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June 5, 2025
When you make the connection, the problem usually solves itself.
First, we express our own needs. Second, we search for the real needs of the other person, no matter how they are expressing themselves. If they are not expressing a need, but instead an opinion, judgment, or analysis, we recognize that, and continue to seek the need behind their words, the need underneath what they are saying. Third, we verify that we both accurately recognize the other person’s
needs, and if not, continue to seek the need behind their words. Fourth, we provide as much empathy as is required for us to mutually hear each other’s needs accurately. And fifth, having clarified both parties’ needs in the situation, we propose strategies for resolving the conflict, framing them in positive action language.
Avoid the use of language that implies wrongness.
It is important, when resolving conflicts, that we can clearly recognize the difference between needs and strategies.
needs contain no reference to anybody taking any particular action.
strategies, which may appear in the form of requests, desires, wants, and “solutions,” refer to specific actions that specific people may take.
Let’s begin with each of you expressing whatever needs of yours aren’t being fulfilled in your relationship. Once you understand each other’s needs, I’m confident we can work on strategies to meet those needs.”
analyses that imply wrongness are essentially tragic expressions of unmet needs.
but only through truly acknowledging and appreciating each other’s needs were they finally able to begin the process of exploring strategies to address their long-standing conflicts.
Intellectual analysis is often received as criticism.
To resolve conflicts using NVC, we need to train ourselves to hear people expressing needs regardless of how they do the expressing.
The message might take the form of silence, denial, a judgmental remark, a gesture—or, hopefully, a request. We hone our skills to hear the need within every message, even if at first we have to rely on guesses.
Once we sense what the other person needs, we can check in with them, and then help them put their need into words.
If we are able to truly hear their need, a new level of connection is forged—a critical piece that moves the conflict toward successful resolution.
Learn to hear needs regardless of how people express them.
once each side can state the other side’s needs, it would take no more than twenty minutes for the conflict to come to a resolution. Once
Even if she had been accurate in guessing her husband’s strategy, she had nowhere identified his need.
Criticism and diagnosis get in the way of peaceful resolution of conflicts.
When either side hears itself criticized, diagnosed, or interpreted, the energy of the situation will likely turn toward self-defense and counter-accusations rather than toward resolution.
“Are you feeling scared because you have a need to protect your family economically?”
In fact, when we reflect back incorrect guesses to others, it may help them get in touch with their true needs. It takes them out of analysis toward greater connection to life.
Have the Needs Been Heard?
The next step is to ascertain that the wife heard that need. This is a crucial stage in conflict resolution.
“Can you tell me back what you heard to be your husband’s needs in this situation?”
“I’d like to tell you what I heard your husband say, and I’d like you to repeat it back.
When people are upset, they often need empathy before they can hear what is being said to them.
reassured that their pain is being recognized and understood.
Just as we are not trained to express our own needs, most of us have not been trained in hearing the needs of others.
Once both parties have connected with each other’s needs, the next step is to arrive at strategies that meet those needs.
The process of resolving conflict has to end with actions that meet everybody’s needs.
A present language statement refers to what is wanted at this moment.
The use of a present language request that begins with “Would you be willing to
We can further clarify the request by indicating what we may want from the other person in the present moment,
Talking about what one doesn’t want can easily create confusion and resistance among conflicting parties.
Action language requires the use of action verbs, while also avoiding language that obscures, or language that can readily be inferred as an attack.
What do you want from your partner in order to meet your need for understanding?”
Action language requires the use of action verbs.
I suggest instead the use of action verbs to capture something that we can see or hear happening—something that can be recorded with a video camera.
we ask the person to take an action that we ourselves can see or hear.
Non–action language, such as “Give me the freedom to grow” often exacerbates conflict.
that no matter what she did, it was okay.
she recognized that what she wanted did not leave him much freedom to be himself and to have his choices respected.
Maintaining respect is a key element in successful conflict resolution.
This is very different from a resolution in which everyone’s needs are met and nobody experiences loss.
When they say “no,” they’re saying they have a need that keeps them from saying “yes” to what we are asking. If
a good place to start might be to assure the people in conflict that we are not there to take sides, but to support them in hearing each other,
if the parties follow the steps of NVC, both of their needs will be met in the end.
the objective is not to get the other person to do what we want them to do. This also applies to mediating someone else’s conflict.
we need to remember that we are not here to accomplish our own goals.
