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June 5, 2025
is to create an environment in which the parties can connect, express their needs, understand each other’s needs, and arrive at strategies to meet those needs.
The objective is not to get the parties to do what we want them to do.
“So you’re really annoyed, and you need some assurance that you’re going to get your side on the table?”
making sure both parties have the opportunity to express their needs,
However, conflict resolution can only happen right now, so now is where we need to focus.
Use role-play to speed up the mediation process.
it became simple to resolve once the brothers heard each other’s pain and needs as revealed through the role-playing. If
“That’s exactly what I’ve been trying to say!” However, when I started training others in role-playing, I now know that any of us can do it as long as we are in touch with our own needs. No matter what else is going on, we all have the same needs. Needs are universal.
believe the answer to that question is that I know because I am that person. And so are we all.
Nobody gets it right all the time, and that’s fine. If we’re off the mark, the person whom we are playing will let us know one way or another. We are thus offered another opportunity to make a closer guess.
Role-play is simply putting ourselves in the other person’s shoes.
So when both sides are screaming or talking at the same time, I insert myself: “Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me!” I repeat this as loudly and as often as necessary until I regain their attention.
When we are grabbing their attention, we have to be quick. If the person reacts with anger when we interrupt, we can sense that they are in too much pain to hear us.
We might view our role as that of a translator—translating each party’s message so as to be understood by the other.
When I do interrupt, I also check that the speaker feels that I’m translating them accurately. I translate many messages even if I am only guessing,
identifying and expressing feelings, connecting feelings with needs, and making doable requests using clear, concrete, positive action language.
The purpose of interrupting is to restore the process.
mediators require adequate access in order for both parties to express, and then receive each other’s needs.
I work with each party separately while playing the role of the other side. If there are two people in our own lives who are in too much pain to be willing to meet, this would be an option for us to consider.
With the increased trust that came from hearing himself understood, he later agreed to come in so we could work together until the two of them found ways of meeting their needs in mutually respectful ways.
the first thing we do is to empathize with the needs of the person who is behaving in the way we dislike.
We need to be well practiced at hearing the need in any message.
we need to have developed an extensive literacy regarding needs, and be well practiced at hearing the need in any message,
And we need to be practiced in verbal empathy such that the people sense that we are connected with their need.
We refrain, however, from mentioning our own needs regarding the person’s behavior until it is clear to them that we understand and care about his or her needs.
I was, it come to me: that feeling of being part of everything, not separate at all. I knew that if I cut a tree, my arm would bleed.”
When scarcity thinking then gets mixed with right-and-wrong thinking, any of us can become militant and violent, and blinded to even the most obvious solutions.
we concentrate foremost on identifying the needs of both parties, and only then seek strategies to fulfill those needs.
We start by forging a human connection between the parties in conflict. Then we ensure that both parties have the opportunity to fully express their needs, that they carefully listen to the other person’s needs, and that once the needs have been heard, they clearly express doable action steps to meet those needs. We avoid judging or analyzing the conflict and instead remain focused on needs.
We do not hear “no” as a rejection but rather as an expression of the need that is keeping the person from saying “yes.” Only after all needs have been mutually heard, do we progress to the solutions stage: making doable requests using positive, action language.
NVC requires us to differentiate between the protective and the punitive uses of force.
When we exercise the protective use of force, we are focusing on the life or rights we want to protect,
Ignorance includes (1) a lack of awareness of the consequences of our actions, (2) an inability to see how our needs may be met without injury to others, (3) the belief that we have the right to punish or hurt others because they “deserve” it, and (4) delusional thinking that involves, for example, hearing a voice that instructs us to kill someone.
The intention behind the protective use of force is only to protect, not to punish, blame, or condemn.
Fear of corporal punishment obscures children’s awareness of the compassion underlying their parents’ demands.
other uses of force also qualify as punishment. One is the use of blame to discredit another person;
Another form of punitive force is the withholding of some means of gratification,
the withdrawal of caring or respect is one of the most powerful threats of all.
Punishment also includes judgmental labeling and the withholding of privileges.
Self-esteem is also diminished when punitive force is used.
The more we are seen as agents of punishment, the harder it is for others to respond compassionately to our needs.
When we fear punishment, we focus on consequences, not on our own values. Fear of punishment diminishes self-esteem and goodwill.
In such situations, I recommend first empathizing with the child who is behaving violently.
I’d like you to tell me if you’d be willing to explore with me some other ways to get the respect you’re wanting.”
What do I want this person to do that’s different from what he or she is currently doing?
What do I want this person’s reasons to be for doing what I’m asking?
Often children clean their rooms motivated by obedience to authority
Question 1: What do I want this person to do? Question 2: What do I want this person’s reasons to be for doing it?
(This is a second attempt to receive the feelings and wants.)
You’d like them to do something. (This is a continued attempt to fully understand.)
