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March 29 - April 7, 2023
Good management is the art of making problems so interesting and their solutions so constructive that everyone wants to get to work and deal with them.
Most people upshift when they want to get through to other people. They persuade. They encourage. They argue. They push. And in the process, they create resistance. When you use the techniques I offer, you’ll do exactly the opposite—you’ll listen, ask, mirror, and reflect back to people what you’ve heard. When
you do, they will feel seen, understood, and felt—and that unexpected downshift will draw them to you.
‘I’ll bet you feel that nobody knows what it’s like to have tried everything else and be stuck with this as your only way out, isn’t that true?’”
“Yeah, and I’ll bet you feel that nobody knows what it’s like to start every day believing that there’s more chance that something will go wrong than go right, isn’t that true, too?”
■ From resisting to listening ■ From listening to considering ■ From considering to willing to do ■ From willing to do to doing ■ From doing to glad they did and continuing to do.
“the secret of getting through to absolutely anyone,” is that you get through to people by having them “buy in.” “Buy-in” occurs when people move from “resisting” to “listening” to “considering” what you’re saying.
Then I said to him, ‘I’ll bet you feel that none of us know what it’s like to be told you’re smart and not be able to use your intelligence to perform well. Isn’t that so?’
‘And I’ll bet sometimes you wish you weren’t so smart, so we wouldn’t have all these expectations of you and be on your case all the time about not trying harder, isn’t that true too?’ He started to cry . . . and my eyes began to water up. Then I asked him, ‘How bad does it get for you?’”
“I’ve got to tell you that I’m really very disappointed”—at which point both groups steeled themselves, preparing to take a tongue lashing—“I’m very disappointed in how I’ve jumped on all of you and then have been closed off to input from all of you, when you’ve steadfastly been trying to protect this company and me from me. I didn’t want to listen, but I’m listening now.”
The lower reptilian brain is the “fight-or-flight” part of your brain. This region of your brain is all about acting and reacting, without a lot of thinking going on. It can also leave you frozen in a perceived crisis—the “deer-in-the-headlights” response. ■ The middle mammal brain is the seat of your emotions. (Call it your inner drama queen.) It’s where powerful feelings—love, joy, sadness, anger, grief, jealousy, pleasure—arise. ■ The upper or primate brain is like Star Trek’s Mr. Spock: It’s the part that weighs a situation logically and rationally and generates a conscious plan of action.
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“Tiger, you’ve been here before. Just do what you need to do.”
I decided on the latter. And with that conclusion, I let go of what I knew to be the truth and said with full sincerity: “Jack, I believe you.”
“insane and wrong” is a heck of a lonely place to be.
Understanding a person’s hunger and responding to it is one of the most potent tools you’ll ever discover for getting through to anyone you meet in business or your personal life.
He would literally be in mid-sentence, stop himself, and say: “You’ve heard enough for now. Let’s take a break and resume in ten minutes.”
And you’ll meet some people who don’t give a damn if you mirror their feelings or not, because they’re sociopaths or narcissists who only care about you doing what they want—which is why this book also includes techniques for dealing with bullies and jerks.
“When bad things happen, if you resist the temptation to do anything that will make matters worse, you will discover valuable things about your company and yourself that you would never have learned had you not taken the hit.”
Mastering the art of controlling yourself will change your life, because it’ll keep you from being your own worst enemy when it comes to reaching other people in stressful situations.
So the first and most important rule for taking control in a stressful situation is this: get yourself under control first.
“Oh F#@&” (The Reaction Phase): This is a disaster, I’m screwed, what the hell just happened, I can’t fix this, it’s all over. “Oh God” (The Release Phase): Oh my God, this is a huge mess and I’m going to get stuck with cleaning it up. Sh#%—this stuff always happens to me. “Oh Jeez” (The Recenter Phase): Alright, I can fix this.
But it’s not going to be fun. “Oh Well” (The Refocus Stage): I’m not going to let this ruin my life/my career/my day/this relationship, and here is what I need to do right now to make it better. “OK” (The Reengage Phase): I’m ready to fix this.
you can think your way through to the possible solution that quickly.
One absolutely crucial element in moving your brain from panic to logic is to put words to what you’re feeling at each stage.
“Oh F#@&” (The Reaction Phase): Do NOT deny that you’re upset and afraid. Instead, identify your feelings and acknowledge them, silently using words to describe your feelings. (“I’m really scared. I’m so afraid I could lose my job over this.”) Say this out loud if you’re alone, because the physical act of exhaling as you speak will help to calm you. If you’re in a position where you can get away for a minute or two, do so. If not, do not talk to anyone else during these first few seconds. You need to focus entirely on acknowledging and working up from your anger or panic. If you’re in a
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However, if you rehearse these steps in your mind and then use them in real life, you’ll get better and faster each time. Give it six months, and you’ll find that in the most stressful of situations, you’re the one who takes charge and makes the right things happen.
And all that’s true. But the problem is that while you’re hearing, you’re not listening, no matter how good your intentions and how hard you try. The reason: your brain won’t let you.
The problem is that while we think our first impressions of people are grounded solely in logic, they’re not. In reality, they’re a jumbled mix of conscious and unconscious truth, fiction, and prejudice. Thus, from the very start, we’re dealing with a fictitious creation—not a real person.
Perceiving is believing. Misperceiving is deceiving— And worse yet, prevents achieving.
The solution? Think about what you’re thinking. When you consciously analyze the ideas you’ve formed about a person and weigh these perceptions against reality, you can rewire your brain and build new, more accurate perceptions. Then you’ll be communicating with the person who’s really in front of you—not the fictitious character conjured up by your false perceptions.
“He is absolutely right. I supplied a house, but she gave me a home. Without her I wouldn’t belong anywhere, and without her I wouldn’t have any relationship with our kids because as an engineer, I am not the best communicator.”
Now, think of five secrets that could underlie the person’s behavior (for example, “he’s scared about a medical condition,” “she’s afraid that we don’t respect her because of her age,” “he’s a recovering alcoholic and has some bad days,” “she has posttraumatic stress disorder,” “he got burned by a previous business partner and now he doesn’t trust people”). Picture how your feelings about the person would change in each scenario you imagine.
Self-actualizing people have a deep feeling of identification, sympathy, and affection for human beings in general. They feel kinship and connection, as if all people were members of a single family.
“Do you know that Audrey feels that you find her utterly repulsive and disgusting a lot of the time?”
Making someone “feel felt” simply means putting yourself in the other person’s shoes.
Say “I understand what you’re feeling,” and the other person will feel grateful and spontaneously express that gratitude with a desire to understand you in return. It’s an irresistible biological urge, and one that pulls the person toward you.
Attach an emotion to what you think the other person is feeling, such as “frustrated,” “angry,” or “afraid.” 2. Say, “I’m trying to get a sense of what you’re feeling and I think it’s ————— . . .” and fill in an emotion. “Is that correct? If it’s not, then what are you feeling?” Wait for the person to agree or correct you. 3. Then say, “How frustrated (angry, upset, etc.) are you?” Give the person time to respond. Be prepared, at least initially, for a torrent of emotions—especially if the person you’re talking with is holding years of pent-up frustration, anger, or fear inside. This is not
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You’re also held hostage to your own mistakes when you fail to break through to people who either (a) don’t know you at all or (b) don’t act like they care to know you well.
you want to have an interesting dinner conversation, be interested. If you want to have interesting things to write, be interested. If you want to meet interesting people, be interested in the people you meet—their lives, their history, their story. Where are they from? How did they get here? What have they learned? By practicing the art of being interested, the majority of people can become fascinating teachers; nearly everyone has an interesting story to tell.
the way to truly win friends and influence the best people is to be more interested in listening to them than you are in impressing them.
The first key is to stop thinking of conversation as a tennis match.
“How’d you get into what you do?” (I credit Los Angeles super mediator Jeff Kichaven with this; he says it never fails to start and keep people talking.) ■ “What do you like best about it?” ■ “What are you trying to accomplish that’s important to you in your career (business, life, etc.)?” ■ “Why is that important to you?” ■ “If you were to accomplish that, what would it mean to you and what would it enable you to do?” In personal relationships—for instance, at a party or on a first date—questions like these can often trigger a heartfelt response: ■ “What’s the best (or worst) part of
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“I’m curious—why did you decide to go to that particular school?” or, “Whatever happened to that professor? Do you still keep in touch?”
People love offering advice, because it makes them feel both interesting and wise.)
The measure of self-assurance is how deeply and sincerely interested you are in others; the measure of insecurity is how much you try to impress them with you.
“When Anita comes into your office, let her speak a couple of sentences and then firmly say, ‘Anita, what you’re saying is much too important for me to give it less than my undivided attention, which I can’t give you now because I’m in the middle of something that I’ve got to finish. So what I’d like you to do is come back in two hours when I will be able to give you all of my attention for five minutes, and then I can help you with what’s on your mind. But in the meantime think of what you want to tell me, what you’d like me to do, and whether it’s possible given the reality of our company.
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“I’m calling to ask you a favor because you’re a very important part of our holiday dinners. Many of us don’t see or even talk to each other except at the holidays, and you never know who’s really having a bad time with a terrible illness, a recent death, or some big financial problems. So these dinners can be very awkward. Since you’re such a consistent and important guest, I was hoping you might be able to greet people when they come in and help pull them out of their shell by asking them how they and their family are doing and finding out anything new that’s been going on with them.”
The best thing to do when someone is venting, whining, or complaining is to avoid interrupting.
Don’t take issue with anything Dean says, become defensive, or get into a debate.
At this point, it may appear that it’s your turn to talk—but it’s not.
