Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus: The Classic Guide to Understanding the Opposite Sex

by John Gray

To make a man feel wrong for going into his cave has the effect of pushing him back into the cave even when he wants to come out.

Don’t disapprove of his need for withdrawing.

Don’t sit next to the door of the cave and wait for him to come out.

A man wants his favorite Venusian to trust that he can handle what is bothering him.

Sometimes she will casually say, “When you feel like talking, I would like to spend some time together. Would you let me know when?” In this way she can test the waters without being pushy or demanding.

To offer help to a man at the wrong time could easily be taken as an insult.

Men need to find ways to show they care while women need to find ways to show they trust.

Instead she laughed and said, “Oh my goodness, John, you have such adventures. What are you going to do?”

Little changes can be made without sacrificing who we are.

To counteract this message and to give her the correct message he can learn to say the four magic words: “I will be back.

He mistakenly assumes she is telling him about her feelings because she thinks he is somehow responsible or to be blamed.

A woman does not have to suppress her feelings or even change them to support her partner. She does, however, need to express them in a way that doesn’t make him feel attacked, accused, or blamed.

Certainly a man may pull away for the same reasons, but he will also pull away even if she has done nothing wrong.

If a man does not have the opportunity to pull away, he never gets a chance to feel his strong desire to be close.

This transition can be more graceful if a man understands a woman may need more time to regain the same level of intimacy—especially if she felt hurt when he pulled away.

He will appear loving and supportive and will act as though nothing has happened.

What women don’t know about Martians is that they need to have a reason to talk. They don’t talk just for the sake of sharing.

A woman sharing her thoughts naturally motivates a man to talk. But when he feels a demand is being made that he talk, his mind goes blank.

Now I know nothing is wrong with him or me. We just didn’t know how to support each other.

He may unconsciously create arguments to justify pulling away.

He grows to understand his own cycles and reassures her when he pulls away that he will be back.

Men commonly make the mistake of thinking that if their female partner is successful in the work world then she will not experience these times of emotional housecleaning.

Harris was encouraged by the realization that she was fighting to be heard, just as he was fighting to be free.

It puts too much pressure on a man to make him the only source of love and support.

Regardless of wealth, status, privilege, or circumstances, a woman needs permission to be upset and allow her wave to crash.

Men also need to process their negative feelings so that they can then experience their positive feelings.

When she is feeling good she is capable of seeing and responding to the good things in her life. But when she is crashing, her loving vision becomes cloudy, and she reacts more to what is missing in her life.

when a woman is upset she needs to be heard and understood.

What is meant by “primary need” is that fulfilling a primary need is required before one is able fully to receive and appreciate the other kinds of love.

The more a woman’s need to be heard and understood is fulfilled, the easier it is for her to give her man the acceptance he needs.

Deep inside, every man wants to be his woman’s hero or knight in shining armor. The signal that he has passed her tests is her approval.

Although a man may appreciate caring and assistance sometimes, too much of it will lessen his confidence or turn him off.

Many people give up when relationships become too difficult. Relationships become easier when we understand our partner’s primary needs.

The best way to help a man grow is to let go of trying to change him in any way.

There are basically four stances that individuals take to avoid getting hurt in arguments. They are the four f’s: fight, flight, fake, and fold. Each of these stances offers a short-term gain, but in the long run they are all counterproductive.

Instead they indirectly hurt them by slowly depriving them of the love they deserve.

Expecting an apology from her did seem rather unfair, especially when I upset her first.

A reason for this insensitivity is that women really are unaware of how significant approval is for men.

He says “I don’t like it either. I wish we could just slow down. It feels so crazy.” In this example he has related to her feelings. Even if a part of him likes to rush, he can best support her in her moment of frustration by expressing how some part of himself sincerely relates to her frustration.

When a woman keeps score, no matter how big or small a gift of love is, it scores one point; each gift has equal value. Its size doesn’t matter; it gets a point. A man, however, thinks he scores one point for one small gift and thirty points for a big gift. Since he doesn’t understand that women keep score differently, he naturally focuses his energies into one or two big gifts.

He thought his hefty paycheck at the end of the month scored him at least thirty points. When he opened his own clinic and doubled his income, he assumed he was now scoring sixty points a month. He had no idea that his paycheck earned him only one point each month with Pam—no matter how big it was.

Make her more important than the children. Let the children see her getting your attention first and foremost.

Drive slowly and safely, respecting her preferences. After all, she is sitting powerless in the front seat.

Show interest in what she does during the day, in the books she reads and the people she relates to.

I found that when I was succeeding at home, my work reflected that success. I realized that success in the work world was not achieved through hard work alone. It was also dependent on my ability to inspire trust in others. When I felt loved by my family, not only did I feel more confident, but others also trusted and appreciated me more.

Woman possess the special ability to appreciate the little things of life as much as the big things. This is a blessing for men.

At moments when you feel unloved, offended, or hurt, forgive her and remember all the good she has given rather than penalize her by negating it all.

The secret to fulfilling a man lies in learning to express love through your feelings, not necessarily through your actions.

Relationships are exhausting until we learn how to direct our energies into the ways that our partner can fully appreciate.

They have a hidden feeling that says “I don’t want to tell him what I need; if he really loves me he will know.”