Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus: The Classic Guide to Understanding the Opposite Sex

by John Gray

a man mistakenly assumes she is looking for some expert advice.

a man mistakenly assumes she is looking for some expert advice.

this is his way of showing love and of trying to help.

this is his way of showing love and of trying to help.

He has no idea that by just listening with empathy and interest he can be supportive.

He has no idea that by just listening with empathy and interest he can be supportive.

Personal expression, especially of their feelings, is very important.

Personal expression, especially of their feelings, is very important.

To share their personal feelings is much more important than achieving goals and success.

To share their personal feelings is much more important than achieving goals and success.

Women’s restaurant talk can be very open and intimate, almost like the dialogue that occurs between therapist and patient.

Women’s restaurant talk can be very open and intimate, almost like the dialogue that occurs between therapist and patient.

They have developed this ability through centuries of anticipating the needs of others.

They have developed this ability through centuries of anticipating the needs of others.

Men need to remember that women talk about problems to get close and not necessarily to get solutions.

With this new awareness of their differences, Tom learned the wisdom of listening without offering solutions while Mary learned the wisdom of letting go and accepting without offering unsolicited advice or criticism.

He can reflect and discover how he was probably offering solutions at a time when she was needing empathy and nurturing.

He feels better by solving problems while she feels better by talking about problems.

They expect men to open up and talk about all their problems the way Venusians do.

Martians talk about problems for only two reasons: they are blaming someone or they are seeking advice.

Something a woman can do to make it a little easier for a man is to let him know in advance the outcome of the story and then go back and give the details.

“We need you. Your power and strength can bring us great fulfillment, filling a void deep within our being. Together we could live in great happiness.”

Unfortunately, once they are in a relationship and as the problems begin to emerge, she doesn’t know how important that message still is to him and neglects to send it.

Not to be needed is a slow death for a man.

The Venusians had been depressed because they felt isolated and alone.

To come out of depression they needed to feel that loving help was on the way.

Most men have little awareness of how important it is to a woman to feel support...

He does not instinctively realize how very important closeness, intimacy, and sharing are to her.

The Venusians needed to learn how to receive while the Martians needed to learn how to give.

When a woman realizes she has been giving too much, she tends to blame her partner for their unhappiness.

Before Susan could be motivated to work on their relationship, she needed to be heard and feel that Jim validated her feelings: this was the first step.

Jim’s most difficult challenge was to be respectful of her changes and not expect her to be the same accommodating partner he originally married.

A woman is particularly vulnerable to the negative and incorrect belief that she doesn’t deserve to be loved.

Her hopelessness and mistrust transform her valid needs into desperate expressions of neediness and communicate to him the message that she doesn’t trust him to support her.

“Needing” is openly reaching out and asking for support from a man in a trusting manner, one that assumes that he will do his best. This empowers him.

Through giving to others they came to see that others truly were worthy of receiving, and thus they began to see that everyone deserved to be loved. Then, finally, they saw that they too deserved to receive.

She may feel something like this: “I have given to you and you have ignored me. You had your chance. I deserve better. I can’t trust you. I am too tired, I have nothing left to give. I will not let you hurt me again.”

This predictable coincidence is one of those magical things about life. When the student is ready the teacher appears. When the question is asked then the answer is heard. When we are truly ready to receive then what we need will become available. When the Venusians were ready to receive, the Martians were ready to give.

When his accomplishments went unnoticed or were unappreciated, deep in his unconscious he began forming the incorrect belief that he was not good enough.

To fully express their feelings, women assume poetic license and use various superlatives, metaphors, and generalizations. Men mistakenly take these expressions literally.

Would you give me a hug and reassure me that I am doing a good job and that I deserve a rest?”

“Would you empathize with me and say something like, ‘It is hard always rushing around. I don’t always like rushing either.’

Would you surprise me with flowers sometime soon and take me out on a date? I love being romanced.”

And to make matters even more confusing for women, if he does not have enough information to process an answer, a man may not respond at all.

She instinctively wants to support him in the way that she would want to be supported. Her intentions are good, but the outcome is counterproductive.

At times they begin to lose and forget themselves. They can feel that too much intimacy robs them of their power.

Getting Burned by the Dragon

But most important they warned the young woman never to follow him into his cave. If she did then she would get burned by the dragon who protected the cave.

At this point he loses control and begins saying things that he will regret later. His dragon comes out and burns her.

“It’s all right” translated into Venusian means “This is a problem but you are not to blame. I can resolve this within myself if you don’t interrupt my process by asking more questions or offering suggestions. Just act like it didn’t happen and I can process it within myself more effectively.”