Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships (Nonviolent Communication Guides)

by Marshall B. Rosenberg

delighted eager ebullient ecstatic effervescent elated enchanted encouraged energetic engrossed enlivened enthusiastic excited exhilarated expansive expectant exu...

gleeful glorious glowing good-humored grateful gratified happy helpful hopeful inquisitive inspired intense interested intrigued invigorated involved joyous, ...

mirthful moved optimistic overjoyed overwhelmed peaceful perky pleasant pleased proud quiet radiant rapturous refreshed relaxed relieved satisfied se...

stimulated surprised tender thankful thrilled touched tranquil trusting upbeat warm wide-awake wonderful zestful How we are likely to feel when our needs are not being met afraid ...

annoyed anxious apathetic apprehensive aroused ashamed beat bewildered bitter blah blue bored brokenhearted chagrined cold concerned confused ...

despondent detached disaffected disappointed discouraged disenchanted disgruntled disgusted disheartened dismayed displeased disquieted distressed disturbed downcast downhearted dull...

fatigued fearful fidgety forlorn frightened frustrated furious gloomy guilty harried heavy helpless hesitant horrible horrified hostile hot hu...

irate irked irritated jealous jittery keyed-up lazy leery lethargic listless lonely mad mean miserable mopey morose mournful nerv...

passive perplexed pessimistic puzzled rancorous reluctant repelled resentful restless sad scared sensitive shaky shocked skeptical sleepy sorrowful sorr...

tepid terrified tired troubled uncomfortable unconcerned uneasy unglued unhappy unnerved unsteady upset uptight vexed weary wistf...

By developing a vocabulary of feelings that allows us to clearly and specifically name or identify our emotions, we can connect more easily with one another. Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable by expressing our feelings can help resolve conflicts. NVC distinguishes the expression of actual feelings from words and statements that describe thoughts, assessments, and interpretations.

The third component of NVC entails the acknowledgment of the root of our feelings. NVC heightens our awareness that what others say and do may be the stimulus, but never the cause, of our feelings.

We see that our feelings result from how we choose to receive what others say and do, as well as from our particular needs and expectations in that moment.

What others do may be the stimulus of our feelings, but not the cause.

gives us a negative message, whether verbally or nonverbally, we have four options as to how to receive it. One option is to take it personally by hearing blame and criticism.

We accept the other person’s judgment and blame ourselves. We choose this option at great cost to our self-esteem, for it inclines us toward feelings of guilt, shame, and depression.

Four options for receiving negative messages: 1. blame ourselves.

When we receive messages this way, and blame the speaker, we are likely to feel anger.

2. blame others.

3. sense our own feelings and needs.

receiving a negative message is to shine the light of consciousness on the other person’s feelings and needs as they are currently expressed.

4. sense others’ feelings and needs.

We accept responsibility for our feelings, rather than blame other people, by acknowledging our own needs, desires, expectations, values, or thoughts.

accepts responsibility for her feeling by acknowledging the thought behind

we would urge this speaker to go a step further by identifying what she is wanting: what need, desire, expectation, hope, or value of hers has not been fulfilled?

the more we are able to connect our feelings to our own needs, the easier it is for others to respond compassionately.

recognize a number of common speech patterns that tend to mask accountability for our own feelings:

Use of impersonal pronouns such as it and that:

The use of the expression “I feel (an emotion)

Statements that mention only the actions of others:

“I feel angry

Connect your feeling with your need: “I feel … because I need …”

if children who assume this kind of responsibility change their behavior in accordance with parental wishes, they are not acting from the heart, but acting to avoid guilt.

Distinguish between giving from the heart and being motivated by guilt.

Judgments, criticisms, diagnoses, and interpretations of others are all alienated expressions of our needs.

Judgments of others are alienated expressions of our own unmet needs.

If we express our needs, we have a better chance of getting them met.

We are accustomed to thinking about what’s wrong with other people when our needs aren’t being fulfilled.

again that from the moment people begin talking about what they need rather than what’s wrong with one another, the possibility of finding ways to meet everybody’s needs is greatly increased.

some of the basic human needs we all share:

to choose one’s dreams, goals, values to choose one’s plan for fulfilling one’s dreams, goals, values Celebration to celebrate the creation of life and dreams fulfilled to celebrate losses: loved ones, dr...

meaning self-worth Interdependence acceptance appreciation closeness community consideration contribution to the enrichment of life (to exercise one’s power by giving that which contributes to life) emotional safety empathy honesty (the empowering honesty that enables us to learn ...

warmth Play fun laughter Spiritual Communion beauty harmony inspiration order peace Physical Nurturance air food movement, exercise protection from life-threatening forms of life: viruses, bacteria, insects...

In a world where we’re often judged harshly for identifying and revealing our needs, doing so can be very frightening.

In the end the speaker is again persuaded that her needs don’t matter, not realizing that they were expressed in a way unlikely to draw a positive response.

If we don’t value our needs, others may not either.

I was angry with your father for not meeting my needs, and now I realize that I never once clearly told him what I needed.”

Eventually she grew to fear that asking for what she needed would only lead to disapproval and judgment.

Her story poignantly reveals how painful it can be when people don’t openly acknowledge their needs.

most of us experience three stages in the way we relate to others.