Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone

by Mark Goulston

Part 1: Thank the person for something specific that he or she did for you. (It can also be something the person refrained from doing that would have hurt you.) Part 2: Acknowledge the effort it took for the person to help you by saying something like: “I know you didn’t have to do _______” or “I know you went out of your way to do_______.” Part 3: Tell the person the difference that his or her act personally made to you.

Remorse: Demonstrate to the other person that you know you caused harm and you are truly sorry. For example: “I know I made you look bad in front of the boss by failing to bring the documentation you needed to make your case for the new computers. It was my fault he turned down your request and everyone has to use the old computers for another year.” When you’re doing this, allow the other person to vent and don’t become defensive even if the person is over the top. When you encourage people who are furious to get their anger off their chests, it speeds the healing process. Restitution: Find some way to make amends, at least partially. For example: “I know the whole team is pissed off about not getting the computers, and they blame you. I’m going to go to each team member and explain that it’s my fault. I can’t undo the damage, but at least I can take the blame off your shoulders.” Rehabilitation: Demonstrate through your actions that you’ve learned your lesson. If a mistake occurred because you didn’t do your job right or you shot off your mouth without thinking, do whatever it takes to avoid making the same mistake in the future. Requesting forgiveness: Don’t do this immediately, because actions speak louder than words. To truly earn forgiveness, you need to sustain your corrective actions until they become part of who you are. At this point—and not before—go back to the person you’ve hurt and say, “Are you able to forgive me for hurting you?”

Think of (a) the person who’s helped you the most over the last month, (b) the person who’s helped you the most over the past year, and (c) the person who’s helped you most over your lifetime. Offer each one a Power Thank You, either in person or by mail or e-mail.

build on the things all silos have in common: the sky above (a shared vision) and the ground below (shared values).

“What are the three things I should always do and the three things I should never do to do well in this job?”

practice the “Oh F#@& to OK”

“I want to learn everything you know. What’s the best way to do that?”

Visualize yourself in the job that you want; then actively plan to get there.

Make a list of the ten people you most admire in your company. Using the techniques you’ve learned (and the information in Chapter 30), see if you can think of ways to become closer to one of these people and position him or her as a mentor.

“You’re unhappy with this design because you imagined it being more _______________.”

Visibility, Misner says, is the first phase of growing a relationship. Visibility is where you and another individual become aware of each other, perhaps because of your PR and advertising efforts or perhaps through someone you both know. You may become personally acquainted and work on a first-name basis, but you know little about each other. Credibility is the quality of being reliable and worthy of confidence. Once you and your new acquaintance begin to form expectations of each other, and the expectations are fulfilled, your relationship can enter the credibility stage. If each person is confident of gaining satisfaction from the relationship, then it will continue to strengthen. Credibility grows when appointments are kept, promises are acted upon, facts are verified, and services are rendered. Profitability is the phase of the relationship when it becomes mutually rewarding. Do both partners gain satisfaction from it? Does it maintain itself by providing benefits to both? If it doesn’t profit both partners, it probably won’t endure. Now, here’s how to use your new skills to succeed in all three stages of Misner’s VCP Process.

Focus on “What’s in it for them?”

Say, “Tell me what happened.”

Say, “I need to make sure that I heard exactly what you said, so I don’t go off in some wrong direction. If I heard you right, what you said is. . . .”

Now say, “And that makes you feel angry/frustrated/disappointed/upset or what exactly.

Say to the person, “And the reason it’s so important to fix this or make this better now is ______________.”

“What’s holding you back from accomplishing your goals, and how frustrating is that for you?”

Practice physical awareness. Identify sensations like tension, a pounding heart, a craving, or lightheadedness. Pinpoint them and give them a name. This will help you control them. 2. Practice emotional awareness. Attach an emotion to the sensations you’re feeling. For instance, say to yourself, “I’m very angry” or “I’m desperate.” Naming your feeling will help prevent the amygdala hijack I talk about in Chapter 2. 3. Practice impulse awareness. Say to yourself, “This feeling makes me want to _____________ .” Being aware of your impulse will help you resist it. 4. Practice consequence awareness. Answer this question: “If I follow through with this urge, what is likely to happen?” 5. Practice solution awareness. Complete this sentence: “A better thing to do would be. . . .” 6. Practice benefit awareness. Say to yourself, “If I do that better thing the benefits will be. .

During tough times, say unto yourself what those who care about you would say unto you . . . and then believe it. Otherwise, you are dishonoring the love they feel for you.

“So, what exactly do you admire about me?”

“Wow! Thank you (pause)—anything else you admire about me?”

“What did you learn about success from your dad?“