Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships (Nonviolent Communication Guides)

by Marshall B. Rosenberg

Stage 1: In this stage, which I refer to as emotional slavery, we believe ourselves responsible for the feelings of others.

This can easily lead us to see the very people who are closest to us as burdens.

This response is common among those who experience love as denial of one’s own needs in order to attend to the needs of the beloved.

Eventually, however, as the relationship becomes “serious,” partners may begin to assume responsibility for each other’s feelings.

First stage: Emotional slavery. We see ourselves responsible for others’ feelings.

my partner would do well to reject the notion that there is anything wrong with her needs.

You sense your freedom closing down because you think you constantly have to take care of me.”

In this stage, we become aware of the high costs of assuming responsibility for others’ feelings and trying to accommodate them at our own expense.

We are clear what we are not responsible for, but have yet to learn how to be responsible to others in a way that is not emotionally enslaving.

Second stage: The obnoxious stage. We feel angry; we no longer want to be responsible for others’ feelings.

in the obnoxious stage, we have yet to grasp that emotional liberation entails more than simply asserting our own needs.

Marla had graduated from emotional slavery to obnoxiousness!

Surely she had yet to assert her needs comfortably and in a way that respected the needs of others, but I trusted this would occur in time.

At the third stage, emotional liberation, we respond to the needs of others out of compassion, never ...

Emotional liberation involves stating clearly what we need in a way that communicates we are equally concerned that the needs of others be fulfilled. NVC is designed to support us in relating at this level.

Third stage: Emotional liberation. We take responsibility for our intentions and actions.

What others say and do may be the stimulus for, but never the cause of, our feelings.

When someone communicates negatively, we have four options as to how to receive the message: (1) blame ourselves, (2) blame others, (3) sense our own feelings and needs, (4) sense the feelings and needs hidden in the other person’s negative message.

Judgments, criticisms, diagnoses, and interpretations of others are all alienated expressions ...

The more directly we can connect our feelings to our needs, the easier it is for others t...

In a world where we are often harshly judged for identifying and revealing our needs, doing so can be very frightening, especially for women who are socialized to ig...

In the course of developing emotional responsibility, most of us experience three stages: (1) “emotional slavery”—believing ourselves responsible for the feelings of others, (2) “the obnoxious stage”—in which we refuse to admit to caring what anyone else feels or needs, and (3) “emotional liberation”—in which we accept full responsibility for our own feelings but not the fe...

“What we need to do in this country is bring back the stigma of illegitimacy!”

when there is a mixture of feelings present, the speaker will return to those that have not received empathic attention.

the flow of compassion will continue as each feeling comes up again in its turn.

expressing disagreement in a way that met her needs for honesty and mutual respect.

which address what we are observing, feeling, and needing. We have learned to do this without criticizing, analyzing, blaming, or diagnosing others,

The fourth and final component of this process addresses what we would like to request of others in order to enrich life for us.

First of all, we express what we are requesting rather than what we are not requesting.

People are often confused as to what is actually being requested, and furthermore, negative requests are likely to provoke resistance.

Use positive language when making requests.

when I only identify what I don’t want to do, without clarifying what I do want to do.

In addition to using positive language, we also want to word our requests in the form of concrete actions that others can undertake and to avoid vague, abstract, or ambiguous phrasing.

Making requests in clear, positive, concrete action language reveals what we really want.

Vague language contributes to internal confusion.

Depression is the reward we get for being “good.”

When we simply express our feelings, it may not be clear to the listener what we want them to do.

We are often not conscious of what we are requesting.

Requests may sound like demands when unaccompanied by the speaker’s feelings and needs.

My belief is that, whenever we say something to another person, we are requesting something in return.

an empathic connection—a verbal or nonverbal acknowledgment, as with the man on the train, that our words have been understood. Or we may be requesting honesty: we wish to know the listener’s honest reaction to our words.

The clearer we are about what we want, the more likely it is that we’ll get it.

On some occasions, a simple question like, “Is that clear?”

To make sure the message we sent is the message that’s received, ask the listener to reflect it back.

Express appreciation when your listener tries to meet your request for a reflection.

checking out whether we’ve expressed ourselves clearly.

Are you saying you’re feeling annoyed because you want respect for your ability to understand things?”

Empathize with the listener who doesn’t want to reflect back.

“I would like you to tell me how you feel about what I just said, and your reasons for feeling as you do.”

After we express ourselves vulnerably, we often want to know (1) what the listener is feeling;