The Man's Guide to Women: Scientifically Proven Secrets from the Love Lab About What Women Really Want

by John M. Gottman

We’ll let you in on a little secret. Riding a roller coaster, bungee jumping, or doing something else adventurous with a little bit of fear mixed in can be helpful on your date. The physiological response to fear is quite similar to the physiological response to arousal. The right amygdala—the part of the brain where you most experience fear—is also one part of the brain where you experience sexual arousal.

So do something exciting and adventurous together on your date—arouse your central nervous systems and arouse each other.

Now there’s a fine line between interrogation and conversation, so be sure to really listen, rather than have it seem like you are checking off a list of questions like it’s a job interview.

Unlike men, women are much more geared for collaboration, not competition, so if you are discussing something and you have opposing viewpoints, don’t tell her she is wrong. You can say, “That’s interesting. Tell me more.”

Don’t talk about ex-girlfriends. Don’t tell stories that turn you into a victim. Talk about who you are and what you think about where you are going in life.

Insecurity is an attraction killer every time, and nothing will drop you into the friend zone faster.

Briefly touch her forearm when you ask her to dance, ask for her number, or ask her on a date.

A woman’s sense of smell is stronger than a man’s (estrogen is the culprit), and that’s why women can detect odors far more acutely than men do.

Your smell matters. Some of how you smell is under your control. Showers. Deodorant. Clean socks. They matter.

Pheromones are powerful biology, driving us toward those who are the best genetic fit for reproduction. That’s why a girl will think her brother smells awful, while he may smell great to his girlfriend. Pheromones are a two-way street, and just as you will smell good to some women and not to others, some women will just smell right to you and some won’t. It’s not personal; it’s biology.

gay men preferred the odor of other gay men, while straight men preferred the odor of women. The women in the study also chose the odor of straight men over gay men.2 More proof that your sense of smell is a powerful reproductive tool.

Now, we don’t want to freak you out or add any dating pressure, but the truth is, a woman always, always remembers the first kiss. Clumsy or passionate. Tender or aggressive. Juicy or dry. Foreheads or noses knocking. Who turned their face to the right, who turned to the left. Sounds and smells. A woman remembers it all. And the first kiss matters.

Nothing is more of a mood killer than a man who asks for permission. “May I kiss you now?” It’s polite, but it’s not likely to ignite any chemical cocktails in her brain. Instead, read her nonverbal signals to know if it’s the right moment.

You can tell if a woman wants you to kiss her. When she’s interested, she will give most of her attention to your eyes and lips. She may lick her own lips or bite down on her bottom lip. Look into her eyes. Look at her lips. See if she’s smiling. She may not go for the kiss herself (no romance novel cover has the woman bending the man backward to kiss him), but she will send the signal when she wants you to go for it.

Move your face a bit closer to hers and see if she moves back or stays where she is. If she leans away, you may be reading the signals wrong. If she stays where she is or moves in a little closer herself, then it’s time.

BUILD ANTICIPATION. Touch her face. Stroke her hair. Move your lips closer to hers and let them hover a bit so she feels your breath on hers

Stroke her face or her hair.

The first kiss is probably not the time to go for her breasts.

A woman will remember a first kiss more than she will remember losing her virginity and other big life moments. Make that kiss one worth remembering.

the group that had inhaled the oxytocin showed a decrease in activity in the part of the brain that is responsible for fear—the amygdala.

Oxytocin has the power to cause bad decision making that can harm not only your wallet, but also your heart.

So when you are deciding if she’s more than a hookup, make sure it’s you in control of your thinking and not just the oxytocin receptors getting flooded in your amygdala, making you fearless.

Research shows that whether or not people experienced close and loving relationships with their parents or caregivers early in life has a profound influence on their relationships later in life.

So does this mean you should only get involved with women who had close and loving caregivers from birth to toddlerhood? Of course not. If perfect early caregivers were the criteria for a relationship, the population would die out. None of us had perfect parents. But it is good to look at how these early imprints can affect both how you are in a relationship and how your partner is in a relationship.

Your early childhood experiences can also affect whom you choose as a partner. Even infants already show a preference for faces that look like their caregivers. Sometimes your choice of a mate will end up being someone who has the character traits of your primary caregiver. For better or worse, your brain is trying to re-create those very first imprints.

In the early 1900s, Konrad Lorenz became the first scientist to study imprinting. He was a naturalist who discovered that when young ducklings and goslings hatched, they would become attached to the first moving object they saw. Now normally this would be their mother, but Lorenz was able to get the birds to attach to him and even to inanimate objects like rain boots and an electric train. These birds formed a bond with whatever was in front of them during the critical period after their birth. Lorenz became their parent, and once they were attached, they couldn’t be dissuaded. Much to Lorenz’s surprise, when these ducks and geese grew up they would court and try to mate with humans, including Lorenz, rather than with other ducks and geese.

Imprint

Watch how your romantic partner treats her pets, friends, and family, and you’ll get a good idea about how she will treat you in a relationship. Step back and try to observe her as objectively as you can. Is she kind? Is she respectful? Is she patient? Does she show compassion, is she considerate, or is she self-centered? Knowing her true profile means knowing her heart and mind, as well as her body. Do you trust her? Do you feel a sense of ease in interactions with her? Can you laugh together easily? Do you get her sense of humor? Does she get yours? If you do not know her well enough to answer these questions, or if you do not understand her well, your future relationship with her could get complicated—really complicated.

A great relationship is a mix of heart, mind, and body,

Does she dwell on her physical ailments, personal traumas, or family woes? Now, in the course of dating and getting to know each other, you will share your personal histories, and most personal histories do include some painful things. But the question is, does she derive her identity from her trauma? Does she seem to relish the role of being a victim, or does she talk about what she’s learned from past mistakes, heartaches, or traumas? There’s a big difference between the two. If she feels that everyone in her life has let her down, then you could be the next name on that list.

The most important question to ask yourself about the woman you want to date or have a relationship with is this: How does she make you feel when you are with her? Is there a sense of ease in relating and laughing that makes you feel like you’ve somehow come home? Do you feel energized and happy? Are you able to talk endlessly and communicate well? Do you have the same values? Do you want to know everything about her and bring her to meet your friends and family? Does she make you feel good about yourself? Does she bring out your inner Hero?

Men adore the female body. It’s soft. It’s smooth. It has endless curves to roam your hands up and down. Let’s be perfectly honest: Men crave a woman’s body and never get tired of looking at a woman’s body. And when that body belongs to your woman, you let her know how much you love her body, over and over again. If you don’t, you should.

A Hero lets a woman know through small comments just how great she looks in that color dress or how amazing her shoulder looks with the light hitting it just that way. Heroes tell a woman how beautiful her face looks in the moonlight and how gorgeous her smile is. A Hero will tell a woman how stunning she looks nursing the baby or how pretty she is first thing in the morning, with sleep still in her eyes and a face free of makeup. A Hero tells a woman how wonderful it feels to make love to her and shows her just how much he loves every part of her.

The end result is that most women have a painful relationship with the image they see in the mirror.

The real response to this question—the Hero’s response to this question—is this: “You are beautiful no matter what you wear.” That’s it. There is no other answer.

A woman doesn’t see herself separately from her body, and therefore she often defines her worth in terms of her body.

If she feels like her body is ugly, she’s not going to feel good about herself as a person.

Men are measured by their prowess, success, performance, and ability to be effective in their chosen field or occupation.

Nothing cuts deeper for a woman than criticism of the way she looks. The man every woman wants never does this.

A woman’s self-esteem is heavily dependent on her own appraisal of her body.

You can’t single-handedly fight a societally imposed impossible standard of beauty—not even the most heroic of men can do that—but you can help her feel beautiful in the mirror of your eyes.

She will feel beautiful if you only have eyes for her when you are with her. She will feel beautiful if you show her she’s beautiful by loving every part of her with your eyes, your hands, and your lips.

Also, when a society is well fed, thinness denotes self-control or an ethereal abstinence that appears saintly. So thinness became chic in the 1920s, when the industrial revolution was booming and the middle class was well fed and growing.

Apparently sex therapists are an attractive bunch.

Most men evaluated their own erections and thought they were inadequate.

Think about the preoccupation that most men have with the size, shape, and acceptability of their penises and imagine that you felt this insecure about every aspect of your body. Now you have some understanding of how most women feel about their bodies, all the time.

The most important part of being a great lover, of being her best ever, is letting her feel your loving appreciation for her body in and out of bed.

A woman’s desire is dependent on her feeling desirable.

Lovemaking starts long before you get into bed—lovemaking begins with your words, your smiles, and your gaze. To put it another way, the greatest sex organ a woman has is her mind. Make her feel your attraction to her, your passion for her, your devotion to her, and you will be a great lover before you raise a finger, flick your tongue, or make your first thrust.

Let her know she is beautiful exactly as she is.

A woman’s relationship with her body is fragile, and even one “joke” or mean comment about her weight, size, or attractiveness can cut deeply. Heroes never criticize a woman’s body.