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June 5, 2025
“Are you unhappy because you are needing …
Listen to what people are needing rather than what they are thinking.
If, on the other hand, our paraphrase is incorrect, we give the speaker an opportunity to correct us.
Another advantage of choosing to reflect a message back to the other party is that it offers them time to reflect on what they’ve said and an opportunity to delve deeper into themselves.
Questions may focus on these components:
what others are observing:
how others are feeling and the needs generating...
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what others are requesting:
“What did I do that you are referring to?” “How are you feeling?” “Why are you feeling that way?” “What are you wanting me to do about it?”
I’ve found that people feel safer if we first reveal the feelings and needs within ourselves that are generating the question.
“I’m frustrated because I’d like to be clearer about what you are referring to.
When asking for information, first express our own feelings and needs.
How do we determine if an occasion calls for us to reflect people’s messages back to them?
hearing a clear paraphrase will often be more reassuring
connection with another human being who could hear her profound despair.
it is safe to assume that speakers expressing intensely emotional messages would appreciate our reflecting these back to them.
Reflect back messages that are emotionally charged.
his ability to hear feelings and needs had radically transformed his relationship with his father to the point where they now enjoy a close and loving connection.
But thanks to the fact that I no longer hear what he says as an attack, but as his own feelings and needs, our relationship has become enormously wonderful.”
Paraphrase only when it contributes to greater compassion and understanding.
When we paraphrase, the tone of voice we use is highly important.
We begin to feel this bliss when messages previously experienced as critical or blaming begin to be seen for the gifts they are: opportunities to give to people who are in pain.
Behind intimidating messages are merely people appealing to us to meet their needs.
A difficult message becomes an opportunity to enrich someone’s life.
Some people resist paraphrasing as a waste of time.
Paraphrasing tends to save, rather than waste, time. Studies in labor-management negotiations demonstrate that the time required to reach conflict resolution is cut in half when each negotiator agrees, before responding, to accurately repeat what the previous speaker had said.
I recommend allowing others the opportunity to fully express themselves before turning our attention to solutions or requests for relief.
By maintaining our attention on what’s going on within others, we offer them a chance to fully explore and express their interior selves.
we offer them a chance to fully explore and express their interior selves.
When we stay with empathy, we allow speakers to touch deeper levels of themselves.
First, when an individual realizes that everything going on within has received full empathic understanding, they will experience a sense of relief. We can become aware of this phenomenon by noticing a corresponding release of tension in our own body.
A second, even more obvious sign is that the person will stop talking. If we are uncertain as to whether we have stayed long enough in the process, we can always ask, “Is there more that you wanted to say?”
We know a speaker has received adequate empathy when (1) we sense a release of tension, or (2) the flow of words comes to a halt.
It is impossible for us to give something to another if we don’t have it ourselves. Likewise, if we find ourselves unable or unwilling to empathize despite our efforts, it is usually a sign that we are too starved for empathy to be able to offer it to others.
“The more faithfully you listen to the voice within you, the better you will hear what is happening outside.”
If we are able to speak our pain nakedly without blame, I find that even people in distress are sometimes able to hear our need.
I scream nonviolently by calling attention to my own desperate needs and pain in the moment.
our third recourse is to physically remove ourselves from the situation.
We give ourselves time out and the opportunity to acquire the empathy we need to return in a different frame of mind.
Empathy, however, calls upon us to empty our mind and listen to others with our whole being.
We stay with empathy and allow others the opportunity to fully express themselves before we turn our attention to solutions or requests for relief.
We need empathy to give empathy. When we sense ourselves being defensive or unable to empathize, we need to (1) stop, breathe, give ourselves empathy; (2) scream nonviolently; or (3) take time out.
Empathy allows us “to reperceive [our] world in a new way and to go on.”
“Don’t just do something….”
We continued to talk with the students because we could see that the more we listened to them, the better they did in their studies.”
It’s harder to empathize with those who appear to possess more power, status, or resources.
after we empathize with others, because we will then have touched their humanness and realized the common qualities we
The more we empathize with the other party, the safer we feel.
recommend first getting the empathy necessary to go beyond the thoughts occupying our heads and recognize our deeper needs.
We “say a lot” by listening for other people’s feelings and needs.
