After Ever Happy (After, #4)

by Anna Todd

I broke her… she says she couldn’t fix me… that she will never be able to. But my damage wasn’t caused by her. I was healed by her, and while she was healing me, I was splintering her beautiful soul into too many pieces.

Literally nothing about you has been healed tho

Now she doesn’t want me; she doesn’t want to want me, and I have to find a way to remind her how much she loves me.

Or, hear me out, you could die

“You may as well go up there, too. The front row is only for people who Tessa can stand,” I complain, glancing at the line of people, who, from Carol to Noah, I can’t stand.

Waaaaaaaaa

“Just go up there, she needs you,” Landon suggests, his voice soft.

No she fucking doesn't

I can’t understand why he would run away from his responsibilities only to live the life of a drug addict.

Come on babe that's not how addiction works

“He did know what he was doing when he brought those drugs into that apartment. Sure, he didn’t know he was going to die, but he knew it was a possibility, and all he cared about was getting high. He didn’t think about anyone except himself and his high, you know?” I swallow the guilt that comes with the words. I loved my father, but I need to be truthful. I need to let my feelings out.

Judgemental is such a bad look for you

“Tell me why you came out here,” he softly demands. “I just…” I struggle for the words. After my conversation with Zed, I lost the urge to discuss my terrible thoughts about my father’s death. “It’s nothing.” “Tessa, tell me.” He knows me well enough to know that I’m lying, and I know him well enough to know he isn’t going to let me leave this greenhouse until I tell him the truth. But can I trust him?

OF COURSE NOT WHAT THE FUCK HAVE WE BEEN DOING FOR 2000 PAGES

I saw how fucking excited you were when he came back into your life, and he’s an idiot for throwing that away just to get high.” Hardin’s tone is harsh, but his words are exactly what I need to hear right now.

YOU THREW HER AWAY TO GET HIGH

I could blame them. I could, but blaming everyone else hasn’t gotten me anywhere so far. Maybe it’s time I do something different.

Yes blame yourself. Shame spiral until you put us all out of our misery

“Okay, well…” He pauses, drawing out a long breath. “I was wondering what happened between you and Hardin.” He bites down on his bottom lip. I quickly look away. “I don’t know if we should discuss Hardin, and I…” “I don’t need specifics. I just want to know if it’s really, truly over this time?” I swallow. It’s hard to say, but I reply, “It is.” “You’re sure?” What? I turn back to look at him. “Yes, but I don’t see what—” I’m cut off by Zed’s lips pressing against mine. His hands move to my hair and his tongue pushes through my closed mouth.

SIR

“You said that you and Hardin were finished! You just said that!” His voice comes out louder than mine, but he makes no move to silence himself the way I did. Why would he think this is okay? Why would he kiss me? Instinctively, I cross my arms over my chest, and I realize I’m trying to cover myself up. “That wasn’t an invitation for you to make a move or something! I thought you were here to comfort me as a friend.” He scoffs. “A friend? You know how I feel about you! You’ve always known how I felt about you!”

Aw man. Now she has to be sad about THREE MEN WHO LET HER DOWN

“It’s nothing. Not a big deal.” I take a step away from him, but he isn’t having it. He steps toward me, even closer than before. He’s never been anything less than demanding.

Yeah and that has ALWAYS BEEN A PROBLEM

I hate that my nightmares have rubbed off on her. My horrors are contagious, and I would take them from her if I could.

No they're not. She literally found her dad's dead body like a week ago

Then I remind myself that she’s still mine; she’s just not ready to admit it again. She has to be. There is no other way.

Sigh

“Why now? You and Tessa aren’t together and she—” “We will be; she just needs a little time to think it through, but she’ll forgive me. She always does. You’ll see.”

Jesus

“I’m not forcing you into anything here, am I?” I have to ask. “No,” she breathes. “I know it’s a terrible idea, but I don’t want to stop.” I nod. “I need an escape from everything; please distract me.”

Girl. No.

“I want you to be a part of my life, just not in that way. Not as my boyfriend.” “Husband?” His eyes are full of humor and… hope? I stare at him, amazed that he would dare… “We aren’t together, Hardin! And you can’t throw marriage in my face because you think it will change my mind—I wanted you to want to marry me, not offer it as a last resort!”

Yes, yell at him

“No, I’m still coming. I just need to go to Seattle and say goodbye to Kim and—” I want to tell him about my appointment, but I don’t think I’m ready to face that just yet. Nothing is certain, but I’d rather not think about it just yet.

Oh yes, your doomed cervix. She's absolutely going to be pregnant

It’s his fault that I side with the demons and fight against the angels—it’s his fault that I have a special place in hell and am not welcomed in heaven. It’s his fault that Tessa won’t be with me. It’s his fault that I hurt her too many times to count, and it’s his fault that I’m just now trying to fix twenty-one years of mistakes.

Nah babe you're a whole adult now

My head feels like a two-thousand-page novel full of deep thoughts, mindless chatter, and a bunch of crap questions that I don’t know the answers to.

What

“No, smart-ass.” She smacks my thigh. “I’m talking I know women who were married for years and their husbands banged their sisters. That kind of crazy shit will make you realize you don’t have it that bad.”

Hardin has literally been abusing her for like eight months

It was weird, though, feeling that slip from my body. I’ve heard it explained in novels—forgiveness, they call it—but I’ve never felt it until tonight.

Please go to therapy

She responds with a smiley face, and I’m impressed and amused by her newfound use of the emojis.

What

“How much did you drink?” I text Vance, hoping he’ll respond. “Not too much. I’m fine. You know what’sss weird?” Tessa slurs. I grab my keys. Damn Seattle for being so fucking far. “What’s that?” I push my feet into my Vans. Boots take too much time, and time is something I can’t afford right now.

Dude leave her alone

I’ve called forty-nine times. Forty-nine fucking times. Forty-nine. Do you know how many rings that is? A fucking lot. Too many to count, or at least I can’t think clearly enough to count them. But if I could, it would be a massive amount of fucking rings. If I make it through the next three minutes, I plan on ripping the front door off the damn hinges and smashing Tessa’s phone—the one she apparently doesn’t know how to answer—against the wall.

Babe she drank like five bottles of wine. She's asleep.

She’s going to get a goddamn earful, that’s for fucking sure.

Oh shut up

“Theresa! Where the hell are you? This isn’t funny, I swear—” I stop yelling as I take in the curled-up ball on the patio lounge chair. Approaching, I see that Tessa’s knees are tucked up to her stomach and her arms are wrapped around her chest, as if she fell asleep while trying to hold herself together.

Yeah. Exactly. She got drunk. She went to sleep.

“Would you want to?” Tessa asks, minutes later. Her body is still heaving in my arms, but the tears have stopped. “What?” “Have a baby?” She rubs at her eyes and I flinch. “Uhm, no.” I shake my head. “I don’t want a baby with you.”

Well done dude

I don’t know where to go from here; I don’t know what I did to her that made her this way.

WOULD YOU LIKE A LIST

“I have a headache,” I admit. “I’m sure—you were throwing up half the night, baby.” I cringe while remembering Hardin holding my hair back, rubbing his hand across my shoulders to comfort me while I emptied my stomach into the toilet.

When did this happen

“Do you want to talk about what happened last night? Because I hated seeing you that way. You weren’t yourself. It really scared me when I was on the phone with you.” “I’m fine.” “You were plastered. You drank yourself to sleep outside on the patio, and there are empty bottles across the entire house.” “It’s not fun finding someone that way, huh?” I feel like a jerk as soon as the words are out.

Eh he deserves it

I’m fine, I drank a little too much because I had a bad day, but I’m fine now. What’s the harm in that?

Literally nothing

He lifts my hands above my head. “I know what you are thinking.” He presses his lips to my neck, and my body takes over. My neck rolls to the side, giving him easier access to the sensitive skin there.

God you are the worst

“Fine. Will you move in with me?” “No.” I move my finger to another group of tattoos, tracing the heart-shaped end of the infinity symbol drawn there. “I’ll take that as a maybe.” He chuckles, wrapping his arm around my back.

Ugh

He leans into me, hope taking the place of the anger in his eyes. “What time do you want to leave for dinner?” “Dinner?” Kimberly interrupts. I turn to her, knowing exactly what she’s thinking. “It’s not like that.” “Yes, it is,” Hardin says.

WHY

Not that I’m keeping score or anything… But if I were… I’d be winning.

WINNING WHAT??

“You can’t…” I understand exactly what she means. “It’s because of me, isn’t it? I did something to you, didn’t I?”

Yes Hardin, your demon sperm shrunk her cervix

“It’s possible, I mean, there’s a very slim chance. And there would be a high risk for miscarriage, and my hormone levels are all messed up, so I don’t think I could ever torture myself by trying. I wouldn’t be able to handle losing a baby, or trying for years with no result. It’s just not in the cards for me to be a mother, I guess.” She’s spitting this shit out, trying to make me feel better, but it’s not convincing me, not making her seem like she has it under control when it’s obvious that she doesn’t. She’s looking at me, expecting me to say something, but I can’t. I don’t know what to say to her, and I can’t help the anger I feel toward her.

The anger. You feel. Toward her.

My emotions are telling me to comfort her, to think of her and how this is affecting her and how she feels about it. But my head is strong, so fucking strong, and I’m pissed. Not at her, but her body and her mum for whatever she was born with that doesn’t work right.

You suck SO MUCH

Per usual, I’m stepping into his arms.

Because you suck

“So Kim knew and I didn’t?” “Yes.” I nod. “What about Landon? Does Landon know, too? Karen? Vance?” “Why would Vance know?” I snap at him. He’s back to being ridiculous. “Kimberly probably told him. Did you tell Landon, too?” “No, Hardin. Only Kimberly. I had to tell someone, and I couldn’t depend on you enough to tell you.” “Ouch.” His tone is harsh and his frown overwhelming. “It’s true,” I quietly say. “I know you don’t want to hear it, but it’s true. You seem to forget that you didn’t want anything to do with me until my father died.”

Yes kill him

We are the most fucked-up couple.

YOU ARE NOT A COUPLE

“Now that you know I didn’t fuck around on you”—I raise a sarcastic brow—“will you take me back and let me make an honest woman out of you?” She cocks her head at me. “You promised you would stop throwing that at me.” “I didn’t promise. The word promise was never used.” She’s going to slap me any minute. “Are you going to tell anyone else about the baby shit?” I say to change the subject, sort of. “No.” She pulls her lip between her teeth. “I don’t think so. Not anytime soon.” “No one has to know until we adopt in a few years. I’m sure there are loads of damn babies waiting for parents to buy them. We will be fine.”

I would literally murder the man who said this to me

“Oh gosh! Ballet dancers, not strippers.” Sarah bursts into laughter, and I join her, only to laugh at Tessa’s relief and embarrassed expression.

The fact you know this woman's name is Sophia, have been reminded of it constantly, and still call her other names is so fucking gross

I need to tell him tonight.

Tbh i think you should move to New York without telling him and then change your number

“I need to talk to you about something,” I quietly admit. He doesn’t look concerned—not as concerned as he should be. “Okay, what is it?” He leans closer, too close, and I try to step away, only to be reminded that he has me cornered against the wall. Hardin raises his other arm to completely block me in, and when my eyes meet his, an obvious smirk covers his face.

Have I ever hated a character more than Hardin?

“We solve everything with sex, and that’s not healthy,” I say, pushing my next point. “Sex isn’t healthy?” he scoffs.

That's not what she said and you know it

I feel New York City slipping farther and farther away, so I decide to drop the bomb sooner rather than later: “Have you ever looked into the signs of an abusive relationship?”

Oh dang. Are we finally going there???

“Abusive?” He sounds as if he’s gasping for air. “You find me abusive? I’ve never laid a hand on you, and I never would!”

You literally have pushed her twice. But okay.

“What’s the worst thing I’ve done to you? What’s the most disgusting, terrible thing that I’ve put you through since we met?” I begin to think through the last eight months, but he clears his throat, reminding me that he wanted me to say the first thing that came to mind. I fidget in the chair, not wanting to open that vault right now, or anytime in the future, really. But finally I spit it out. “The bet. The fact that you had me completely fooled when I was falling in love with you.” Hardin appears thoughtful, lost for a moment. “Would you take it back? Would you change that mistake of mine if you could?”

"that mistake." Gtfo.