After Ever Happy (After, #4)

by Anna Todd

That’s what he does, he preys on people when they are at their weakest. Especially me, who has been weak since the day I met him.

He’s worried about me? If he was so worried about me, maybe he shouldn’t have sent me back to America alone. I wish I hadn’t made it home; I wish something had happened to me on the trip back—so he could deal with the loss of me.

He may know the town, but I know my Tessa, and I know exactly where she is.

If she wants quiet, I will give her that. Fuck, at this point I will give her anything and everything she wants as long as she doesn’t force me to leave.

We sit here as the rain pounds against the glass roof. We sit here as her whimpers turn to quiet sobs and she stares into the empty space in front of her, and we sit in silence with my hands over her small fingers covering her ears, blocking her from the noise around us, giving her the silence she needs.

Despite the heaviness of the conversation, I keep thinking about the fact that Noah has never seen her naked before—no other man has—and selfishly I’d like to keep it that way.

I know she does—she loves me, and because she loves me, we won’t end up like her parents.

“You’ll see, Carol, you’ll see…” I say and pull an empty glass from the cabinet. Filling it with water for Tessa, I tell myself I can change our course and prove everyone wrong, myself included. I know that I can.

“I want you to know how sorry I am for everything, Tessa. I should have come back here with you. I shouldn’t have ended things with you because of my own problems. I should have let you be there for me like I want to be for you. Now I know how you must feel, constantly trying to help me when I pushed and pushed you away.”

I promise you, this time it will be different. I’ll never do that again. I’m sorry that it took your dad dying to make me realize how much I need you, but I won’t run off again, won’t neglect you again, won’t disappear into myself again—I swear it.”

I know it will take some time, but I’m prepared to wait for you to come out of this, this state of grief you’re in. I’m willing to do everything; I mean everything.”

“We can get married…”

“Tessa, we can get married. I’ll marry you tomorrow, if you’ll agree. I’ll wear a tux and everything.”

“I have money, more than enough money to pay for a wedding, Tessa, and we could have it wherever you choose. You can get the most expensive dress and flowers, and I won’t complain about any of it!”

“I don’t have anything left, Hardin. I don’t have anything left to give you. You’ve already taken it all, and I’m sorry, but there’s just nothing left.”

“Marry me, Tess. Please just marry me, and I swear I’ll never do anything like this again. We could be together forever—we would be husband and wife. I know you’re too good for me, and I know you deserve better, but now I know that you and I, we aren’t like anyone else. We aren’t like your parents or mine; we are different and we can fucking make it, okay? Just listen to me one more time—”

“Look at who I’ve become. I don’t want this life anymore.”

“No, no, no.” He stands up and paces across the floor. “You do! Let me make it up to you,” he begs, tugg...

“Hardin, please calm down. I’m sorry for everything I’ve done to you, and most of all I’m sorry that I complicated your life, and I’m sorry for all the fighting and back-and-forth, but you have to know this wouldn’t work. I thought”—I smile a pitiful smile—“I thought that we could make it. I thought ours was a love of the novels, a love that no matter how hard and fast ...

“We can, we can survive it!” he...

“That’s just it, Hardin, I don’t want to have to survive...

“I can’t just let you go. You know that. I always come back to you—you had to know that I would. I would have come back from London eventually and we—”

“I can’t spend my life waiting for you to come back to me, and it would be selfish of me to want you to spend yours running from me, from us.”

“I can’t be without you,” he declares—another

I love him enough to want his happiness, even if it’s not with me.

I love him, I’ll always love this man, but I’ve run out. I can’t continue to be the fuel to his fire when he’s constantly coming back with bucket upon bucket of water to extinguish it.

“I can’t be without you; I need you in my life. I need you in my life. I need. You. In my life,” he chants.

I could never be in the same room as you and not be with you. You are everything to me, and you’re going insult me by suggesting we be friends? You don’t mean that. You love me, Tessa.” He looks into my eyes. “You have to. Don’t you love me?”

“Yes,” I breathe.

“I love you, Hardin, but we can’t keep doing this to each other.”

“How will I survive without you?”

“I can’t. I won’t. You can’t just throw this away because you’re going through some shit. Let me be here for you, don’t push me away.”

“I’m sorry that I couldn’t fix you,” I tell him while softly stroking his damp hair. “Me, too,” he cries against my legs.

You did pay for it.

if that asshole is the key to that light, then so fucking be it.

I’ve done a lot of fucked-up shit in my life, a lot. I know this, Tessa knows this, hell, everyone in this church probably fucking knows it thanks to her mother, but I will make this right with my girl. I don’t give a fuck about making amends with any of the other shit from my past or present; I only care about fixing what was broken within her.

I broke her… she says she couldn’t fix me… that she will never be able to. But my damage wasn’t caused by her. I was healed by her, and while she was healing me, I was splin...

misery loves company, and I’m as miserable as it gets.

“Just go up there, she needs you,” Landon suggests, his voice soft. I ignore him and wait for her to give me some sort of signal, any tiny, little fragment of emotion to show me that she does need me. I will be next to her in seconds.

The words signified her trust in me; the movements of her body engraved her loyalty to me; and the promise of her love for me filled me, body and soul.

I was completely consumed by her, completely fucking lost in her, every single time I made love to her, even when I was being dishonest with her. This time was no exception.

You already have all of me, I should have said.

There were so many things I should have said, could have said, and sure as hell would have said if I had known my days in heaven were numbered.

I saw the empty, sad girl smile for the sad boy who loves her with all of his broken soul.

She still holds enough love for me to waste another smile on me, and that means the fucking world. She’s my fucking world.

I guess I’m used to a certain someone barging in before I grant him permission. Not that I ever really minded…

“I can’t give you what you want—you know I can’t. It’s impossible for me. Right or wrong, Hardin has left his mark on me, and I wouldn’t be able to give myself to you, to anyone, I fear.”

“Please, this week has been so terrible, and I can’t watch it. Please, Hardin. Just get in the cab with me. Take me away from here, please.”

“I know it doesn’t seem like it, but you really have helped me so much, you’ve given me a purpose, Tess.”

If I had known it would hurt this bad, if I had known the way it would rip me apart, then sew me back together, only to tear me into pieces again, I would have stayed as far away from Hardin Scott as I possibly could.