous” (heat), and many women are just as horny at other times in their cycle, including when they are menstruating.