After Ever Happy (After, #4)

by Anna Todd

To everyone out there who has ever fought for someone or something they believe in.

I need to get away from him and get to my girl, my salvation.

“I don’t really want to go anywhere tonight,” I told her. “I have so much work to do. You’ve been distracting me.” Grabbing a handful of her tits, I squeezed gently. Her hand jerked, flinging some of the shaving cream onto my neck. “Good thing the razor wasn’t in your hand,” I joked. “Good thing,” she mocked, and picked up the brand-new razor.

“Are you sure you want me to do it? I’m nervous that I’ll cut you by accident.” “Stop worrying.” I smirked. “I’m sure you researched this part online, anyway,” Her tongue peeked out in a childish way, and I leaned forward to kiss her before she began. She didn’t say anything, because I was right. “But know that if you cut me, you should definitely run.” I laughed.

“I may have to keep you around now that you can properly shave my face. You cook, you clean…” She swatted at me and rolled her eyes. “And what do I get out of this deal? You are messy; you only help me cook once a week, if that. You are grumpy in the morning—” I cut her off by placing my hand between her legs and pushing her panties to the side. “I guess you are good at something.” She’d grinned as I slid one finger inside her. “Only one thing?” I added another, and she groaned, her head rolling back.

I guess that’s the thing about betrayal, though: it holds no prejudice and preys on those who neither see it coming nor deserve it.

“You are so perfect… you know that, right?” He takes a step toward me and lifts his hand to cup my cheek.

“Don’t you know that? That you are perfect.” His hand is hot against my cheek, and his thumb begins to move across the skin.

“No. I’m not perfect, Hardin. No one is,” I quietly reply, my eyes staring into his. “You are....

“I’m not going to let you push me away. I know what you’re doing: you’re drunk, and you are trying to justify this by comparing us. I’m just as f...

“It doesn’t sound right, coming from that be...

“I love you, and I’m not going anywhere,”

“I’m not perfect. No one is,” her sweet voice reminds me. She’s wrong though, she’s so very wrong, and naïve, and perfect.

Yeah, I know she’s hot. Now look away before I rip your eyes from your head,

“It’s ironic, really: the man who hates the world is most loved by it,” she whispers, her eyes glossy and full of tears. Tears for me, so many tears for me.

“Baby.” I pull her over to my seat, and she straddles my waist. Her arms lock around my neck. “You selfless girl.”

“Let everyone in, Hardin. Life is much easier when you do.” She rubs my head like that of some pet… but I fucking love it.

My throat burns, and I feel like the only breath I can catch is when I’m breathing in her scent.

We need the physical connection that brings us to an emotional depth that neither of us can explain or deny.

“I want you,” I breathe into her mouth. “I always fucking want you, you know that.”

“What are you thinking?” I finally ask. Her head is resting on my chest, her breathing slow and steady. She doesn’t open her eyes when she responds, “That I wish you could stay with me forever.” Forever. Have I ever wanted anything less with her? “Me, too,” I say, wishing I could give her the promise of the future that she deserves.

“You’ll learn that women are always mad.”

“And…” I say, swallowing the feelings that come with his words. Why is he rambling about this now? “He will take you places, too, and tell you nice things.”

“You don’t want me to be your brother, do you?”

I start to think about what my life would have been without him.” I pull my eyes up to Kimberly’s. “But when I start to picture it, I nearly collapse from the pain.”

The worst of times with him have been nothing, compared to the best. I don’t know if I’m delusional or insane. Maybe both. But I love him more than myself, more than I ever thought possible, and I just want him to be happy. Not for me, but for him.

“I want him to look in the mirror and smile, not scowl. I need him to not think of himself as a monster. I need him to see the real him, because if he doesn’t pull himself out of the villain role, it will destroy him, and I’ll just be left with ashes.

I wish you could stay with me forever.” Tessa had said that against my chest. It’s what I wanted to hear. It’s what I need to hear, forever.

Does she love me as much as she says, or is she addicted to me? There is a heady difference, and the more shit she puts up with from me, the more it seems like an addiction, the thrill of waiting for me to fuck up again so she can be there to fix me.

I love you for you, end of story.”

“I love you, always. Don’t doubt me, I will always love you,” she assured me, her mouth against mine.

I know Kimberly must think I’m a fool for chasing after him after his cold dismissal, but I love him, and this is what you do when you love someone: you fight for him—you chase after him when you know he needs you.

The car smells like Hardin, and the empty coffee cups from this morning are still in their holders, reminding me of the way he made love to me only hours ago. That was his goodbye to me—I realize now that part of me knew it then but just wasn’t ready to accept it.

If anyone were to ask me how I feel right now, I’m not sure what I would say. I don’t think I’d have an answer. There’s pain and heartache and panic and rejection, but at the same time I feel numb. I feel nothing and everything at once, and it’s the worst sensation I have ever felt.

My only mistake was trying to be there for him and putting up with his displaced anger for far too long.

When you love people, you don’t let them destroy you along with themselves, you don’t allow them to drag you through the mud. You try to help them, try to save them, but the moment that your love is one-sided or selfish, if you keep trying, you are a fool.

And here I sit on the plane, next to an empty seat, with an empty mind, and an empty heart.

people can only change themselves, no matter how hard you try. They have to want it as bad as you do or there is no hope.

It’s a losing battle, and finally after all this time, I am ready to surrender.

Tapping on the small camera box, I jump back when an unflattering angle of me cringes back at me.

Karma has finally caught up to me.

You pierce my soul. I am half agony, half hope. Tell me not that I am too late, that such precious feelings are gone for ever. I offer myself to you again with a heart even more your own than when you almost broke it, eight years and a half ago. Dare not say that man forgets sooner than woman, that his love has an earlier death. I have loved none but you.

It’s my father, with a needle sticking out of his arm and no color in his face. Which means half of my nightmares have been fulfilled instead.

I don’t know which is more laughable, the idea of wearing a cast or that he seems to think I need help managing my pain. There’s nothing that any pharmacist can dole out that’ll help with my pain. Unless they’ve got a selfless blonde with blue-gray eyes on their shelves, they’ve got nothing for me.

Landon’s crying so much, and I should comfort him; I know I should, and I would if I could.

Maybe I’m in shock after all. Shock isn’t a bad place, though. I’d like to stay here as long as I can. It hurts less.

“We’re going home now,” Noah repeats as he places me into a car. Noah’s a dear, sweet person, but doesn’t he know that I have no home?

“Fuck! Are you okay?” His inked arm reaches for me, and I do the first thing that comes to my twisted mind: I scream.

Tessa reaches for Noah to help her, because she can’t stand the sight of me.

Carol’s voice is hard. “How did you get here? You were in London.” “It’s called a fucking plane, that’s how.”