After Ever Happy (After, #4)

by Anna Todd

This must be some sick joke from above. I can’t help but be a little happy for the girl; her life wasn’t completely ruined by me… Here she is, smiling and madly in love, ready to have her first child while I sit alone, smelling and wounded in the crowded waiting room. Karma has finally caught up to me.

Truly.

Pushing the door open, I turn the light on, yelping in surprise when my foot catches on something. Someone… My blood turns to ice, and I try to focus on the body on the floor of the bathroom. This isn’t happening. Please, God, don’t let it be… And when my eyes focus, half of a prayer is answered. It’s not the boy who left me that’s lying still on the floor at my feet. It’s my father, with a needle sticking out of his arm and no color in his face. Which means half of my nightmares have been fulfilled instead.

Your dad is DEAD????

I would still have my mother; she’s not much, but she’s the only family I have now.

Wow rude

“You know what, Hardin?” His voice is equally as harsh as mine. “Fuck you. You’re a selfish asshole, and I should have known better than to call you. She will get through this without you, just the way she always has to.” The line goes dead. Get through what? What the hell is he talking about? Do I even want to know?

We really didn't need to call him though

“Where’s Tessa?” This is why Landon called me so many times. Not to give me a lecture about leaving Tessa, but to let me know her father’s dead.

Still think he did not need to do that

“Just try to put the phone to her ear. Listen to me and just do it,” I tell Landon and start the car up, silently pleading with whoever is listening up there that I don’t get pulled over on the way to the airport.

Ugh dude stay tf away from her

Silence is followed by Landon’s gentle voice: “Tessa? Can you hear me? Of course you can.” He half laughs. I can hear the pain in his voice as he tries to coax her to speak. “Hardin is on the phone, and he…” Soft chanting comes through the speaker, and I lean toward the phone in an attempt to hear the noise. What is that? For the next few seconds, it continues, low and haunting, and it takes me too long to realize it’s Tessa’s voice repeating the same word over and over and over. “No, no, no,” she says, not stopping, not slowing, “no, no, no, no, no…” What was left of my heart snaps into too many pieces to count. “No, please, no!” she cries on the end of the line. Oh God. “Okay, it’s okay. You don’t have to talk to him—” The line goes dead, and I call back, knowing that no one is going to pick up.

Hahahahahahahahhahaha

My mother’s voice is here, too. I don’t see her, but I can hear her: “What’s wrong with her? Why isn’t she talking?” “She’s just in shock,” Ken starts to say. “She’ll come around soon—” “Well, what am I supposed to do with her if she won’t even speak?” my mother bites back.

God, woman

“YOU’RE NOT GOING IN THERE. The last thing we need is you setting her off. She’s sleeping for the first time in days,” I hear my mother’s voice say from down the hall. Who is she talking to? I’m not sleeping, am I? I lean up on my elbows, and the blood rushes to my head. I’m so tired, so tired. Noah is here, in my childhood bed with me. It all feels so familiar, the bed, the messy blond hair sticking up from Noah’s head. I feel different, though, out of place and disoriented. “I’m not here to hurt her, Carol. You should know that by now.” “You—” my mother attempts to fight back, but she’s interrupted. “You should also know that I still don’t give a fuck what you say.” My bedroom door opens, and the last person I thought I’d see pushes past my irate mother.

God dude go home

Noah’s arm is heavy across me, weighing me into the bed. His grip tightens on my waist in his sleep, and my throat burns at the sight of Hardin. His green eyes are furious at the sight in front of him. He crosses the room and forcefully yanks Noah’s arm from my body.

Excuse me

Why is he here? He can’t be here, I don’t want him here. He’s done enough damage, and he doesn’t get to just show up here and pick at the scraps.

Correct

“Tess, do you want him here?” Noah asks. It’s taking every ounce of my self-control to ignore that he’s here in the first place, and he’s really pushing it.

Oh shut up

To my horror, she moves away again, this time scuttling back with her hands—until she hits the edge and falls hard to the floor. I’m on my feet in seconds to bring her into my arms, but the sounds she makes when my skin touches hers are even worse than the horrified screams that sounded from her minutes ago. I’m not sure what to do at first, but after endless seconds of this a broken scream of “Get off of me!” leaves her cracked lips and slices clear through my body. Her small hands pound at my chest and claw at my arms, trying to break my embrace. It’s hard to try to comfort her this way with this cast on. I’m afraid it will hurt her, and that’s the last thing I want.

Sad she had to find her dad dead but happy for whatever this is

As much as it kills me to see her so desperate to get away from me, I’m so fucking happy to see her react at all. The mute Tessa was the worst, and instead of yelling at me, like she is now, her mum should be thanking me that I brought her girl out of that phase in her grief.

Excuse me

Tessa reaches for Noah to help her, because she can’t stand the sight of me.

Heh

Fuck—why did I come here in the first place?

We are all wondering

“Make him go,” Tessa sobs into Noah’s chest. The splintering pain of rejection seeps in, making me motionless for a few seconds. Noah turns to me, silently begging in the most civil way for me to leave the room. I hate that he’s become her comfort; one of my biggest insecurities has slapped me in the face, but I can’t think of it that way. I have to think of her. Only what’s best for her. I back away clumsily, reaching and scrambling for the door handle. Once I’m outside the small room, I lean against the door to catch my breath. How did our life together spiral down so much in such a short time?

Would you like a list?

When she just glares at me silently, I say, “I don’t care about the trivial shit right now. Go ahead and call the police, or do whatever you have to do, but I’m not leaving this shithole of a town until she talks to me.”

She doesn't want tooooooo

I hear her yelling, and something crashes in the distance, but I refuse to let Noah leave me alone in the room. If I’m left alone, he will come in. That’s what he does, he preys on people when they are at their weakest. Especially me, who has been weak since the day I met him.

Aw babe

Why is he here? Why does he think he can toss me aside, then swoop back in when it’s convenient?

Because he's the worst

“You’ll drink some water,” he softly demands.

He does not get to demand

“The way you acted when you saw me last night…” he begins. I can feel his eyes on me, but I refuse to look at him. “The way you screamed… Tessa, I’ve never felt pain like that—” “Stop it,” I snap. My voice doesn’t sound like my voice, and I begin to wonder if I’m even awake right now, or if this is another nightmare. “I just want to know that you’re not afraid of me. You aren’t, are you?” “This isn’t about you,” I manage. And it’s true, absolutely true. He’s tried to make this about him—his pain—but this is about my father’s death and that I can’t take any more heartache.

Go you. Kill him.

“I’m sorry about Richard, I know how—” “No.” I pull my hand away. “No, you don’t get to do this. You don’t get to come here and pretend like you’re here to help me when you’re the one who has hurt me the most. I won’t tell you again.” I know my voice is flat—I hear it sounding as unconvincing and as empty as I feel inside. “Get out.”

Kill hiiiiiim

Blood is smeared across his chin, and his blue eyes are wild, filled with worry. Tessa is walking around alone in the middle of a massive storm because I let my fucking ego take over.

Good job

He may know the town, but I know my Tessa, and I know exactly where she is.

Dude leave her alone!

I’m an asshole, the biggest one, the worst possible fucking kind of dickhead there is.

Admitting it does not make you redeemable

She would have trusted me wholly and completely, and I wouldn’t have taken that trust, crumbled it into ash, and watched it blow away. I would have savored her trust and maybe even been worthy of it. But I’m not Noah. I’m Hardin. And being Hardin doesn’t mean shit.

Keep spiralling. Maybe you'll do us all a favour and walk into traffic

I deserve to sit here alone and weep like a pitiful rogue amid silence and desolation, my oldest and truest friends.

You are insufferable

I blink and look up to find Noah standing in the hallway with damp clothes and no shoes on his feet. “I’m sorry, I didn’t.” He nods sympathetically. “It’s okay. Are you all right? Do you need a shower?” I nod and he steps into the bathroom, starting the water. The noise from the shower draws me closer, but Hardin’s hard voice stops me. “He’s not helping you take a shower.” I don’t respond. I don’t have the energy to. Of course he’s not going to—why would he? Hardin walks past me, trailing mud behind him. “I’m sorry, but this isn’t going to happen.”

Oh my GOD JUST DIE ALREADY

I push them out and shut the door. As the lock clicks into place, I pray that Hardin won’t add this thin bathroom door to his list of destruction.

You should not have to worry about this

I can’t help that she was undressed. All of this stuff going on, and you’re concerned about me seeing her body?” The judgment in Noah’s tone makes me want to strangle him with my good hand.

He's right tho

“I’m not getting into your business, but I do hope you’ll tell me about Richard and how he ended up in your apartment. I don’t get it.” “He was staying at my place after Tessa left for Seattle. He didn’t have anywhere else to go, so I let him stay with me. When we left for London, he was supposed to go to rehab, so imagine the surprise when he ends up dead as a fucking doornail on the bathroom floor.” Despite the heaviness of the conversation, I keep thinking about the fact that Noah has never seen her naked before—no other man has—and selfishly I’d like to keep it that way. I know I shouldn’t be worried about shit like that, but I can’t help it.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU

“You have to try to see this entire thing from my perspective, Hardin. I was in the same type of toxic relationship, and I know how these things end. I don’t want that for Tessa, and if you loved her the way you claim, you wouldn’t want that for her either.” She looks at me, seeming to expect a reaction from me, but then continues. “I want the best for her. You may not believe me, but I always raised Tessa not to depend on a man, the way I did, and look at her now. She’s nineteen years old, and she’s reduced to nothing each and every time you decide to leave her—” “I—” She holds up her hand. “Let me finish.” She sighs. “I envied her, actually. It’s pathetic, but a part of me was envious that you always came back for her the way Richard never came back for me. But the more you left, the more I realized that you two will have the same ending that we did, because even though you come back, you never stay. If you want her to end up like me—alone and hateful—then you keep doing what you’re doing, and I can assure you that’s exactly what will happen to her.”

Good job mom

“You can’t give her what she needs; you’re only holding her back from finding someone who will,” she says, but mostly what I hear is Tessa’s old bedroom door closing, meaning that she’s out of the shower. “You’ll see, Carol, you’ll see…” I say and pull an empty glass from the cabinet. Filling it with water for Tessa, I tell myself I can change our course and prove everyone wrong, myself included. I know that I can.

Buddy you've had like 2000 pages

“I want you to know how sorry I am for everything, Tessa. I should have come back here with you. I shouldn’t have ended things with you because of my own problems. I should have let you be there for me like I want to be for you. Now I know how you must feel, constantly trying to help me when I pushed and pushed you away.”

Hardin the martyr

“No, Tessa, let me say this. I promise you, this time it will be different.

What about the forty other times

I’m sorry that it took your dad dying to make me realize how much I need you,

What a wild thing to say

“We can’t, we never could.” My voice is flat again. I guess robotic Tessa is here to stay. I don’t have enough energy to push any emotion into my words. “We can get married…” he rambles, then seems surprised by his own words, but he doesn’t take them back. His long fingers wrap around both of my wrists. “Tessa, we can get married. I’ll marry you tomorrow, if you’ll agree. I’ll wear a tux and everything.”

I hate you so much

“We can’t.” I shake my head. He grows more desperate. “I have money, more than enough money to pay for a wedding, Tessa, and we could have it wherever you choose. You can get the most expensive dress and flowers, and I won’t complain about any of it!” His voice is loud now, echoing through the room.

How do you think any of that is relevant

“What is it, then? I know you want this, Tessa; you’ve told me so many times.” I can see the battle behind his eyes, and I wish I could do something to ease his pain, but I can’t. “I don’t have anything left, Hardin. I don’t have anything left to give you. You’ve already taken it all, and I’m sorry, but there’s just nothing left.” The hollowness inside me grows, taking my entire being with it, and I’ve never been so thankful to feel nothing. If I could feel this, any of this, it would kill me.

Well done man

“I don’t want to take anything from you. I want to give you exactly what you want!” He gasps for air, and the sound is so troubled that I almost agree with everything he’s saying just so I won’t ever have to hear that sound again. “Marry me, Tess. Please just marry me, and I swear I’ll never do anything like this again. We could be together forever—we would be husband and wife. I know you’re too good for me, and I know you deserve better, but now I know that you and I, we aren’t like anyone else. We aren’t like your parents or mine; we are different and we can fucking make it, okay? Just listen to me one more time—”

Go away you're so annoying

“We can, we can survive it!” he chokes out. I can’t look at him, because I know what I would see. “That’s just it, Hardin, I don’t want to have to survive. I want to live.” My words strike something in him, and he stops pacing, stops tugging at his hair. “I can’t just let you go. You know that. I always come back to you—you had to know that I would. I would have come back from London eventually and we—”

You just keep saying more and more insane shit

“I can’t be without you,” he declares—another sentiment he’s proclaimed a million times, yet he does everything in his power to keep me away, to shut me out. “You can. You’ll be happier and less conflicted. It would be easier, you said so yourself.” I mean it. He will be happier without me, without our constant back-and-forth. He can focus on himself and his anger toward both of his fathers, and one day he could be happy. I love him enough to want his happiness, even if it’s not with me. He brings his hands in fists to his forehead and clenches his teeth. “No!”

He is such a fucking toddler

“We’ve fought so hard but I think it’s time to stop.” “No! No!” His eyes search the room, and I know what he’s going to do before he does it. That’s why I’m not surprised when the small lamp goes flying across the room and shatters against the wall. I don’t move.

How fucking DARE YOU????

I don’t want to fight with him, and I don’t want to hurt him, but the weight of this is on his back. I would have given him everything. Hell, I did give him everything, and he didn’t want it. When times got hard, he didn’t love me enough to fight his demons for me. He gave up, each and every time.

TRULY

“How will I survive without you?”

Personally I'm fine if you don't

“We will be okay. When you snap out of this, we will be okay,” I think he says, but I’m not sure, and I can’t ask him to repeat it, because I can’t handle hearing it again.

I hate him

He’s given me the space I’ve asked for, but I suspected that he would come by today, the day of my father’s funeral.

You come to me, on the day of my daughter's wedding?

Why would Hardin call him instead of Landon? Actually, Landon is on his way here anyway, so why would Hardin request Zed to come to me? I can’t help but feel that this is some sort of setup, as if Hardin is testing me in some way.

Yeah it does seem that way

When I think about it, I shouldn’t be surprised that Zed came all the way here to support me. The more I think of it, the more I remember. He was always there, even when I didn’t need him to be. He was in the background, always in Hardin’s shadow.

Yeah but like he also worries me