After Ever Happy (After, #4)

by Anna Todd

As I pull out my phone, my only thought is that I can’t believe Trish would hide this from Hardin. I had thought more of her, much more as a mother, and now I feel as if I’ve never met the woman.

You think she'd voluntrily tell her son she cheated on her husband with his best friend and btw your dad isn't your dad??

Ken—what about the man who tries so hard to make up for the terrible childhood of a boy who isn’t his son. Does Ken know?

Yeah OBVIOUSLY KEN KNOWS

The crack of snapping wood sounds throughout the bar. “Hardin, stop!” Vance’s voice echoes through the space, from somewhere. Another snap, followed by the sound of breaking glass. The sound pleases me, heightening my thirst for violence. I need to break things, to hurt something, even if it’s an object. And I do.

Ohmygod grow up

I won’t be pitied. “Don’t fucking talk to me like a goddamned child,” I snap.

But you are a child

“Because your mum has grown paranoid. Ken mentioned something to me two weeks ago, asking you to get some blood testing done to help Karen, and I brought it up to your mum—” “Testing for what? What does Karen have to do with any of this?”

Yes what DOES Karen have to do with this?

And, frankly, the blooming idea of her shaving my face was a major fucking turn-on.

What?? Why???

Her hand jerked, flinging some of the shaving cream onto my neck. “Good thing the razor wasn’t in your hand,” I joked.

If only

“My problem isn’t drinking. It’s only when I’m pissed-off and drink—that’s when there’s a problem.”

That still means your problem is drinking

“I don’t want to be one of those geezers like my father who drink themselves stupid and endanger the people around me.

AND YET

She swatted at me and rolled her eyes. “And what do I get out of this deal? You are messy; you only help me cook once a week, if that. You are grumpy in the morning—” I cut her off by placing my hand between her legs and pushing her panties to the side. “I guess you are good at something.” She’d grinned as I slid one finger inside her. “Only one thing?” I added another, and she groaned, her head rolling back.

Yeah dude. Only one thing.

I remember the first time she touched me. I felt like a man—fucking my mum’s friend.

Eh???

The bar isn’t crowded, and it doesn’t take me long to scan the room and find Hardin, sitting at the bar with a glass raised to his mouth. My heart plummets to the floor. I knew I would find him this way, but my faith in him is taking a beating right now. I had hoped, with everything in me, that he wouldn’t resort to drinking his pain away. I take a deep breath before approaching him. “Hardin.” I tap his shoulder. He swivels the barstool around to face me, and my stomach turns at the sight in front of me.

How are you surprised

“Please, Hardin.” I meet his bloodshot eyes. “I’m so tired, and I know you are, too.” I try to use my weakness against him without bringing up Christian or Ken. I lean closer to him. “My feet are killing me, and I’ve missed you. Christian tried to find you and couldn’t. I’ve been walking for a while, and I really want to go back to the hotel. Together.”

You try not to bring up Christian or Ken and then immediately mention Christian.

“No, but staying here isn’t doing a bit of good, so either you go pay for your drinks and take me out of here, or I will leave with someone else.” He releases his light grip on my arm and steps close. “Don’t you threaten me. I could just as easily leave with someone else,” he says, only inches from my face.

Y'all are so damaged wtf

“Fuck this.” He tries to reach for it, but I stand in front of him. “Fuck all of this! Fuck this street! Fuck this bar and that fucking house! Fuck everyone!” He stumbles again and walks into the street. “If you won’t let me destroy that house…” His voice trails off, and I pull my shoes from my feet and follow him across the street and into the front yard of his childhood home.

Girl you know you're here by choice, right?

I don’t know how much more alcohol his body can stand before he passes out.

It's fine, let him die

I slowly turn away from Hardin and reach into my purse to find my phone. The battery warning symbol is flashing, but I pull up the only number that could possibly help us at this point.

999, RIGHT?

His eyes pinch closed, and he chucks the bottle against the wall. It shatters, but I barely flinch. I’ve seen and heard this too many times in the last seven months to be shaken by it.

Yeah that's a bad thing

“Why do you do that?” he slurs, his body swaying back and forth. “Why do you always try to find the light in me? Wake up, Tessa! There isn’t any fucking light!” he screams, and slams both of his hands against his chest.

……… like Tarzan?

“You almost had me believing that I could be normal.” The lighter still rests dangerously in his palm. “No one is!” I cry. “No one is normal—I don’t want you to be. I love you now, I love you and all of this!” I look around the living room and back to Hardin.

He's literally about to burn down his mom's house

The trail of rum is next—it’s burning in a twisted line. My eyes can barely keep up with the flames as they dance across the floorboards, flicking and cracking, making the most comforting sounds. The colors are bright, fucking mad and they angrily attack the rest of the room. Over the sound of the flames, Vance shouts, “Are you satisfied?” I don’t know if I am. Tessa wouldn’t be, she would be sad that I destroyed the house.

It would be so great if you died here

“Are you okay?” Tessa’s tone is soft and rough at the same time. I can tell she has nearly lost her voice. She’s asking me if I’m okay? I search her face, confused by her question. “Uhm, yeah? Are you?” I may not remember most of the night… hell, the day or night, but I know she should be upset with me.

Yeah she should

Her eyes are bloodshot and swollen; black makeup is smeared underneath them, and her lips are dry and cracked. She’s barely recognizable. Still beautiful, but I’ve drained her. Looking at her right now, I can see the lack of warmth in her cheeks, the loss of hope from her eyes, the missing happiness from her full lips. I took a beautiful girl who lives her life for others, a girl who always found the good in everything, even me, and turned her into a shell whose void eyes are staring back at me now.

Yeah good job

“He’s not…” I don’t know how to ask the question. It won’t seem to pass over the lump in my throat. Tessa looks at me, and her eyes begin to fill with tears. “He’s alive, of course, but…” “What? He’s what?” “She says he was burned.” A slight and unwelcome pain tries to seep through the cracks in my defenses. Cracks that she caused in the first place. She wipes one eye with the back of her hand. “Only on one leg. Kim said one leg, and that he’s to be arrested as soon as he is released from the hospital, which should be soon, any minute, really.” “Arrested for what?” I know the answer before she gives it. “He told the police that he started the fire.” Tessa lifts her shitty phone in front of my face so I can read the long text message from Kimberly for myself.

HARDIN IS AN ADULT WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH EVERYONE

“Aren’t you even slightly concerned about your father?” Then, taking in my murderous glare, she adds, “I mean Christian.” He’s hurt because of me. “He shouldn’t have even showed up there.”

Ohmygod

“Everyone is on your side, Hardin.

I am not.

She grimaces. “Yes, your father was right. London isn’t as I imagined.” “I ruined it for you, that’s why.”

Like you ruin everything

and my biological father is going to jail because I caught her house on fire.

You SET her house on fire

“You know what?” she says after getting tired of waiting for me to speak up. “Fine. I’ll let you hurt both of us in this self-depriving mission of your—” My hands are on her hips and she’s back on my lap before she can finish. Tessa tries to climb off me, scratching at my arms when I won’t let her move an inch.

Nope.

I ignore her and bring my mouth to the curve of her neck. Her body jolts again, this time out of pleasure, not anger. “Stop it…” she says with absolutely no conviction. She’s trying to deny me because she thinks she should, but we both know that this is what we need.

No?????

He looks over in the direction of their voices, then assess me sagely. “They’re mad at you. Especially Kimberly, but she’s more mad at my dad, so you should be okay.” “You’ll learn that women are always mad.”

What

Smith tilts his head and swallows a little swallow, watching me. It’s both the most scientifically detached and the most vulnerably childlike I have ever seen the little oddball. “You don’t want me to be your brother, do you?” Damn it. I desperately search for Tessa, hoping that she will come save me. She would know exactly what to say.

Good job dickhead

“All of my clothes are in the rental car at that bar,” I tell her. I want nothing more than a shower, but I don’t have any clothes to wear. “You can wear something of mine,” she suggests, even though we both know I could never fit into her clothes. “Or Christian’s. He has some shorts and a shirt you—” “No, hell no,” Hardin interrupts, throwing Kimberly a hard glare as he stands. “I’ll go get your shit. You aren’t wearing his clothes.”

Ohmygod GROW UP

“Do you want me to come? I could drive the rental back since you are driving Christian’s car—” I begin, but I’m quickly cut off. “No. I’ll be fine.”

Hey what if someone just punched him

He’s withdrawing from me, like he always does every single time he’s hurt, and now he’s gone off the deep end and burned that house down and has absolutely no remorse. I know he’s angry, and I would never say this to him, but he’s only making things worse for himself.

Maybe he needs to fucking hear it

I’m not going to give up on him—I’m in far too deep for that now.

Not a good enough reason. It has been SEVEN MONTHS

“It doesn’t make sense to me still, after all these months, all this turmoil, that I would rather do all of this”—I wave my hand around the room in a dramatic gesture—“than be without him.

Girl same

The worst of times with him have been nothing, compared to the best.

He burned down a house! A HOUSE! WITH SOMEONE ELSE INSIDE IT! AND HE'S LETTING THAT PERSON GO TO PRISON FOR ARSON

I need him to not think of himself as a monster.

HE IS THOUGH

“Fine.” I flush. “I got on birth control, and my doctor did a quick scan of my cervix. He said that it’s short, shorter than average, and he wants me to come in for more testing, but he mentioned infertility.”

Anna Todd does not have grace necessary to write about infertility.

Kimberly grabs my hand on the table. “You don’t know that for sure. And not to be a downer, but Hardin doesn’t want kids anyway, right?” Even with the small knife twisting into my chest from her words, I feel better now that I have told someone about my worries. “No. He doesn’t. He doesn’t want children or marriage with me.”

THEN WHY ARE YOU HERE

But why would she possibly want forever with me?

Literally no one knows

This trip has cleared the romantic fog from my head, and miraculously, I have been granted the opportunity to have an easy way out. I can send her back to America, and she can get on with her life.

Wtf

She will try to convince me otherwise; I know she will. She will say that marriage isn’t important anymore, but she would just be lying to herself to keep me around. That says a lot about me, that I have manipulated her into loving me so unconditionally. The masochist in me starts to doubt her love as I drive. Does she love me as much as she says, or is she addicted to me? There is a heady difference, and the more shit she puts up with from me, the more it seems like an addiction, the thrill of waiting for me to fuck up again so she can be there to fix me. That’s what this is: she must see me as a project, someone she can fix. The conversation has come up before, more than once, but she refused to admit it.

God shut up

No, how many times will I let him do this? That’s the real question. “No more,” I say out loud to the stranger looking back at me. I will find him, this last time, and only for the sake of his family. I will drag his ass out of London and do what I should have done a long time ago.

Which is what?

I know Kimberly must think I’m a fool for chasing after him after his cold dismissal,

Me too btw

but I love him, and this is what you do when you love someone: you fight for him—you chase after him when you know he needs you. You help him fight the battle against himself, and you never give up on him, even when he gives up on himself.

Nah unfortunately sometimes you gotta give up

And here I sit on the plane, next to an empty seat,

Honestly he gave you such a gift. A nine hour flight and no one next to you.

This thing is like a little laptop.” I press another button on my new gadget. My new iPhone has more functions than a computer.

Cackling

Before I can stop myself, my finger is running over the call button. I know I shouldn’t, but if I can just hear her voice once, maybe I’ll sleep peacefully. “Your call cannot be completed as dialed…” a robotic voice intones coldly. What? I check my screen and try again. Same message. Again and again. She couldn’t have changed her number. She wouldn’t… “Your call cannot be…” I hear for the tenth time. Tessa changed her number. She changed her phone number, to make sure I can’t reach her.

Hahhahahahahhahahahahahaha