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Started reading
June 5, 2025
what the listener is thinking; or
whether the listener would be willing to take a particular action.
In a group, much time is wasted when speakers aren’t certain what response they’re wanting.
When the other person hears a demand from us, they see two options: to submit or to rebel.
To tell if it’s a demand or a request, observe what the speaker does if the request is not complied with.
It’s a demand if the speaker then criticizes or judges.
This leads to a self-fulfilling prophecy, for the more people hear demands, the less they enjoy being around us.
It’s a demand if the speaker then lays a guilt trip.
We can help others trust that we are requesting, not demanding, by indicating that we would only want them to comply if they can do so willingly.
It’s a request if the speaker then shows empathy toward the other person’s needs.
Choosing to request rather than demand does not mean we give up when someone says no to our request. It does mean that we don’t engage in persuasion until we have empathized with what’s preventing the other person from saying yes.
The objective of NVC is to establish a relationship based on honesty and empathy.
Our objective is a relationship based on honesty and empathy.
I could see that this woman was not yet able to distinguish between expressing requests and making demands.
During the initial phases of learning this process, we may find ourselves applying the components of NVC mechanically without awareness of the underlying purpose.
This is particularly true when we occupy positions of authority and are speaking with those who have had past experiences with coercive authority figures.
When we give people labels, we tend to act in a way that contributes to the very behavior that concerns us, which we then view as further confirmation of our diagnosis.
I believe people can enjoy each other a lot better if they can say what they would like without bossing others around.
In certain situations, such as this one, it may take awhile for our requests to be clearly seen for what they are.
When we frame our needs with these thoughts, we are bound to judge others when they don’t do as we request.
Because it seems to me that you didn’t see me as human too until all your standards were met.
The fourth component of NVC addresses the question of what we would like to request of each other to enrich each of our lives. We
Each time we speak, the clearer we are about what we want back, the more likely we are to get it.
The objective of NVC is not to change people and their behavior in order to get our way; it is to establish relationships based on honesty and empathy that will eventually fulfill everyone’s needs.
he maintained awareness of his commitment to the quality of the relationship, regardless of Burt’s response. He expressed this awareness and his respect for Burt’s need for autonomy through his words, “I’ll still like you,”
The last four chapters described the four components of NVC: what we are observing, feeling, and needing, and what we would like to request to enrich our lives.
to hearing what others are observing, feeling, needing, and requesting. We refer to this part of the communication process as receiving empathically.
expressing honestly 2. receiving empathically
But the hearing of the spirit is not limited to any one faculty, to the ear, or to the mind.
There is then a direct grasp of what is right there before you that can never be heard with the ear or understood with the mind.”
Empathy: emptying our mind and listening with our whole being
“In spite of all similarities, every living situation has, like a newborn child, a new face, that has never been before and will never come again. It demands of you a reaction that cannot be prepared beforehand. It demands nothing of what is past. It demands presence, responsibility; it demands you.”
Empathy,
requires us to focus full attention on the other person’s message. We give to others the time and space they need to express themselves fully and to feel understood.
“Don’t just do something, st...
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Ask before offering advice or reassurance.
It is often frustrating for someone needing empathy to have us assume that they want reassurance or “fix-it” advice.
Advising: “I think you should … ” “How come you didn’t
One-upping: “That’s nothing; wait’ll you hear what happened to me.”
Educating: “This could turn into a very positive experience ...
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Consoling: “It wasn’t your fault; you did the best you could.” Story-telling: “That reminds me of the time … ” Shutting down: “Cheer up. Don’t feel so bad.” Sympathizing: “Oh, you poor thing … ” Interrogating: “When did this begin?” Explaining: “I w...
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Believing we have to “fix” situations and make others feel better prevents us from being present.
such intellectual understanding of a problem blocks the kind of presence that empathy requires.
The key ingredient of empathy is presence: we are wholly present with the other party and what they are experiencing.
it’s helpful to be aware that during the moment we are offering sympathy, we are not empathizing.
Intellectual understanding blocks empathy.
In NVC, no matter what words people use to express themselves, we listen for their observations, feelings, needs, and requests.
No matter what others say, we only hear what they are (1) observing, (2) feeling, (3) needing, and (4) requesting.
“Are you unhappy because you were needing
you’ll find people to be less threatening if you hear what they’re needing rather than what they’re thinking about you.
