The Man's Guide to Women: Scientifically Proven Secrets from the Love Lab About What Women Really Want

by John M. Gottman

most men think about sex about six times more often than women do.

As comedian Billy Crystal once said, “Women need a reason for sex. Men just need a place.”

Men and women often find that their sex drives align more closely as they enter their forties and fifties.

“The problem was that I was trying to relate to Mike as if he were female—a big, hairy female—and I think he thought of me as a weaker, punier version of a man. We were stuck.”

When they asked men and women what they were feeling after having been startled, women reported feeling afraid. Women felt fear. Men reported feeling angry, and some also had a desire to get even with the experimenter.

A Hero, realizing a woman’s response to being startled is quite different than his own, backs off from the other driver and turns his attention to making the woman next to him feel safe.

Women are more likely to feel fear in response to a stressful situation than men are. Women also experience much more fear over the course of a lifetime, and once they feel fear in a situation, they will be even more afraid when that situation arises again in the future.

women need to feel emotionally and physically safe with you.

When a happily married woman held her husband’s hand, the fear response was completely shut down in her brain (specifically the amygdala, for you neuroscientists).

Offering comfort to a woman when she is afraid can immediately shut down her brain’s fear response. That is, of course, assuming she’s happy with you. If she’s unhappy with you, your comfort may not be effective.

As she listened to him dispatch orders with confidence, fairness, and imagination, Sandra found herself, for the first time, incredibly attracted to him.

And what were the top qualities that attracted Sandra? Confidence, intelligence, and high social status.

Social status is contextual.

but whatever your skills, women will be attracted to the expertise you demonstrate in your particular area of interest. In other words, if you collect stamps, be the most powerful, high-status stamp collector there is. If you collect garbage, be the most fascinating, knowledgeable, and powerful garbage collector you can be. Women are attracted to men who are the CEO and president of. . . themselves.

We’re not talking about arrogance, however. There is a big difference between confidence and arrogance. Confidence will attract a woman. Arrogance will repel her faster than you can say, “Help me shave my back.” Confidence comes from being secure in your abilities. Arrogance actually comes from being insecure in your abilities.

there are a few nonverbal cues you can send that will make you appear to be confident, intelligent, and high status.

Don’t, however, let the word “attractive” fool you. Attractive is not just about physical features—it is also about your nonverbal cues that let a woman know you are high status, a protector, a provider.

So, what physical features do women find most attractive in a man? The answer is symmetry. That’s right, symmetry.

The men who were successful were space maximizers, showing their dominance in the social setting by stretching out their legs, throwing an arm around their chair, or otherwise owning the space they occupied.

If you are in a group of people and are practically hugging yourself, you are not going to be seen as socially dominant.

Never stand with one arm across your torso holding onto your other arm or crossing your legs at the knee—you might be comfortable, but from an evolutionary perspective, you can kiss your offspring goodbye.

Social dominance is also shown by what researchers call intragender touching. This amounts to something as simple as you slapping your buddy on the back or throwing an arm around his shoulders, mano a mano. This signals social dominance and w...

women are attracted to confidence.

Acording to research by Fhionna Moore, PhD, from the University of Dundee, women find low-stress men much more attractive than men with higher levels of cortisol (a stress hormone).

Apparently remaining calm is another one of those evolutionary advantages that women are very attracted to.

If she wants you, she will put a bid in your direction. The most common bid is direct eye contact. A smile. Repeatedly glancing at you and away from you. These are the signals; what you do with them is up to you.

thinking that she will suddenly become interested once she finds out how fascinating, rich, or muscular they are.

The point isn’t to keep knocking on doors to find out who’s attracted to you; the point is to make yourself as universally attractive as possible.

And attractive, as we’ve discussed earlier, has many, many components. Women find funny men more attractive, because humor is an indicator of intelligence. Women don’t like meekness in a man, either, because meekness makes men seem less confident and less ambitious, and therefore weaker from an evolutionary perspective.

If she doesn’t want you, you don’t want her. Mutual attraction is the only attraction worth having.

As John’s mother used to say, every pot has a lid, and all you can do is become the best, most attractive pot you can be. Your lid is waiting.

Women are attracted to confidence and high status. Become the best “you” possible and exhibit the nonverbal behaviors that indicate social dominance, such as space maximization, male-to-male touching, relaxation, and looking into her eyes and smiling. Avoid fidgeting, poor posture, folding your arms across your chest, or crossing your legs at the knee.

women control whether or not a man approaches her by giving nonverbal cues.

We already discussed that the number one thing a woman is looking for in a man is trustworthiness, and that this means that you simply are who you say you are and you do what you say you are going to do.

John failed during his first date with Linda because he didn’t show up as himself and because in all of his planning of the date he never once considered the date from Linda’s point of view.

Women are impressed with a guy who has emotional energy, who is passionate about whatever he’s talking about, and who asks questions and really listens to the answers.

Every woman has a story and your job is to invite her to tell that story. Ask her questions about her work, her life, and her interests, and keep it positive.

A Hero will follow up with deeper questions: “What made you decide to go into law? What do you love about it?”

Open-ended questions are answered with more than a word or two; they can’t be answered with a simple yes or no.

During this first conversation (and all future conversations), look into her eyes while she’s speaking.

study by psychologists from Clark University had strangers gaze into each other’s eyes for 2 minutes. This mutual eye gazing produced rapid and dramatically increased feelings of intimacy and affection among the strangers.

Another point to consider during this first conversation is the tone of your voice.

lower-pitched voices in men are considered more attractive to women, and also that men with deep voices have more children.

the candidate with the lower voice won the popular vote.

Try to speak at your fundamental frequency. To find your fundamental frequency, stand in the shower and use your thumb and index finger to lightly pinch the bridge of your nose. Now hum, varying the frequency. Your fundamental frequency causes the bones of your nose to vibrate the most.

Anxiety makes the pitch of your voice rise. Speaking naturally within your fundamental frequency, you are more likely to get her interest and get the date.

Undivided attention is a powerful aphrodisiac.

Just pay attention to her words and her body language, and you’ll start getting the social bonding going.

The next step is obvious: Ask for her phone number or ask her out on a date. And when you do ask, if it’s appropriate, touch her forearm while you do it. Research shows greater compliance to a request if you have “light tactile contact.”5 So touch her forearm for 1 to 2 seconds while you are asking for a dance, or her number, or a date. It’s another way of indicating your social status and confidence. Remember that it’s a light touch—gentle and brief contact. Don’t hold her arm in a death grip until she complies or come across as overly familiar.

Researchers at Duke University found that CEOs with lower voices manage bigger companies and, as a result, make more money. The research specifically found that a decrease in voice pitch of 22.1 hertz translates to an increase in company size of $440 million in assets. They also found that CEOs with lower-pitched voices earned an average of $187,000 a year more than CEOs with higher-pitched voices.