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Though it’s easy to assume that if we consistently repeat an action, it becomes a habit, often it doesn’t work that way.
A finish line divides behavior that we want to follow indefinitely—to run, to write, to practice—into “start” and “stop,” and all too often, the “stop” turns out to be permanent.
Maintaining a healthy weight requires us not to follow a temporary diet, but to change our eating habits forever.
I’ve noticed that some people are serial goal setters, rather than habit formers.
To me, constantly setting and committing to new goals sounds like too much effort; I find it easier just to commit to a habit.
For instance, many people successfully focus on a specific habit for thirty days to help themselves launch into a new behavior. Having done that, they should be careful, however, to recognize the special challenge posed by a finish line, so that they can put extra effort into maintaining their good habits after crossing that line. The real test of a thirty-day Blast Start is what happens on day 31.
If they want the new behavior to become a habit, they should use if-then planning from the Strategy of Safeguards to decide, in advance, how to proceed after hitting the finish line—perhaps by continually setting themselves new goals, just as my friend with the bad knee replaced one goal with another, or by deciding what the everyday habit should be.
nevertheless, a habit must be rewarding in some way, or I wouldn’t bother to do it at all. My challenge, therefore, was to make my habits rewarding without sabotaging myself with rewards. How?
finding my reward within the habit itself, with a reward that takes me deeper into the habit. If I look outside a habit for a reward, I undermine the habit. If I look within the habit for the reward, I strengthen the habit.
“A ‘reward’ changes your attitude toward a behavior. At some level, it causes you to think ‘I’m not drinking because I want an iPad.’ But if you think ‘I’m not drinking because I want to feel healthier, more energetic, and more in control. Added benefit: I have extra money to buy things I want.’ That’s a different state of mind, and might shift the way you view drinking in the future.”
Continuous progress is the opposite of a finish line.
Strategy of Treats comes in. Unlike a reward, which must be earned or justified, a “treat” is a small pleasure or indulgence that we give to ourselves just because we want it. We don’t have to be “good” to get it, we don’t earn it or justify it.
Because forming good habits can be draining, treats can play an important role.
If I give more to myself, I can ask more from myself. Self-regard isn’t selfish.
To strengthen my good habits, I decided to create a menu of healthy treats—
I remind myself to notice such treats, to register the fact that I’m experiencing a scent that I love.
we make something a treat by calling it a “treat.” It’s all too easy to overlook how much we enjoy something. When we notice our pleasure, and relish it, the experience becomes much more of a treat.
The treats of childhood retain a special power.
‘All severity that does not tend to increase good, or prevent evil, is idle.’ A habit isn’t bad unless it causes some kind of problem.”
Framing a treat in terms of its benefit to others is a good way for Obligers to manage to give themselves treats:
People who are around Obligers can help ward off Obliger burnout, and Obliger rebellion, by encouraging them to treat themselves (healthfully) and by providing external accountability to make sure they follow through.
we must guard against the temptations of unhealthy treats. The pleasure lasts a minute, but then feelings of guilt, regret, loss of control, and other negative consequences kick in. A
Three categories of treats, in particular, are dangerous. First, food. Indulging feels good for a moment, but it may leave us feeling worse in the long run.
Second, shopping. For many people, shopping is a treat—perhaps surprisingly, research suggests that people are more likely to impulse-shop when they’re feeling good than when they’re feeling bad.
The third category of dangerous treats? Screen time,
Television stays a treat, I concluded, if: • I anticipate with pleasure watching a particular show (I’m not just flipping through the channels). • I watch with someone else. • I turn off the TV when the episode is over. • I feel energized, not listless, when the episode is over.
Screens of all kinds tend to drain energy, if used too long; they consume time that could be spent in other activities; they make it easy to stay up too late; they make it easy to eat mindlessly. Technology is a good servant but a bad master.
Although treats make it easier to stick to good habits, if we make a habit of a treat, it may stop feeling like a treat. In “treat creep,” a rare treat gradually turns ordinar...
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the Strategy of Pairing, I couple two activities, one that I need or want to do, and one that I don’t particularly want to do, to get myself to accomplish them both. It’s not a reward, it’s not a treat, it’s just a pairing.
To combat over-sitting, I decided to pair talking on the phone with standing: if I want to use the phone, I must stand.
Pairing is effective—sometimes, too effective. It’s easy to allow a bad habit to form by creating a pair.
Once the pair is formed, breaking it up feels like deprivation.
when people frame their habits in the way that makes the most sense to them, they succeed better. It would never occur to me to characterize exercise as “an obligation to diabetes,” but I could immediately see why that formation resonated with her.
People pay for what they do, and still more, for what they have allowed themselves to become. And they pay for it very simply: by the lives they lead. —JAMES BALDWIN, No Name in the Street
Two kinds of clarity support habit formation: clarity of values and clarity of action. The clearer I am about what I value, and what action I expect from myself—not what other people value, or expect from me—the more likely I am to stick to my habits.
when we have conflicting goals, we don’t manage ourselves well. We become anxious and paralyzed, and we often end up doing nothing.
certain pairs of conflicting values kept cropping up:
When I face values that seem to conflict, I first remind myself to consider whether this conflict might be a false choice. Can I choose both?
When we push ourselves to get clarity, when we identify the problem, sometimes we spot new solutions.
It’s easier to stick to a habit when we see, with clarity, the connection between the habit and the value it serves.
It’s probably true that the worldly values of pleasure, vanity, and fastidiousness are just as persuasive as higher values. I bet more people brush their teeth to prevent bad breath than to prevent cavities.
When it’s not apparent that a habit has value, people are less likely to follow it.
I can use the clarity of Scheduling to guarantee that I have time and energy to devote to each activity that matters.
Clarity also helps shine a spotlight on aspects of ourselves that we may wish to conceal. We should pay special attention to any habit that we try to hide. The desire to prevent family or coworkers from acting as witnesses—from seeing what’s on the computer screen or knowing how much time or money we’re spending on a habit—is a clue that in some way, our actions don’t reflect our values.
One way to attack a hidden bad habit—secret smoking, secret shopping, secret monitoring of an ex-sweetheart on Facebook—is to force it out into public view. We may choose to give up the habit if we can’t keep it secret.
We should also pay special attention to anything we feel compelled to explain. Paradoxically, unnecessary self-justification can be a feature of denial.
When I stopped talking, I realized that my desire to explain myself to him stemmed from a need to hide something from myself. I didn’t want to admit that I’d violated my work habits.
Clarity of values also makes it possible to identify red-herring habits. A red-herring habit is a habit that we loudly claim to want to adopt, when we don’t actually intend to do so. Often, red-herring habits reflect other people’s values or priorities.
Like tomorrow logic, red-herring habits are dangerous, because they allow us to fool ourselves about our actual intentions. As an Upholder who takes all announced aims very seriously—perhaps too seriously—I get concerned when I suspect that I’m hearing someone declare a red-herring habit.
Also, I predict, her feeling of self-control will help her do better if she does decide to start exercising, because she won’t tell herself, “I’ve been trying and failing for years to do this.”
