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March 29 - April 7, 2023
Think of someone who frequently frustrates, angers, hurts, or disappoints you. This may be someone in your family, someone at work, or a friend. 2. Imagine that person doing one of the things that frustrates you. Select a behavior that, on an aggravation scale of 1 to 10, is at least an 8. Get this picture fully in your mind and be conscious of how it makes you feel as you think about it. 3. Now, put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Imagine what the person would say if I asked what angers, hurts, or frustrates him or her most about you. Imagine you are the other person and say what this
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To make empathy come more naturally to you, give yourself an Empathy Jolt every day or so. For instance, when a coworker you don’t like much is on the phone with a difficult client, observe the situation and ask yourself, “How would I feel if I were him right now? Would this conversation make me angry, frustrated, or unhappy?” Or if your boss is brusquer than usual one day, ask yourself: “How would I feel if I had all of her responsibilities and worries today?” The more you do this, the less stress and frustration you’ll feel with the people around you—and the better you’ll be at getting
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“I’m sorry. I think there must be things I do that frustrate you a great deal, and I’d like to apologize for them. Here’s what I think those things are. . . .”
“Is that true? If not, what are the things that most frustrate you about me?” Then listen to whatever the person says, pause, and say, “And how much do those things bother you?”
“Really . . . I didn’t know and I guess I didn’t want to know. I’m sorry and I’ll try to do better in the future.”
“No, that’s all I wanted to say—I really appreciate what you’ve told me.”
know I make mistakes, and I know that people may be hesitant to point them out to me. And I know I can do a better job myself, and create a better work environment, if I’m aware of what I’m doing wrong.”
“trainable”—those who just need a little incentive to shape up. It works less well (or not at all) with the takers and narcissists I talk about in Chapter 11, because they’re not into reciprocating.
really, but I am very frustrated about things.” Then you can respond, “I understand that, but I need to know what the truth is, because if what you say is totally true then we have a serious problem and need to address it.” By this time, they’re in retreat and the power has shifted to you.
I understand what you’re saying, but I really need to know if you think I don’t care about our money situation and really want to bankrupt us. Because if that’s the case, I think we have some serious misunderstandings to clear up.
Do you really believe that absolutely everyone who works here doesn’t know what they’re doing and that they are all—each and everyone—imbeciles and incompetent? Are you saying that there is not one single person who works here who knows what they are doing?
No I mean it, Bill. If every single person who works here is incompetent, we have some very big problems, and I’m going to need your help in rooting them out and solving them.
“You know,” I offer, “Here’s one thing that might help. A tip I give my clients is that if you keep doing the same behavior for 21 days it turns into a habit that’s easier to maintain. It’s kind of like dental flossing.” You think about that for a second, and give me a nod.
You suck. But after a few minutes, things subtly start to change. Somewhere along the line, your customer becomes mad at “them” or “your company.” Why? Because the customer now feels like you two are on the same side and doesn’t want to hurt you. Once that shift occurs, you can stop ducking for cover and start working together to solve the problem.
believe it. You promised we’d finally get away for a weekend and now you’re backing out. That’s so like you. YOU: Hmmm . . . YOUR PARTNER: Hmmm? What’s that supposed to mean? YOU: Just that I know how important this trip was to you, and I’m really sorry the project ran overtime and I can’t get away. YOUR PARTNER: You always say something like that. It’s always some life-or-death thing at work. I hate it. YOU: And so. . . . YOUR PARTNER: And so I wish you’d get a different job where there’s not so much pressure. Or I wish you’d stop making plans when you know you’ll have to break them. Or . . .
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“Hmmm?” is just one of many phrases that can rapidly defuse a conversation that’s escalating. Others include: “Really?,” “And so . . . ,” “Tell me more,” “Then what happened?,” and “What else can you tell me?” Of all these, “Hmmm . . .” is my favorite opening line because it catches people off guard—and catching people off guard is a good way to stop a meltdown. Move a person from hostility to mild confusion and already you’ve moved one step in the right direction.
“You’re important. Your problem is important. And I’m listening.”
“I have a stuttering problem. The worst part of it is that I never know when it will happen. When it does people are caught off guard, feel badly for me, don’t know what to do, and become distracted. If it happens while we’re talking, the best thing to do is to bear with me and if you and I are lucky it will come and go. If it doesn’t, we’ll just have to do the best we can. I apologize in advance for whatever inconvenience this causes you.”
Here are the three keys: get in (quickly and efficiently describe the issue), neutralize the problem (by explaining how to handle it or why it isn’t really a problem), and get out (move on to the next topic—do not linger or go into excess detail).
Show poise by openly expressing the misgivings people have about you, and they’ll be more likely to give you their positive and undivided attention.
you know that something about you makes other people uncomfortable, practice ways to describe what the problem is and how other people can respond to it. Rehearse in front of a mirror until you are sure you can do this comfortably in public.
“I’d like you to imagine it’s a year from now, and you and your bosses are reviewing the people you’ve hired this year—and when it comes to this position, they say, ‘Get us ten more like that one. That person was one of the best hires we’ve had in a long time.’ Can you tell me what that person did for her and you to get such a rave review?”
These days, we don’t relate—we transact.
“To help me better understand if and how I can help you, tell me what your company and specifically your department is trying to accomplish that’s critical and important, and why your company selected that goal.”
“What single question will show this person that I’m interested in his or her ideas, interests, future success, or life?” Then ask it. Here are some examples.
“If you could change one thing about the direction of your company, what would it be?” ■ “If there is one thing I can do to help you move more quickly toward your goals, what would it be?” ■ “What’s the one thing you’d be proudest to accomplish?”
Just to make sure I get off on the right foot—what are three things you’d like me to always do, and three things you’d like me to never do?
If I eat this doughnut, I’ll need to spend more time at the gym. Jeez, I’m late, and Sally will be mad at me. Too bad, she was late last time, so I’m probably okay. Damn, I didn’t get the taxes done yet. I’ll need to stay up late. I should be spending more time with the kids.
“What would I like to be doing with my life this time next year?” or “What do I need more or less of in my life right now?” or “If my kids looked at me twenty years from now, what would make them proud of me?”
Cause people to look up and reflect on what you’ve asked them, and when they look back down at you, the conversation will never be the same again. . . . It’ll be better.
“What’s something fun or important that you think you and I should do within the next five years?” Then see how fast you move from “It’s your turn to do dishes” to a new and better life plan.
“Tell me, which of your friends do you think is most likely to get into big trouble some day?”
was just wondering which of your friends takes too many chances and will probably get into major problems sometime—and, more importantly, what makes you think it will be that particular person?”
Sitting people down and lecturing them rarely works, because it makes them defensive—and when they’re defensive, they hide things from you. Work side by side with them in a cooperative activity, however, and you’ll lower their guard and get them to open up. That’s why hostage negotiators try to get hostage takers to commit to a shared activity, such as allowing food or medical supplies into a building. It’s also why the elders at an Amish barn-raising or quilting bee uncover more deep secrets than a spy in bed with a drunken politician. ■ Questioning works better than telling. That’s why Will
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“That’s worth thinking about” or “I hadn’t looked at it that way.”
“You’re reading this book because you want to learn how to __________ . And the reason it’s important for you to learn how to do that now is __________. And if you could learn that and put it into action now, it would benefit you by __________.” If you’re like most people, you’ll feel willing and in fact a little eager to open up and share your thoughts with me.
appreciate it, and I’ll make sure we’re done on time. To start, I’m hoping to get a little information: You’re thinking of buying our software, or a product like it, because (gesturing invitingly with her hand) _________________.
And by changing to our software or someone else’s, you’re hoping to accomplish __________________________________.
“Thinking of buying” reinforces people’s belief that they’re in control and have positive options and choices.
“me or someone like me.”)
I had that to do over again, what I would do differently is: 2. I would do things differently because: 3. My commitment to do this (the new action) the next time is_______. (1 = won’t do it; 5 = maybe; 10 = will do it). 4. A good person to hold me accountable for doing this would be:
“What question did I fail to ask, or what problem did I fail to address, that—if I had—would have caused you to give me a different answer?”
But they’re wrong—because in reality, the biggest mistake you can make is to ask for too little.
To get from “no” to “yes,” however, you need to make the right moves. Here’s what to do.
take a breath and then, as earnestly as possible, say something like this: “I either pushed too hard or failed to address something that was important to you, didn’t I?”
“And the point where I went too far and the deal points I failed to address were —————————.”
No, it’s nothing like that. I’m just wondering if you could tell me—the question I failed to ask or the issue I didn’t address that would have made you feel differently was _______________.
Until someone says “no” to you, you’re not asking for enough.
“What more could I have asked for, and possibly gotten, if I hadn’t been scared of hearing “no?”
Hi dad, Last night I was walking around Manhattan as I often do with my friends talking about how confused we felt about our futures. And as often happens I said, “My dad said . . .” and as always happens, it made the conversation considerably better. I don’t know how many of my friends can say the same about their fathers. I am so lucky to have such a wise dad, even if he does live 3,000 miles away. See you in a few weeks. Love, Lauren.
