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People who use language that emphasizes that they’re acting by their own choice and exercising control (“I don’t,” “I choose to,” “I’m going to,” or “I don’t want to”) stick to their habits better than people who use language that undermines their self-efficacy (“I can’t,” “I’m not allowed to,” or “I’m supposed to”). There’s a real difference between “I don’t” and “I can’t.”
The very words we choose to characterize our habits can make them seem more or less appealing.
When I say “I’m stressed out,” I blur the connection between the way I act and the way I feel. So, instead of saying “I’m stressed,” I press myself to identify exactly what’s bothering me. “I work at home, so I feel as though I should be working all the time.” “I’m working with someone who drains my energy.” “I want us to have fun family adventures, but we all need a lot of downtime at home, too.” “I can’t decide what opportunities to pursue.” “My laptop isn’t syncing properly with my desktop.” “I get flustered when both my daughters talk at me at the same time.” “I feel awkward in this social
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Besides clarity of values, another kind of clarity supports habit formation: clarity of action. The more specific I am about what action to take, the more likely I am to form a habit. A habit to “be more mindful,” for instance, is too vague to be a habit, but “have a moment of gratitude every time I walk into my apartment building” or “take a photo of something interesting every day” are concrete actions that can become habits.
To achieve greater clarity in my actions, I often invoke a “bright-line rule,” a useful concept from law. A bright-line rule is a clearly defined rule or standard that eliminates any need for interpretation or decision making; for example, observing the Sabbath, or using The New York Times Manual of Style and Usage to decide grammar questions, or never buying bottled water, or answering every email within twenty-four hours, or calling home every Sunday night are bright-line rules.
“My habit is never to have more than three. Of whatever. Three beers, three TV shows.”
Bright-line rules work only if we follow them.
realized that I could tie other yearly habits to trigger dates like Presidents’ Weekend. For instance, Labor Day now triggers me to schedule the family flu vaccine. St. Patrick’s Day triggers me to review finances with Jamie (green). A friend and I share the same birthday, and each year, we have lunch to celebrate; I almost never see her otherwise, but knowing that I’ll see her once a year helps maintain our friendship.
the importance of identity. My idea of “this is the kind of person I am” is so bound up in my habits and actions that it’s hard for me to see. But eventually, I realized that my sense of identity makes it easier or harder to change a habit.
glass of wine, so I can, too.’ Research shows that people eat and drink more or less depending on what the people around them do. And you want to do what’s right for you.”
Identity exerts a powerful force over our habits.
changing a habit is much more challenging if that new habit means altering or losing an aspect of ourselves.
we tend to believe what we hear ourselves say, and the way we describe ourselves influences our view of our identity, and from there, our habits.
This is the kind of person I am”—not just a task to be done.
Identity can help us live up to our own values: “I’m not someone who wastes time at work,” “I’m no shirker,” “If I say I’ll show up, I show up.” Of course, it’s important to follow through on the habits that relate to our sense of identity, as opposed to letting the identity substitute for the habits.
Sometimes we adopt a habit to signal the identity we want others to see.
Or we may adopt a habit to signal an identity we wish we had.
the Strategy of Identity is particularly helpful for Rebels. Rebels generally have a tough time accepting the constraints imposed by habits, but because they place great value on being true to themselves, they embrace a habit if they view it as an aspect of their identity.
“If a habit is part of who I am, then that habit isn’t a chain holding me to the ground, it’s permitting me to be authentic to myself.”
Anyone who identifies with the idea of youth—as a wunderkind, as a prodigy, as a Young Turk, as an ingenue—will eventually be forced out.
I was tempted to stick with meditation merely because I wanted to be a “person who meditates.” Which is not the same thing, at all, as wanting to meditate.
It’s a Secret of Adulthood: I can’t make people change, but when I change, others may change; and when others change, I may change.
what others do, say, and think rubs off on me. For instance, in a phenomenon known as “health concordance,” couples’ health habits and statuses tend to merge over time. One partner’s health behaviors—habits related to sleep, eating, exercise, doctor visits, use of alcohol, cigarettes, and marijuana—influence those behaviors in a partner.
we’re quite susceptible to “goal contagion,” we may rapidly pick up someone else’s habits, so it’s helpful to be around people who are good role models. Other people can have a tremendous influence.
Unfortunately, while people can be a good influence, they can also be a bad influence; by indulging in a behavior that we’re trying to resist, they may tempt us to follow.
“Here’s something I’ve noticed,” I said. “If I do something only occasionally, people don’t adjust. If I make a habit of something, they adapt.”
The presence of other people can influence our habits in another way: when we’re in a social situation, usually we want to fit in. This basic desire, to be in step with others, can become a stumbling block for good habits.
How do I affect other people’s habits? I’m an odd mixture.
I can help provide mental energy to support someone else’s efforts. People fall into three gears when it comes to supporting (or opposing) other people’s healthy habits.
Drive: People in “drive” mode add energy and propulsive force to our habits. They can be very helpful as they encourage, remind, and join in.
They may very well push a Rebel away from a good habit.
Reverse: Some people press others to reverse out of a healthy habit.
Neutral: These folks go along with our habits. They support us whatever we do. Sometimes this is useful, but sometimes this support makes it easier to indulge in habits when we know we shouldn’t.
because people “catch” habits from each other, one important way to influence Eliza and Eleanor is for me to have good habits myself. If I want Eliza and Eleanor to be orderly, I should be orderly. If I don’t want them to spend too much time staring into screens, I should turn off screens myself.
When adults pressure children to adopt certain habits, sometimes those habits stick—but other times there’s a backlash.
when people are strongly warned not to do a particular thing, they often want to do it more than ever (the lure of the forbidden); when they get milder suggestions, they react with less resistance over the long run.
In an odd but effective trick, I view myself from the outside. When I think of myself in the third person, many things become clearer.
My manager reminds me to follow my good habits: “Gretchen, you feel overwhelmed. Get a good night’s sleep.” “You’re tired, but you’ll feel better if you go for a walk.” She stands up for me when other people are too demanding.
“Gretchen really feels the cold, so she can’t be outside too long.” “Gretchen is writing her new book now, so she can’t give a lengthy response to that email.” On the other hand, she doesn’t accept excuses like “This doesn’t count” or “Everyone else is doing it.”
We can build our habits only on the foundation of our own nature.
The only person we can change is ourselves, and how we command ourselves is always the question that most interests me.
Habits multiply, for better or worse, within individuals. They also spread from one person to another.
On the other hand, the less we do, the less we feel like doing. If my office is a wreck, I don’t feel like cleaning up.
Some habits become completely automatic; others require some effort, always. What matters is to be moving in the right direction. There’s a great satisfaction in knowing that we’ve made good use of our days, that we’ve lived up to our expectations of ourselves. The true aim is not to break bad habits, but to outgrow them.
Often, when we try repeatedly to form a habit that we desire, we fail because we want to reap its benefits without paying the price it demands.
Keeping a good habit costs us: it may cost time, energy, and money, and it may mean forgoing pleasures and opportunities—but not keeping a good habit also has its cost. So which cost do we want to pay? What will make our lives happier in the long run?
all of my work on habits and happiness was meant to help us construct, as much as possible, just that: everyday life in Utopia. Everyday life with deep, loving relationships and productive, satisfying work; everyday life with energy, health, and productivity; everyday life with fun, enthusiasm, and engagement, with as little regret, guilt, or anger as possible.
Those habits wouldn’t make everyone happy, but they make me very happy. Everyday life in Utopia.
