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Kindle Notes & Highlights
by
John Gray
To a certain extent a man loses himself through connecting with his partner.
a man may lose interest because he feels as though his “listening” is “doing nothing.” He doesn’t realize how valuable his listening is to her.
It feels so good to miss her when she is gone.
“I need some time to think about this and then we can talk again.”
The man grows to understand his own cycles and reassures her when he pulls away that he will be back.
The last thing a woman needs when she is on her way down is someone telling her why she shouldn’t be down. What she needs is someone to be with her as she goes down, to listen to her while she shares her feelings, and to empathize with what she is going through. Even if a man can’t fully understand why a woman feels overwhelmed, he can offer his love, attention, and support.
His support may actually help her to hit bottom sooner, and then she can and will feel better. To genuinely come up she first needs to hit bottom. That is the cycle.
Even when a man is succeeding in supporting a woman she may become even more upset.
Warning Signs for Men That She May Be Going into Her Well or When She Needs His Love the Most
A woman has within herself the ability to spontaneously rise up after she has hit bottom. A man does not have to fix her. She is not broken but just needs his love, patience, and understanding.
It is essential that she feel safe to go through this cycle. Otherwise she works hard at pretending that everything is always all right and suppresses her negative feelings. When a woman doesn’t feel safe to go into her well, her only alternative is to avoid intimacy and sex or to suppress and numb her feelings through addictions like drinking, overeating, overworking, or overcaretaking. Even with her addictions, however, she periodically will fall into her well and her feelings may come up in a most uncontrolled fashion.
When negative feelings are suppressed positive feelings become suppressed as well, and love dies.
a man’s need to pull away like a rubber band may increase when he is under a greater amount of stress at work.
One study revealed that a woman’s self-esteem generally rises and falls in a cycle between twenty-one and thirty-five days. No studies have been done on how often a man pulls back like a rubber band, but my experience is that it is about the same. A woman’s self-esteem cycle is not necessarily in sync with her menstrual cycle, but it does average out at twenty-eight days.
when she returns home she needs her partner to give the tender loving support that every woman needs and appreciates at these times.
Telling a woman she shouldn’t feel hurt is about the worst thing a man can say. It hurts her even more, like poking a stick into an open wound.
Men argue for the right to be free while women argue for the right to be upset. Men want space while women want understanding.
By supporting her need to be heard she could support his need to be free.
Don’t try to listen when you can’t.
Reassure her that you will be back, and then you will be able to give her the support she deserves.
learned to accept that sometimes a man can’t listen or talk and learned that at other times he could. Timing was very important.
It puts too much pressure on a man to make him the only source of love and support.
Money Doesn’t Fulfill Emotional Needs
Martians tend to think money is the solution to all problems.
Men primarily need trust, acceptance, appreciation, admiration, approval, and encouragement. Women primarily need caring, understanding, respect, devotion, validation, and reassurance.
To fulfill her sixth primary love need he must remember to reassure her again and again.
when a woman doesn’t know what he primarily needs and gives a caring love rather than a trusting love, she may unknowingly sabotage their relationship. This next story exemplifies this point.
He eventually married, but only after making sure his new partner knew nothing about nooses and poisons.
Love often fails because people instinctively give what they want.
Being trusted is his primary need, not being cared for.
To fulfill your partner, you need to learn how to give the love he or she primarily needs.
THE ART OF EMPOWERING A MAN
The secret of empowering a man is never to try to change him or improve him.
Practice accepting imperfection. Make his feelings more important than perfection
our partner objects not to what we are saying but to how we are saying it. It takes two to argue, but it only takes one to stop an argument.
It takes two to argue, but it only takes one to stop an argument.
Men rarely say “I’m sorry” because on Mars it means you have done something wrong and you are apologizing. Women, however, say “I’m sorry” as a way to say “I care about what you are feeling.” It doesn’t mean they are apologizing for doing something wrong.
When he simply starts to care about her feelings she will start to feel supported.
“What do you need from me now to feel my support?” or “How can I support you now?”
give her the right to be upset
(Men need lots of encouragement to listen.)
Explanations are helpful only after the hurt is healed with some validation and caring understanding.
When a woman keeps score, no matter how big or small a gift of love is, it scores one point; each gift has equal value.
A woman feels loved when her love tank is full.
101 WAYS TO SCORE POINTS WITH A WOMAN
Plan a date several days in advance, rather than waiting for Friday night and asking her what she wants to do.
Suggest different restaurants for going out; don’t put the burden of figuring out where to go on her.
Make her more important than the children.
Eat lightly on romantic occasions so that you don’t become stuffed and tired later.
Leave the bathroom seat down.
