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March 29 - April 7, 2023
Instead, pause after he’s unloaded on you, and then simply say, “Tell me more.”
When it turns out you’re not going to get into a debate with Dean, it disarms him. There’s no need for him to fight you, if you don’t engage in a fight. ■ “Tell me more” shows that you were listening and heard what really bothered him. It also lowers his paranoia that you’re now going to come back at him for, in essence, dumping on you. ■ When you don’t take issue with Dean venting at you, he will finally begin to exhale. You’ll see it in his posture, in his face, and even in his breathing as he relaxes and lets go of his distress.
“Close your eyes, and just breathe.”
The biggest key to helping a person vent and then exhale, however, is to let it happen.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t know it was so bad.”
“Have I ever made you feel that I don’t respect you?”
“Have I ever made you feel that you weren’t worth listening to?”
There’s hardly anything more annoying to another person than hearing you say, “I know where you’re coming from,” when you don’t really have a clue.
The greatest single cause of dissonance is the fact that people behave their worst when they feel most powerless.
how can you know how other people perceive you? The answer is simple but uncomfortable: Ask the experts—your own friends or relatives.
ask them to describe your worst traits.
need you to mark, in 1-2-3 order, the top three ways I might rub people the wrong way.”
Arrogant ■ “Hyper” ■ Needy ■ Overly opinionated ■ Impulsive ■ Rigid ■ Nitpicking ■ Passive ■ Indecisive ■ Demanding ■ Hostile ■ Stuffy ■ Oversensitive ■ Sly ■ Untrustworthy ■ Melodramatic ■ Rude ■ Shy ■ Pessimistic ■ Abrupt ■ Excessively perky ■ Closed minded
you’re feeling stoic, ask these same people to elaborate on the failings they identify. For instance, ask, “What do I do that strikes people as abrupt?” or “How often do I do that?”or “Would I seem less abrupt if I said such and such?”
approach anyone—your spouse, a friend, even a total stranger—and ask that person to suggest two things you can do in the future to change this behavior for the better.
What Got You Here Won’t Get You There.
I need your help in making this a better company. Anything you say to me will be totally anonymous. 2. Suppose you attended a dinner party and overheard someone describing his or her company as a “perfect ten” in the areas of Passion, Enthusiasm and Pride. How would you feel if you scored your feelings about your company lower? If it were me, I know I’d feel envious and feel less happy about where I worked. 3. If I were to ask you to score your own level of Passion, Enthusiasm and Pride in regard to your job and our company on a scale of 1 to 10, what would you write down? 4. If you wrote down
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“I’ve read up on your culture and the differences between both of our cultures, and yet I am certain I will say and do things that may not fit. I’m not planning to, but it may happen—and the last thing I would want to do is embarrass you in front of your peers by making you have to explain my offensive behavior. If you tell me the most common things my culture does or doesn’t do that offend your culture, I will try my very best to not act in those ways.”
“Right now I feel like you’re attacking me, and I’m guessing you feel like I’m attacking you. But in reality I think we’re both defending ourselves. So I want you to know that I don’t want to hurt you—and I know you don’t want to hurt me. If we can start fresh with that agreement in place, I bet we can solve this problem together.”
When you’re cornered and everything inside you makes you feel like baring your teeth, reach deeper into yourself, feel your fear, and bare your neck instead.
The next time you suspect that someone else is afraid or in distress, encourage the person to tell you about it. Then let the person know you respect him or her for having the guts to say “I’m scared” or “I made a mistake.”
A toxic person robs you of your self-esteem and dignity and poisons the essence of who you are.
the ones who were easy to upset and hard to please, who let me down time after time, who wouldn’t cooperate or play fair, or who constantly made excuses and blamed other people.
There are three ways to do this. The first is to confront these people directly. The second is to neutralize them. The third is to walk away and make sure they don’t follow you.
1 to 3 scale (1 = not at all; 2 = sometimes; 3 = almost always): ■ Does the person whine? ■ Does the person complain? ■ Does the person come off like a victim? ■ Does the person seem to be saying, “Feel sorry for me”? ■ Does the person want to be pitied? ■ Does the person cry or act deeply hurt when something doesn’t go his or her way? ■ Does the person attempt to make you feel guilty? ■ Does it seem to you that the person is a bottomless pit whose needs can’t ever be met? ■ Do you want to avoid the person? ■ Does your stomach get a knot whenever you receive a voice mail or e-mail from the
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the “wince confrontation.” I told him to say the following to Jada, while making it clear that it pained him to say it: “I’m getting close to avoiding you, because almost every time I ask you about something you haven’t done you make an excuse or blame someone else. And almost every time I confront you about ways in which you need to improve, you either act hurt, start to cry, or get angry. All of us feel disappointed, hurt, or upset from time to time, but if you get angry or emotional each time, it’s too exhausting to be around. You have the right to react in any way you choose, but I have
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They demand more than they whine. ■ They desperately fear abandonment. ■ They cycle between idealizing you (“You’re my reason for living”) and devaluing you (“You’re selfish, just like everybody else”). ■ They have no core personality. They seem empty because they are empty, and to fill that hole they parasitically latch on to whoever is closest. ■ They act impulsively. For instance, they seek out unsafe sex or drive far too fast. ■ They have extreme mood swings, often have angry outbursts, and may threaten suicide. ■ They may act paranoid (“You act like you care but you’re just out to hurt
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When a bully tries to intimidate you by verbally attacking you, do this. Make eye contact. Act perfectly polite but ever-so-slightly bored, as if your mind is elsewhere. Let your body language transmit the same message: Stand up straight, be relaxed, and cock your head as if you’re listening but not very hard. Let your arms hang casually, instead of folding them defensively across your chest. Often, this response makes bullies feel uncomfortable or even foolish and causes them to back down.
Like this guy, many bullies are so accustomed to their victims prostrating themselves and cowering—and so contemptuous when this happens—that they’re knocked for a loop when someone bullies them back. It’s a high-risk move, but the payoff can be big. However, try this approach only if you don’t mind losing a client or a contract and make sure you have an exit strategy.
For instance, if your business partner is a narcissist, manage your expectations by never expecting the person to do something that is not in his or her best interest. That way you won’t feel blindsided when the person acts narcissistically. and you’ll be able to keep your wits about you.
“narcissist inventory,” rating the person on a 1-to-3 scale (1 = rarely; 2 = sometimes; 3 = frequently): ■ How often does the person need to be right at all costs?
How often does the person act impatient with you for no good reason? ■ How often does the person interrupt you in the middle of what you’re saying, and yet take offense if you interrupt? ■ How often does the person expect you to drop whatever you’re thinking about and listen to him or her—and does the person take offense when you expect the same in return? ■ How often does the person talk more than he or she listens? ■ How often does the person say “Yes, but,” “That’s not true,” “No,” “However,” or “Your problem is”? ■ How often does the person resist and resent doing something that matters to
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They manipulate people like chess pieces, with no regard to the pain they cause. They’re predatory thrill seekers. They lie easily and don’t care if they get caught. They’re glib, charismatic, and charming. They crave power and do whatever it takes to get it. They use people for sexual or financial purposes and then discard them.
Make a list of the people who play a key role in your life. Beside each name, answer these questions: Can I count on this person to provide me with practical assistance? Emotional support? Financial support? Prompt and willing help when I’m in trouble? Wherever you see lots of “no” answers, think about expecting more from that person—or about easing the person out of your life. Now, for the hard part: Make a list of the people who count on you and answer these same questions: Do you provide these people with practical assistance? Emotional support? Financial support? Prompt and willing help
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What’s something that would be impossible to do, but if you could do it, would dramatically increase your success?
If I could just do ____ , but that’s impossible.
Okay. What would make it possible?
“What’s something that would be impossible?” and, “What would make it possible?”
“What would make it possible for us to spend more time with our kids and put in less overtime and still be okay financially?” Or ask a teenager, “What would make it possible for you to be safe and still be able to do many of the things you really want to do?” Or ask an aging parent who’s living with you, “What would make it possible for you to feel less unhappy about giving up driving?”
Ask someone at home or work to name an impossible goal the person would like to accomplish or achieve. Respond with, “I agree with you. That sounds impossible, so what would make it possible?” Then help the person brainstorm the steps to turn the goal into a reality.
Shift another person from resistance to listening—from “nobody understands” to “you understand.”
When you act as if your goal is the exact opposite of what you’re trying to accomplish,
“I’ll bet you feel that nobody knows what it’s like to be scared that you can’t pull this project off. And I’ll bet that you’re upset because you think we’re all feeling let down by you. What’s more, I’ll bet you feel that nobody can possibly understand how hard it is to deal with all the stuff that’s happening in your life.”
If you want people to do the unexpected, you go first.
Say to the person: “I’ll bet you feel that there is no way you’re going to be able to do what it is that I’m asking you to do, isn’t that true?” If you’re on track the person will nod, and be puzzled and slightly disarmed by your understanding. 2. Follow that with: “And I’ll bet you’re hesitant to tell me straight out that you can’t get it done, isn’t that also true?” The person will probably nod in agreement or even say, “Yes” in response. 3. Finally say, “In fact you may be thinking that the only way to get that done would be to do ______.” (Let the person fill in the blank.) 4. Then work
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“He’d probably say this is going to be a waste of time because all that’s going to happen is that mom’s going to lecture me and dad’s going to just go along with it and probably not say anything. And that’s just what happens at home.” “Really?” I said, to emphasize the significance of Joan’s shift from attacking to understanding. Then I added: “And if I were to ask Harry how frustrated that makes him feel, what would he say?” Joan replied, “He’d say he can’t stand it.” “And if I were to ask him what he does or wants to do as a result, what would he say to that?” I added. “He’d say he wants to
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At this point, Joan and even Harry became interested in what Robert would say. Robert paused and then replied, “Joan would probably say I sabotage her by agreeing on the surface with her but communicating to Harry that I agree with him about how over the top she can get.” “And if I asked Joan how that made her feel, what would she say?” I asked. Robert said: “All alone, with everyone fighting her and nobody helping her.”
“Isn’t it frustrating when a client promises to send a check on time and then doesn’t, and we need to worry about whether the person’s going to stiff us—but we still need to be polite because we can’t risk offending the person?”
“And doesn’t that make you feel angry and even scared about doing business with the person?”
“Knowing how it feels to be blown off that way, would you want to do that to someone else?” Most likely you’ll get a “No, of course not,” which is when you can say, “Well, you know, that’s how I feel when I need to count on you to get a project done and I’m not sure you’ll come through. I don’t want to hurt your feelings because I respect and like you, but I feel frustrated and scared when I’m not sure I can count on you.”
