The Man's Guide to Women: Scientifically Proven Secrets from the Love Lab About What Women Really Want

by John M. Gottman

To truly know a woman’s body you have to first know her mind and heart. That’s why we began this book by teaching you how to attune.

A woman needs to feel connected to feel desire. She needs to feel emotionally and physically safe with you before she can feel completely safe sexually.

Your job is not only to know her body and what brings her pleasure, but also to know how to help her feel connected and safe enough to be open to pleasure.

As Doug’s mother once said, “In life, everyone is responsible for their own orgasm.” (Wise words from a wise woman.)

Finding the clitoris can be somewhat like playing “Where’s Waldo?”

The clitoris is full of nerve endings and is extremely sensitive. In fact, the clitoris has as many nerve endings as the head of your penis and is a lot smaller. This is why stimulating the clitoris is the surest way to help a woman orgasm.

A Hero can find the clitoris, and he’s not afraid to ask directions if he gets lost.

but remember that what feels good to one woman may not feel good to another woman.

To truly pleasure her, you have to explore the rest of the female anatomy—head to toe. If you think the erogenous zones of a woman are limited to her genitals, think again. She gets turned on when you stroke her hair or kiss her lips, her neck, her breasts, her ears, her shoulders, her thighs, the palm of her hand, or the small of her back. Her skin is sensitive to the slightest touch and the sweetest caress. To truly make love to a woman you have to make love to her whole body with your mind, your eyes, your words, your heart, and your touch.

As we said earlier, every woman is different. When it comes to making love, some women like things slow and gentle. Some women like things fast and hard. And most women want different things at different times in their day, or cycle, or stage of life. Some women will be comfortable telling you what turns them on, and others will leave it up to you to guess what leaves her breathing hard and quivering in ecstasy.

Now, you can imagine how painful it would be for two porcupines to mate. They are covered in quills, and those quills are razor sharp. The male porcupine has a very interesting dilemma (that perhaps you can relate to). He wants to have sex quickly once he’s interested, but if he mounts the female porcupine too soon, and her quills are still up, he is going to get mightily injured. So what he does is he sits down in front of the female porcupine, and he puts his paws on either side of her face. Then he strokes her face very slowly and gently, over and over again. She closes her eyes. Patiently, he continues to stroke her. After a while, he goes behind her and he checks to see if her quills are down. If they aren’t, he returns to his former post and keeps stroking her face for as long as it takes. Once her quills are down, it means she is ready for some porcupine loving, and the relationship is consummated, without injury, porcupine style.

Fifty-four percent of men compared to 19 percent of women think about sex every day or several times a day. In our research of couples’ sex lives, we found that, ideally, men want sex four or five times a week, and women one or two times. Men have more explicit sexual fantasies and women have more romantic fantasies. Adolescent males masturbate more than adolescent females, and that trend continues into adulthood. Men in general are more receptive to sex than women are. Generally, we can conclude that the bottom line is that men have fewer prerequisites for sex than women do.

Sexual desire for women is a barometer. If she’s not happy, or rested, or healthy, or feeling supported and loved, she’s not going to feel a whole lot of sexual desire.

Depression, anxiety, and a past history of sexual abuse can all affect a woman’s experience of desire, as well.

We have all worked with couples where the woman had a stronger sex drive than the man. For the guy, this can be wonderful, exhausting, or even threatening.

The bottom line of this research is, ask her for sex. You have a 75 percent chance that she’ll say yes, assuming all else is going well—she is rested, connected, unstressed, and feeling safe.

Women who have been abused want to heal and reclaim their sexuality. It takes communication and patience on your part.

a woman needs to feel close and connected to you in order to have great sex with you.

After you masturbate, you don’t have the awkward task of saying goodbye to yourself.

The secret to turning physiological interest into actual desire for sex is to connect the mind, the heart, and the genitals. In other words, it’s not just about what you do, but also how you do it.

The problem is that porn is all created around a man’s fantasy and the frenzy of a man’s masturbatory experience. It has nothing to do with what real women want.

In real sex, most women don’t like a penis until they like the man that it is attached to.

While a woman is turned on by how a man looks, she is even more turned on by how he speaks, how he acts, how he treats her, how he touches her.

Think about sex as something that starts with the way you hold her hand or kiss her lips or even open the door for her.

Dopamine gives you the sense that something wonderful is about to happen.

Novelty also spikes dopamine, so the more you keep things interesting and avoid pushing the familiar buttons, the better. Dopamine is about wanting and desire, and you want her to want you.

The key to personal, pleasurable, even ecstatic sex is the eyes. When two people look into each other’s eyes, they initiate that “social glue” we mentioned earlier. There are few things more intimate than gazing into each other’s eyes. We’re not talking about a creepy stalker stare. We’re talking about gazing passionately and lovingly into a woman’s eyes.

Your smile makes her feel safe and lets her know that your intentions are good.

the truth is that a kiss has always been a sign of real intimacy and in many ways is much more personal than a blow job or many other sexual acts.

everything positive you do for her is actually foreplay.

there is nothing that tells her that you adore her more than kissing her all over and appreciating every inch of her body with your lips.

Breasts are to be cherished. Start with a light and delicate touch, as if there is electricity in your fingers.

As she becomes more aroused, she may want you to squeeze her nipples more intensely, but it’s always best to approach with gentleness. She’ll push your fingers into her breasts if she wants more intense pressure.

Be creative and see what areas of her body, apart from her breasts and genitals, can cause her breathing to get heavy, can make her shiver, and cause her to arch her back and press up against you.

As you become more of a cunnilingus connoisseur, you can choose to suck and roll her clitoris between your lips. This will drive her crazy.

While you are licking and sucking on her lips and clitoris, you can enter her vagina with your fingers.

When it feels like she is at the boiling point and can’t stand it any longer, when she seems eager to have you enter her, try rubbing your penis on her clitoris and then slowly, inch by inch, move your penis inside her. Don’t rush into full-force thrusting. Tease her a little, pull back, and see how she responds. If she is thrusting against you or her legs are wrapping around your back, she wants you to go deeper. Remember anticipation. Tease her. Tempt her. She will go crazy when you actually do thrust fully inside her.

Different positions change the angle and depth of penetration. Depending on your genital size (and hers), you might want to experiment with different positions.

In real sex, only 25 percent of women (or less) can orgasm with intercourse alone. Her chances of orgasm during intercourse improve dramatically if her clitoris gets the attention it wants, with fingers (yours or hers) or the help of a sex toy.

Sadly, ten to fifteen percent of women have never had an orgasm. If you can establish trust, connect with her, and give her a hand (or a mouth) with orgasm, you will TRULY be her hero.

Experiment with different types of stroking on different areas of the clitoris. You can try different pressures, speeds, and movements. If she pulls back at all, change it up. If she’s smiling, moaning, or writhing, chances are good you are doing things right. As a side note, make sure your nails aren’t sharp. Trimming your nails or getting a manicure may be the manliest thing you can do for your woman.

All arousal begins with the breath, and the first sign that your partner is getting hot and bothered is when her breathing becomes increasingly rapid and shallow. If her nostrils flare or her mouth widens, you are doing something good.

The period after sex is a source of enormous pleasure for women. They often want to be held, stroked, cuddled, and to continue to feel close. A master lover does not neglect this period of lovemaking, even if it’s just for a few minutes of connection and caressing of her skin. Yes, you may want to pass out and go to sleep, and that’s fine. Put your arm around her. There’s nothing you have to do but make her feel safe and loved.

Hold her. Hold her before sex, during sex, after sex. Hold her when you’re dating. Hold her when you’re married. Hold her when she’s upset. Hold her when she’s happy. Hold her when she’s scared. Hold her when she feels unworthy of being held, and hold her when she’s mad. Hold her every time she needs to be held, and you will always be her best lover ever.

Oral sex is a must for pleasing and satisfying a woman. If you don’t like it—get over it.

Most women need clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm. Become best buddies with her clitoris.

As we mentioned earlier, one of the main things men want in relationships (besides more sex) is less fighting. And believe us when we tell you that the two are intimately related.

The good news is that you can learn to fight less and resolve conflict more quickly.

When conflict happens, a woman wants one thing: a good listener. A woman’s goal in conflict is to be better understood by her partner. (This means you.) Problem solving is secondary. Now for men, problem solving is usually primary.

There is no place for shock and awe when you’re trying to resolve a conflict with the woman in your life.