More on this book
Community
Kindle Notes & Highlights
by
John Gray
perfection is not a requirement for creating great relationships.
Gender insight helps us to be more tolerant and forgiving when someone doesn’t respond the way we think he or she should.
You cannot, nor should you ever try to, change your partner. That is his or her job. Your job is to change the ways you communicate, react, and respond to your partner.
With love and good communication most problems, even the “big problems,” can be solved and resolved.
We too easily blame our problems on our partners rather than our own approach.
when a woman is talking about the problems of her day, rather than assuming she is looking for solutions and giving solutions, a man can instead recognize that she is just needing to talk about her day and as a result she will feel better. With this insight, he is free to relax and listen without trying to interrupt with solutions.
REMEMBERING OUR DIFFERENCES
Love is magical, and it can last, if we remember our differences.
She wants empathy, but he thinks she wants solutions.
A man’s sense of self is defined through his ability to achieve results.
Achieving goals is very important to a Martian because it is a way for him to prove his competence and thus feel good about himself. And for him to feel good about himself he must achieve these goals by himself. Someone else can’t achieve them for him. Martians pride themselves in doing things all by themselves. Autonomy is a symbol of efficiency, power, and competence.
on Venus talking about problems is not an invitation to offer a solution.
Men need to remember that women talk about problems to get close and not necessarily to get solutions.
“You are such a loving person. Come here, let me give you a hug.”
Men need to remember that when women seem upset and talk about problems is not the time to offer solutions; instead she needs to be heard, and gradually she will feel better on her own. She does not need to be fixed.
Practice biting your tongue whenever you get the urge to offer a solution or change how she is feeling. You will be surprised when you experience how much she appreciates you.
To feel better Martians go to their caves to solve problems alone.
To feel better Venusians get together and openly talk about their problems.
It is a mistake to expect a man to always be in touch with his loving feelings just as it is a mistake to expect a woman’s feelings to always be rational and logical.
A woman under stress is not immediately concerned with finding solutions to her problems but rather seeks relief by expressing herself and being understood.
Martians talk about problems for only two reasons: they are blaming someone or they are seeking advice. If a woman is really upset a man assumes she is blaming him. If she seems less upset, then he assumes she is asking for advice.
Just as a man is fulfilled through working out the intricate details of solving a problem, a woman is fulfilled through talking about the details of her problems.
More important, if a woman can remind a man that she just wants to talk about her problems and that he doesn’t have to solve any of them, it can help him to relax and listen.
Men are motivated and empowered when they feel needed…. Women are motivated and empowered when they feel cherished.
He does not realize that by finding someone who needs him, he can shake off his depression and be motivated again.
Not to be needed is a slow death for a man.
Most men have little awareness of how important it is to a woman to feel supported by someone who cares. Women are happy when they believe their needs will be met. When a woman is upset, overwhelmed, confused, exhausted, or hopeless what she needs most is simple companionship. She needs to feel she is not alone. She needs to feel loved and cherished.
At this point the Martians were learning to give while the Venusians were now ready to learn how to receive.
When the student is ready the teacher appears.
A man’s deepest fear is that he is not good enough or that he is incompetent.
The Martian and Venusian languages had the same words, but the way they were used gave different meanings.
To fully express their feelings, women assume poetic license to use various superlatives, metaphors, and generalizations.
The Venusian/Martian Phrase Dictionary
One of the big challenges for men is correctly to interpret and support a woman when she is talking about her feelings. The biggest challenge for women is correctly to interpret and support a man when he isn’t talking. Silence is most easily misinterpreted by women.
Women need to understand that when he is silent, he is saying “I don’t know what to say yet, but I am thinking about it.”
Never go into a man’s cave or you will be burned by the dragon!
The Martian/Venusian Phrase Dictionary
To be trusted that he can handle his problems is very important to his honor, pride, and self-esteem.
He wants her to be happy so that he has one less problem to worry about.
Knowing that she is happy with him also gives him more strength to deal with his problem while in the cave.
These are some examples:
In coping with problems, a man knows he has to first go a certain distance by himself, and then if he needs help he can ask for it without losing his strength, power, and dignity. To offer help to a man at the wrong time could easily be taken as an insult.
Men need to find ways to show they care while women need to find ways to show they trust.
“I need some time to think about this, I will be back” or “I need some time to be alone. I will be back.” It is amazing how the simple words “I will be back” make such a profound difference.
A woman should not be judged for needing this reassurance, just as a man should not be judged for needing to withdraw.
Women don’t think of giving appreciation because they assume a man knows how much she appreciates being heard. He doesn’t know. When she is talking about problems, he needs to be reassured that he is still loved and appreciated.
When a man loves a woman, periodically he needs to pull away before he can get closer.
If a man does not have the opportunity to pull away, he never gets a chance to feel his strong desire to be close.
A man automatically alternates between needing intimacy and autonomy.
he needs some time alone; time to be with himself when he is not responsible for anyone else. It is a time for him to take care of himself.
